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Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Discrepancies

I must be too mature.

I must be asking too much.

I must be impatient.

The problem of dating younger or same-age guy, the girl is always more mature than the guy. And in the ends, the girl can't wait to settle down, but the guy never understand and still busy exploring the world. This is why even though we all know guy have shorter lifespan and dating an older guy will make you a widow sooner, but we girls still end up choosing older guy. Because their maturity match ours. I think there must be a bunch of girls who find themselves attached to younger guys but the next thing to do is to cut off the feelings.

Mindset matters, direction matters.

I am 23, not 13. I am going to work soon, I can't live without direction, I can't live without knowing what is ahead. I need someone to ensure my future, not someone who will play games, ignoring me when I was sick, and can't spend money according to the priority list.

I am picky, but I actually don't owe such good qualifications to be picky. I know it better than anyone else.

I sometimes still think, if I got sick, and die, how nice would it be?

I must be a bad girl who doesn't appreciate, I have plenty that some people might get envy of, but I still think it will be best to die.

I don;t like myself, I found myself too rational, too emotional, too dramatic. I found myself trust people too easily, too afraid to face changes, too weak. I just don't think myself could contribute something good to this world.

I hate this discrepancies of my ideal self and my real self. That's why I think my existence is worthless.

Don't save me from this despair, I think I know enough about theories or motivating quotes, I just need a space to let it out, then I will be alright, perhaps.

Monday, June 13, 2016

这样的岁月

二十三岁,说真的不是很老,也不是应该哀悼光阴的时候,但是大学要毕业了,难免感叹,唉,我好像不能任意耍脾气闹情绪了。(虽然说我平常也没有什么耍任性的时候啦)

但是啊,我好像还没有准备好,比如说,负责任。我是个蛮懒的人。不是真的很懒,就只是蛮懒吧。因为我真的很不喜欢按部就班地上课、做同样的东西。很多人喜欢把这些解释成追求自由、喜欢有弹性的生活,可是我就不掩饰什么了,我就是懒惰。我不喜欢在我心情不对的时候,做一些我被逼的事情。老实说,就算真的逼我做些我不喜欢的事,我也不见得会表现得特别不好,就是我不想而已。

我想,这就是我的任性吧,很该死的性格,我知道。

大家也可以诠释为,我成绩好,我任性。老实说我不介意别人这样说,因为连我自己都没办法反驳,我觉得就是吧。仗着成绩不错,就不用功读书。好吧,我知道这样说很多人会说,哇很窜哦!可是,我真的不能因此就说我有很努力。我最努力的时候不是现在,我最努力的时候是SPM,当时出来9个A,还拿不到奖学金,那个时候我就知道,读书好没有用,成绩好没有用,如果好不到能“赚钱”,那就是没用。虽然我还是拿了一万多的奖学金,但是远远不够,我觉得,不够好。所以大家能理解,为什么我在大学只是一直在混。

也不是没有压力啦,上大学完全没有压力是骗人的。但是这还不是我的最好,将来肯定会有更好的。

要毕业了,二十三岁,出来工作又会是最年轻的一辈。但是我还是觉得,二十三岁了,最小又怎样?没有人会理会你的青涩、你的胆怯,既然如此又为什么不要隐藏自己的弱点呢?摆出来让大家笑话好吗?我可能还是算早就接触这个社会的,十七岁,第一份工作,我就知道,不是每个人都像我如此幸运,两份工都有人照顾。那些很险恶的人,我想我还是见过几个的。

大人玩的游戏、客套的话,我听着腻了。我看到只是冰山一角我就已经开始不喜欢,真的不知道以后要怎样。

有点感到悲伤,毕竟好像真的要长大了,再矫情任性下去,就会让人讨厌了吧。