19 days

I have made a promise to myself that I want to get rid of all these after 21 days. What I mean is to stop stalking and stop crying in front of friends. It is now 19th, today is supposed to be 28th monthsary, but no more, nothing is left.

I should be thankful for friends who stay besides me, who trust me, who know my pain. Here, I have to apologize if I was sensitive in the past 19 days, I am sorry if I have done something that hurt feelings. I just don't really think before I say something. Sorry, I am sincere.

19 days, I feel like this has been a year long, long enough to kill me. I don't even dare to fall asleep. When you and your mom appear in my dream, I woke up and found myself crying. 2 years and 4 months is not just a dream.

As what I have said in past, I don't have to hide my feelings. I am going to say this, yes, I miss you, everyday every moment every single minute. But I just can't find you, because you won't reply. I have no one to ask if you are doing well, because your friends wouldn't reply me as well.

I feel the pain when I know you are doing well, but at the same time I feel relief, since you are doing well, maybe it is not that painful for you. That's something I should be happy with, at least this decision is not a wrong decision. Someone have to be happy isn't it?

I told my mom I said I regret starting this relationship, my mom told me there's nothing to be regret of, because you choose it, you should be thankful you have this chance to feel the pain so you won't do the same mistake again. Maybe yes, maybe no. But if I have to admit I am not regret, then I will be suffer. Because, if I don't make myself hate you, I don't know how should I survive through this. I could only tell myself you are just an asshole who cheated me again and again. So I won't think that I have let you go. This sounds like an excuse, but this is true.

After all, thanks for the effort, thanks for the time you have spent, thanks for saving me from despair, thanks for telling me everyone is deserved to be love, thanks for the vanilla ice cream and the little Patrick, thanks for fighting for me, thanks for holding my hand when I am falling, thanks for loving me for who I am, thanks for accepting all the bad sides of me, thanks for everything.

But, Lister, can I not to see your post or anything? I am suffering, so much. I don't know if you really feel nothing so there's not even one post is dedicating to me, but I am suffering.

They said, independent girl doesn't trust easily, but once they rely on one person, then they will really stick to that person. Yes, this is me. 2 years and 4 months, I have be putting my whole self onto you. I lived my life depend on you. That's why I feel that I can't live on now.

Psychologist said if you want to use to a habit, you need at least 21 days. So I tell myself I should have feel better after 21 days. But, I am not feeling any better. As I keep on discovering new lies, as I keep on stalking you and find that you seems alright, as you and your friends seems to misunderstand me, as everything in my room keep remind me of you, I don't feel any better even if the time pass.

I wish you were here to embrace me tell me, sorry you lied on me. Tell me, it's okay we can be friends. Tell me, you wish me the best so I should move on. Tell me, it's alright to be alone because I am Tsen Mung Khie. Tell me, thank you for the time I spent on you. But you are not saying a thing, not a text, not a call, not a post. Nothing.

I am just tired.