Lost the ability to love

I guess, I have lost the ability to love, I start to not being appreciate and cherish. Everything seems like a lie. Everything become so negative to me, love songs aren't sincere, caring isn't sweet anymore.

I feel like I am dying.

I cannot see anything with a neutral stand, I am just being selfish. I cannot love anyone now, I cannot trust anyone now. It's just like the world is fading away from me, and I am still all alone being here. No one care no one would know the existence of me.

Before you get me, before you become my bf, I was being sensitive too. I can't trust in love too. I was afraid to love too. I know starting a relationship definitely means you are going to get hurt while creating some sweet memories. It is in a package. But you changed me, you make me believe everyone deserve to be loved. No one should be left out. We all are human, we have the right.

The sweetest phrase I've learned from you.

You said, I shouldn't be worried, because you didn't expect anything from me.

You are saying I only need to be there, let you love me, let you treat me nice, let you be my hero, my dad, my bro, my friend and my lover. I only have to be there. Since you only need me to love you back. All you need is just my love.

Do you realize I am actually putting more and more and the scale is getting more and more imbalance?

You save me from being no confident but now you make me think that I am such a bad gf that you need to lie me. Am I doing bad? Or am I too demanding? Is it I am too controllable? Or I am being too strict?

And once again, I feel that I have lost the confidence to love.

You know, there is one thing that I seriously admire you --- your patient. You never give up no matter how hard is our situation, how matter what is next to us or how pain you are, you never say goodbye. All the way long, you never leave me.

I guess maybe I think this is important, the will to insist in love is way too important so I gave you a lot of chance to change. Maybe, you don't know how to change, or you forgot that it is wrong doing so, so you lie again and hurt me again.

Someone told me, if you wanna break up and get back together, you should make sure you can trust and forgive 100%. I think I can't. I can't even think that all guys wouldn't lie, I can't even think that there is someone who won't betray. So, tell me, how am I supposed to be with you?

I can't isn't it? Can't you see I have lost the ability to love you.

忙、我忙着忽略

本来嘛，在部落格里写下我和男朋友的问题不是我的作风，我真的以为为什么要把男朋友的事情写上去让所有人知道你们过得不好是不？可是现在我居然动了这些感受。

我的前几任，就算我不说也会定时上我的部落格看看，可能我没有更新了还是怎样，可能我写中文他看不了，我不知道什么原因可是我一百巴仙肯定他不是不会看到这篇文，除非我叫他来看。

我下个礼拜大考，这个星期读书周，我原本应该很有空，应该能够花花时间和朋友聚聚可是我却窝在家里读书，为什么呢，我想我不想要朋友问起你，而我无从说起。

每一次道歉、每一次讲电话、每一次的每一次，你都是那么诚恳。你做错事情让我哭了一场、担心、生气，可是你总是告诉我你不知情，不是故意的，或是你抱歉。

抱歉你就改改你的脾性，改改你的习惯，改改好让我知道你想我快乐。

多少次了我打你的手机打到天亮、多少次了我说想睡前说说话、多少次了你出去了手机没电要不手机有电可是联系我让我要找你澳洲的朋友来找你。

男人，你找他的时候他没有理你，就是因为他要不在忙、要不他不忙。他忙的话你应该理解，不忙的话却又不找你，你就该秤秤自己在他心中的位子。

那么好了，不说你嗜睡的习惯，也不说你不喜欢报备的性格（报备是常常做到，但是就是有好多次好多的小时不上线不找你，反而更让人担心。）可是最基本的保护，你给不到你做不了。你的承诺的基础是你父母，任何关于你的决定你必须经过他们，哪怕只是一个去旅行。我们多久没见了，好像半年了。我开始不知道你的头发发线是在哪边，肩膀有多宽。

他们不喜欢我，我知道；同样我不喜欢他们，甚至可以说我讨厌。为什么呢，能够直接去干扰我家人的人，我不讨厌都难。我真的，因为他们想和你分手可是很不甘心不是吗，不甘心因为这样的理由分了不是吗。我不想看见他们，也不想去应付他们的脸色。我不是一定要嫁给你，你说我干嘛要受他们的气？你说如果那天他们没有打给我妈我会对他们有这种看法？难道一个不懂尊重的人我应该尊重她？说了n遍了，不爽我，冲我来，告诉我原因，为什么去打扰我妈？

她错了，很挫，错的离谱，为什么？因为她更加应该劝你和我分手，别劝不动去劝我妈，你该带直接打电话给我，我的电话号码你那么神通广大很容易就拿到。

那，这也不是你的错，那是你父母，我觉得你也够压力了被夹在中间。那么好吧，我们再说一件事。背叛。

我从来，没有，试过，被背叛。你让我试了第一次，第二次……

究竟在你心里我是什么位置？可以让你在我们的热恋期，就因为我不小心惹怒了你，你就开始和别的女孩暧昧。你就可以对别人说爱她。搞得我好像都不存在一样。

我应该很感谢，在你之前我有三任前任，他们把我保护的密不透风害怕我受一点伤，可能笨拙，可是他们不背叛。你却把那么痛苦的经历给我。这两年，我和男生简讯也不多发，都光和女生聊，男生都是见到面才聊天，你说我为毛要这样？你说我是不是笨让别人觉得I'm taken？你让我知道了我真的不应该不好好经营自己的市场，任其荒废。

你知道我又哭了吗，你又做了什么值得我原谅？

Hatres

I couldn't help myself but to hate someone I am not suppose to hate. My friend once said to me "What for I care so much of what others think about you? Just because you see them everyday? You don't like people to judge at you? Oh please, you will not see them anymore after graduation."

Yes, I was once judged by my classmates to that extent them posted on fb scolding me b*tch.

But, what if, this is a person you are going to see for the rest of your life? (Don't start guessing who is it.) *giggles*

I have a choice not to see that someone, I do have a choice but I need to give up something important to let that someone get out of my life.

I am always sure that I deserve the best, I am unique, I should have get a better one, or the best one, but obviously... not this one. Sometimes I laugh at myself, looking at what I have done last time and realize they were all wrong. My life just gone to a wrong direction.

How should I face that someone now? I can't even smile and say hi, I can't even praise them from my heart, I just hate anything they do. The thought of "they are doing this with intention or purpose" keep lingering in my mind. They are just faking themselves, presenting to be good.