I have to

Been attached to my blog these few days, it might really due to the fact that I have been listening some good songs recently. I personally appreciate nice songs, any genre of songs is okay, as long as it touches my heart.

Today when I met my counselor, I have to admit that I was tearing up when I talked about my family. I myself point out that I can do nothing on my past, so I should take control of my future. That's why I got so depressed when the future doesn't go with my plan. That's why I am pushing myself so hard and placing everyone in a position that I think they are supposed to be. When things get messy, I got angry. I am incompetent, I guess.

Then, my counselor ask me what shape me into this. I was a bit.. dumbfounded? To the fact that I didn't realize I wanted control everything so bad. Then I trace back my way, and realize oh, it is not that hard to guess, the cause itself have been haunting me since forever -- my family.

People who know me will know I don't really have a happy family, I don't know what define a happy family, but mine is definitely not. I told my story to her and she asked me do I blame because I have this kind of family? I said yes, when I was young, when I was so innocent I could still blame everything, I blamed it to myself.

I remember I always holding back my tears and hide at somewhere to cry. There is always a "safe" place in my home, my school... I like the feeling of being alone, crying to myself, get better and walk out like I just won a war. She then asked, how do I feel to my mom, all these time. I would say it is kind of complicated and contrasting. I don't like the fact that she was pushing me so hard in my studies, I don't like I was being put in a position where I need to be the best in order to get attention, I don't like how she compared me with my step-siblings. I don't like how she always complaint things I shouldn't know in that age. But... In another side, I understand why she did all these, how she endure all the pain, how much hope she put on me, so I tried to be a good, filial yet confident child. I speak out when she is wrong, I comfort her when she needs me, I hold a responsibility of taking care of her since small. I couldn't complaint to her that she born me in such a family, because she wouldn't like this herself.

To my dad, I hated him. My boyfriend did confuse when listening to my story, asking me if my dad is good or bad. How do I define whether he is a good or bad dad. He is not good enough in a sense that he is almost absent in my life until I entered university. He is not bad enough as he still take care of me financially and sometimes prepare me breakfasts and some subtle things. I can't blame on him either, I only get close to him in these few years. I can't ruin this.

Then, there is really no an exit for me to run away from this trauma. I called it a trauma, that have been prolonged for 22 years of my life, and it will only keep haunting until I died. Not to say the time when my parents are gone, I will still need to face those siblings that I didn't even meet up once in a year.

The fact is I am forced to grow up.

She then asked, do you think you are okay with this? The effect of growing up in this family... isn't that bad, to be honest. I am much mature than others who are in same age, I am much independent, much brave, much tough, much likely to take control of things, but I am very careful. I am being extra careful in making friends and choosing a mate, I am scared of many things. I will get teary when I listen to soft songs, I can see the scar on my heart, and hoping there will not be new wound.

Do I like myself?

I can't imagine a self that is not independent, so how am I suppose to think if I like current self when I can't compared myself with another self? I have to like myself.

I have to...

Just like how I have to accept being in this family...

年上、年下

可能被韩国的用字所影响，我的标题用了年上、年下。年上就是指比自己年龄大的人，年下也就不说而破了。老实说，自己本身是喜欢年上男的，成熟可靠，什么事情都精通的人。这样的人一定会引领自己去到很多不同的阶层。而至于，为什么我的现任会是年下，这些事情其实根本说不清楚。我可能知道自己喜欢年上男，却明白自己不适合他们。这叫什么，潜意识作祟？

我不喜欢骄傲的人，不喜欢自我的人，不喜欢霸道的人。成熟稳重的人，虽然不是一百巴仙都是这样的人，但是老实说，如果这样有主见的人不自我，我可能早遇到了。可惜没有，我目前为止，没有遇到一个这样的人，或者应该说，没遇到这样而且我又对他有感觉的人。

我的确喜欢有主见会表达会带领我的人，但是不是控制我命令我的人。和太聪明的人相处很累，你总是需要处处留意你是不是做错了事，你笨的时候他有耐心吗，你想得到的心机他是否会用在你身上。不是什么，这世上有种东西叫善意的谎言，但是是我不想要的谎言。聪明的人用来躲掉麻烦，而很显然的，女人的存在本来就是很麻烦的。

我本来就不能再去相信别人，单纯去喜欢一个人不想他的心机不想他的背景不想他的脾气，这样的事情我大概只有初恋才做得到。除非，找一个本来就单纯的人，找一个本来就没有心机的人，你一辈子放心。

真正要得到一个成熟的男人最好的方法就是陪他成长。他若是抛弃了你，他也会一声惦记着你。是谁说过的，一个完美的情人不是好情人，他只是在之前的情人身上学会了如何和你相处。可是如果你不是他最后一任，那么他日后想起的也会是让他成长的女人而不是你。

其实我觉得这世上还是有人，天生又成熟又稳重又不自我还体贴温柔的。找到这样极品男人的女人不懂是修了多好的福分。但是对我来说来日方长，说不定我就是那个幸运的女人呢？毕竟我的男人才刚成年，说成熟稳重对他实在太长远。

但是，他忠心、他不会逃避问题、不会和别的女生暧昧、不会是密码不让我知道。但是，他对我家人好、爸爸妈妈随时叫他来他都不会拒绝、过节也会送礼物。但是，他孝顺、他明白家里的情况会学着控制自己的脾气、他对家人好会买礼品回去。但是，他很够义气、哪个朋友有难他第一个说要帮忙、连我的朋友也不放过直到我开始吃醋。但是，他很疼我、他煮的一手好菜、会老远驾车过来陪我、舍不得我受苦。

他或许没有耐心，举不出什么舆论，给不到好的意见，还健忘。可是他有很多优点是我不能忘记的。可能这些有点里面最大的就是，他让我回归平凡。我是他的初恋，没有前任的压力、没有担心、没有焦虑。别人说，男人最忘不了的是第一任，女人则是最后一任。我不介意慢慢陪他摸索未来，因为我知道我现在很喜欢这样平淡的幸福。

爱情，总是得不到的美

最近忙的焦头烂额，很多很多的事情要处理。并不像是从前，不是一件事情做完了，就能够好好休息一阵子，这下子真的长大了。

最近一直很流行的歌，田馥甄的小幸运。老实说，本来我就是很喜欢这位歌星，听见她的歌特别有感觉。而这首歌不偏不奇戳中我的软骨，就是那种，一听就起鸡皮疙瘩的那种。

其实它是一部电影的主题曲，名字我就不说了，内容大多都是初恋、暗恋、校恋。那些我已经回不去的时代。我的确没有那些耐性暗恋一个人好几年、也没有办法再为了别人的一句话而花痴或者可以说，心花怒放？当年的我，单纯美好不为别人的一点回报而付出的我，我真心喜欢这样的我。

其实，有人说过刻骨铭心的爱情不长久。可是，偏偏是这些回忆决定了我们的以后。

我记得，很多错过的爱情，那些故事、我的故事、朋友的故事，我们所惋惜的故事，都是那么美。当时不管多么难、多么不甘，我们都爱着。可是转过头，这些死在腹中的爱情，还没萌芽就被扼杀的胚胎，真的很美。

人就是犯贱吧，得不到的就是最美的。因为回忆起来的时候，你总是不会想起不开心的片段，你很难去细细地想他的不好、他的残忍，可是你知道，事实没有回忆来的美。但是还是忍不住会想，好像毒药一般。

我没有意指我的哪一段恋情。真的。我只是很自私，我希望我的现任，陪我度过更多。从我懵懂、任性到现在现实、成熟的我，我多希望我能表现这样的我，让他知道，我曾经那么傻过，我也能够爱一个人，没有底线。我多希望我能在受伤之前遇到他。

毫无疑问，那些过去、我的过去很精彩，起伏高低、此起彼落，那些风浪陪我成长的朋友看得很清楚。也……成就了现在的我？

那些轰轰烈烈的爱情，累人、也太耗。人要长久生存下去还是适合平淡安逸。

谢谢你，让我遇见了你。所以在这个人吃人的圈子里，我能认定我的存在。