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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

又是你

你说你不回复我是理所当然,你没有义务,可是你却有时间上网回复朋友的留言。

你说你不懂你要怎么回我,可是别人敷衍的一句你却总是有想法。

你说你不想做坏人,可是你发现吗?你只是对我严苛。

你说你无所谓,可是你在等着她。

你说你怕我回不了头,究竟一心想和前任复合的人是你还是我。

你说直到你忘了她不要见面,可是我们本来就只是朋友,你会不会想太多了?

你说不要约束你因为我们只是朋友,可是我敏感不是一两天的事了,况且不是因为你我才敏感的。

你说不要拿你和他比较,可是你却能和我暧昧也和别人这样,这还有差吗?

你说你只是忙得没有看电话,我看你的在线的时间分明就是和别人在聊天。

你说你怕爱不上我,天知道我不需要你爱,没有爱更好,之后不会痛苦。

你说的全都有你的道理,分明是我看的太重,本来分不清界限的人就不只是我。

你说你不能照顾我是因为之前有女朋友,现在你说我还不是你女朋友。

你说的和我听的不一样,我只是要一段不负责任的感情,几个月就好,不需要你的这些认真。

到头来,心更加累了。

不要太坚强了

气匆匆地下了车,狠狠地踹了他的车门,“走!都走!我才不稀罕!你以为——”句子还没说完,宝蓝色的奥迪呼啸而去,剩下空气中的尘埃模糊了她的视线。

“去你的……”她喃喃地道。

这世界是怎么了,男人就这么肤浅了?都五年了,在一起都五年了他现在才来劈腿?还说什么真爱,得了吧,我不成全你们就我不对了?什么我不放手我们三个都辛苦,什么总要有人快乐?我去你的,老娘现在腻了不玩了不行了吗?去啊,去穿我的旧鞋,他肯定还会背叛你!

她恨恨地想着,气得直踹路边的树干。

夜已经沉了,那轮明媚的月亮也出来嘲笑着她和她那不堪的爱情。她不想一个人,于是进了酒吧,坐到了熟悉的吧台,没两分钟一排缤纷的试管酒就来了,她随手拿起了一支,血红得妖艳,一口干。

酒就是这么神奇,喝下去烈烈地,却让人变得诚实。

“倪倩你不要再喝了!”终于在她快没有意识的时候,那把熟悉的声音响起了,头还没有转过去,手中的酒就被男人一把扯开,突然失去重心的她摔在了吧台上。

“好慢啊。”她笑了,能够在这里并且够胆子拉开她手里的杯的人,只有他了。他来了,就好了。

“你究竟是喝了多少!”男人依然激动,究竟是酒吧里的音响太吵?还是他真的喊得那么大声,她的耳朵竟然有点疼。

“没多少啊,就一支Brandy,一排Test tube,霍少,你不是这样也要和我算吧?你付得起的!”

“走。”男人没有再啰嗦只是扯着她出去,这毕竟是他的店,应当留点面子。这疯女人又是怎么了,他接到酒保的电话马上就赶来了,吩咐过了不要再让她喝,结果还是徒劳。

她也不闹了,就乖乖地上车,然后眯着眼看着开车的他。

“有话就说。”男人好看的唇动了动,简单明了。

“我分手了。”

“嗯。”男人只是抿了抿嘴。

她似乎对他的反应不太满意,直了直身体,看了看前方的路。久久没有说话,突然间猛地起身凑近他的耳朵吼,“我说我分手了!!!”

他一把推开她,“你这样很危险!我在驾车!”

她大笑,“你什么时候变得这么认真?这不像你啊!”

“所以你到我店里闹就为了看我变得怎么样?你看到了,我很好,可以回家了。”

她看了看他,他真的变了吧,成熟了稳重了,他没有将她丢在人群里已经够让人惊讶。“我没有家,没有地方去。”

他没有回答,静静地开着车。她也没有再闹,静静地凝视窗外出神。

她知道他总会送她到安全的地方,他知道她只是要人陪。

他把她载到了自己家,领着她走到了卧室,从衣柜拿了棉被准备去客厅。“我可以问你问题吗?”她沙哑的声音响起,他转头望进了她的眼里,看到了她闪烁的眼神里满满不安和不知所措。这女人,原来在别的男人的卧室还是会紧张。

“当初为什么总是数落我,我要做什么你都不支持,为什么总是讽刺我小看我,为什么不体谅我一个人出来找工作不容易,为什么对我总是那么严厉……”她一口气说了出来。五年前的那些问题总该有个好的答案。

男人放下手中的被褥,前去摸了摸她的头。“因为我当时不懂女人,而你太过倔强。是我忽略了你的感受,对不起。”

还没说完的话已经湿润了她的双眸,他继续说:“不要太坚强了,不然全世界都会误会你没关系。”

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Hurting my pride

And I am hurting myself again, slowly torture myself and see how long I can last. Let's just pretend you are okay and fake smile when people talks about him, your past, or your heart, just put a show and laugh over those sarcasm.

You are not in pain, not painful enough to let him go.

Yea, so, let's do this.

I thought I was alright, so I check on her, not him but her. Surprisingly I got affected by her, not him. Someone please come and tell me you guys are together now, so I can move on more quickly. Actually it should be painful enough to let go, since he did cheat on me, liking another girl while dating me, he ignored me, his mom disrespect me and my family. What is not enough to let go? But seriously, do I have to remind myself all these shits he did so I can move on? I have to tell myself he is a bastard that I have loved for 2 years so I can move on? There are surely some good points about him, but I just don't want to think in that way.

Just done my another quiz, I feel tired of studying.

I remember my mom did ask me do I want to skip one semester since I can't concentrate on my study, I should just say yes. I am living like a zombie now.

I got much better, but I am still sensitive over people who don't reply me after reading my message. Oh, talking about this. It is so funny, my friend go and take my phone to send him a message on fb, and I just realize it just now. He didn't reply, good, if he replies then it would be awkward. But my friend is dead by doing so.

Because I am still not okay. My friends are all busying suggesting me new guys, but I don't feel like starting anything. I feel like they are all the same. Why make it so complicated when it can be simple? If you like me then you would just reply me, you wouldn't lie, you will care if your text put a smile on my face. Don't blur the line. You don't have to act like him who likes another girl while dating me, there's no point.

Talk about the girl, I think too much on her post, yea, I guess I did. Seems like she thinks she might have fallen into a guy who take care of her when she was sick. She said he is being so patient. If the guy she mentioned is my ex, I wouldn't be surprised. He has all the patient in this world, and he is good in taking care of others, not himself, but others. When he wanted to woo me, it was during the time I was sick too. He got all the ways to get close to a girl if he wants.

Another friend of mine that I am close with told me he did chase her long time ago. And he never mention this to me before. We all know the girl and we did count on how many girls he was interested or chased before, and I then realized now, all the patterns of playboy are the same. I meet a playboy before, he only told me his exs that I know, but in fact he chased after so many girls that I don't know.

Judging only from this point, I should get rid of him. And I did, but it is still not complete yet.

I feel like whoever flirting with me is disgusting now. I see those as another strategies that they did on other girls, it is just they use it on me this time.

And I feel that there is nothing bad to be a playgirl. This is the results of suffering too much pain, but the one who cause me pain won't care this anymore. But I really wish to be one now, desperately. Even if I will regret one day.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

他的心思不在你身上

我好了很多。

晚上不需要别人说晚安,做了噩梦醒来不会流泪,唱歌的时候没有歌需要回避,没有马上回复我不会在意,我甚至开始依赖起一个人的时间,为了我自己的而存在。

那天喝酒了,四个人喝了六个buckets,我们疯了、笑了,然后我是最清醒的那个,有时我在照顾别人,可是这次喝酒没有哭,第一次分手了喝酒没有掉泪,我笑了一个晚上,然后照顾了他们一个晚上,他们都吐了,都不能动了,可是第二天大家都和我说谢谢,多好。

被别人需要的感觉,真好。

我只是,像有人在这个时候告诉我,我做得很好,恢复得很好。可是没有。有人说,我不需要受这种苦去照顾别人,我不需要被别人需要而感觉存在,我自己需要自己。

他说得对,我的确不需要,我自己就需要我自己。

可是,让自己坚强、让自己强大、让别人依靠自己,有什么不好吗?我很好啊,我可以照顾好自己,这没有什么不好。

唯一不好的是我自己想太多了,是我自己给自己太多假象。其实不需要去在意的人,我去在意了。

要是他没有找你,就是他在忙,
要是他不忙,他就会找你,
如果他没有忙也没有找你,那就算了,他的心思不在你身上。

这是真的。我想,就因为你也是这样,我开始觉得这世界上的男生都是这样。不懂应该再鼓起勇气去相信,还是应该逃避。

Saturday, October 18, 2014

我的退步

只想,过着不要听到他不要看到他的日子,
我却不知道这有如此之难,
像个鸵鸟,将自己埋在泥里,
只是对自己的部落格诚实,
活在这种分不清是梦亦是现实的时间里,
一日,如度一年之久。

朋友啊,
你们的关心我究竟该感谢还是谢绝,
你们一次次提醒我他已经不是我的,
却一次次让我觉得我不活在现实里,
我想逃,却逃不到,
他的名字充斥着我的生命,
一寸一寸,不留下一点空间让我透气。

在这种光是控制自己都吃力的日子,
不要来关心我,
过度的关心让我依赖,
甚至为此害怕颤抖,
你们总就要离开的,那就不要对我好。

你没有发现吗,
我的本性是溜,
你在爱我之前我不是将你让了出来,拱手相让吗,
不是我不够在意,我只是没有勇气,
那又为何等我下定决心你是一辈子的那个人,
然后将我推开?
你看不到吗,
现在的我,害怕你的一切消息。

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I just have myself

One and half months, been trying so hard not to stalk you, and I didn't, congrats to me? But I looks at things that she posted. Your friend that I trusted the most. I guess I really dragged her in conflicts, I actually feel bad. I shouldn't ask her about you when we broke up. I shouldn't ask her to pass on msg. I should just shut myself in my own world and heal myself slowly.

She told me, that you like someone when you dated me. That is so heart-breaking and I realize you didn't change for these two and half years. Just the same when you cheated on your ex before me. I missed you so much but still I didn't want to find you, I will mock at myself and lose my ego if I find you.

There are so many hard times I have been through in this one and half months. I fight for them on my own. I am really alone now, you are really walking out of my life now. And these all seems like a dream. I still dream of you often, like twice in a week, and woke up in a bad mood. But I only got myself, I can't rely on anyone because I will end up being alone again. I know this.

I guess you won't pay attention to my blog so yea, I am speaking everything out from my heart here.

I don't know who to trust, not you, not your friend. Everyone is thinking like we are doing this to help each other, we are doing this to reduce the pain, we are doing this to avoid troubles. But hey, did you guys ever consider my feelings? You just leave, without giving explanation, yea, it is me who change your relationship status in fb, I pretend as you to ask your friend whether you cheated on me again. But it doesn't mean I am not expecting an explanation.

So now you know I know you liked another girl when you dated me, you don't give an explanation, your friend even remove me as friend in fb. Now what? everyone is avoiding me. And what? I annoyed you? Oh please, I am now crying my lungs out, but you know it, you know I am not that weak to accept facts, you can totally tell me I get you annoyed and you don't like me and then go. Like a man. You can totally clear out those conflicts before you leave.

You always know what I am thinking. I get pissed off then I ignored you, I get sad then I will find you, I am impulsive, bad in handling my temper and emotions, you know these. I just wanted your parents to respect me and my family, I just want you not to cheat on me or give me empty promises, I just want this. Yes I am sensitive and I don't know how to love you, because I never got cheated before, I don't know how to face you, whenever I look at your face I saw you sent her the msg saying : "I do" with a heart emoji.

I have gave you everything I can, Trust me this, I have tried every ways to make myself trust you, but it still ends up with lies. If you want to lie, then let me go. Don't lie, say you can't stand this and leave. Don't even reply and say you really can't stand this and leave.

And now, we broke up without any words. If you ever loved me, please, give an explanation on this. Why you want a break up why you seems alright after breaking up why you and your friend always telling me different things. Tell me?

No matter how much I cry I still don't get your attention, you guys are living so well. I just pity myself that cared so much. I did want to ask you all those whys, and get a reply. So I can move on. But, I don't think you will be replying? Then what for I ask? So I will pity myself again..?


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

或许

或许,你会遇到另一个人,然后开始一段新的恋情。有时甜蜜,有时难过,有时会想起我然后悄悄叹息。你的她可能爱你比你爱她多,可能你爱她比她爱你多。可能你们会分手,你们会结婚,你可能会再痛一次,你可能会幸福。

或许,你会留在了现在的地方,可能你的父母会过去和你一起住,可能他们会认为你长大了,成熟了,会留下一大笔钱让你创业。可能他们还是管你,只要你按照着他们的意思生活。可能你会妥协,可能你会反抗。

或许,你会后悔,为什么爱不起我还是执着不肯放手,看着我被你宠溺而骄纵,看着我堕落而沉沦,看着我活得自我陶醉。可能你早已抽身离开,可能你到最后还是放不下我。可能你现在在哭,可能你正在笑,又或者有了其他目标,用着她们离开我。就像从前一样,你还是可能不甘寂寞。

或许,回到了家乡,我们会相遇。我们可能会不说一句话,不打招呼,就像陌生人一样,就算心里有很多想法很多感觉,可是没有说出口。我们可能会大方地问一句,最近好吗,然后转身过自己的生活。我们可能会弄清楚当初我们的之间的错误纠纷,然后做朋友。

或许,我看见你的时候我会哭,可能我会伪装自己所以笑,可能我会不屑而调头就走。然后心里可能久久不能平息,心里也可能松了一口气。

或许,未来的我们,路那么不同,我们可能就到此为止,连相遇的机会也没有。

可是,我清楚地知道,没有一个或许,是我们能够再在一起。决定了,不后悔了,我们不能在一起。和你一起的快乐,看回去,就只是我自己的假象。你当初说的话,到最后,只有我自己遵守。那些回忆好像变成我一个人的。我从你身上,学到最为深刻的就是不要相信。不要相信任何一个人说的任何一句话,我已经没有爱一个人的资格。

Monday, October 6, 2014

Half Drunk

I was half drunk last night, yea, half not that drunk, I still can walked perfectly fine but I just kept laughing, laughing over bad jokes, laughing over my scar, laughing over a drunk friend who kept asking me to be happy.

I feel guilty, to be honest, for not being able to be happy.

I hide inside toilet to cry at first, but then end up tearing in public after my drunk friend called off my other female friend to take care of me. He was a cute brother that one can have, I love you as a brother.

To another younger brother who we tried to make him drunk, thank you for being there and not getting annoyed by me. Haha I was really having fun last night but too bad we didn't get you drunk, that was sad. And the birthday boy, you are supposed to get drunk last night since we were drinking for your birthday, but thank you that you teman me for supper even though I know you guys live far away. And two of my university friends who always be there when I am down. My house is far and have to ma fan you guys send me home because I insisted not to stay overnight at anyone's home. Thank you for taking care of me and my friend. And sincerely sorry for the troubles.

It wasn't that bad to get drunk once in a while, at least one thing is clear. I still know my limits and self-control. I didn't end up staying at someone else home or calling to talk to others, I didn't cry out loud I was still able to take care of my face. I have found my ego and myself back to me. So yea, it wasn't so bad. 

I still can't stop asking why, why this happen why that happen why always me. Just like when I was playing Dota I was like why only switch with my position and gamebang me??? I am so innocent lea. hahaha. But someone told me there will be reason but it is not important now.

As usual, when I drink I will have diarrhea, but it is just diarrhea, no headaches, no hangovers, which is really good. I still have another mid term later on in this Saturday, should be studying tonight.

Another thing is the habit of talking to others when I am drunk. How lucky am I to have friend who can spend time or wasting time with me. I know I can't ask for more, but thank you so much my friend, knowing you at this particular period of time is lucky.

Oh, another thing, I just woke up and was scrolling my fb with my blurred eyes, trying to add a guy who joined the drinking last night to thank him but I accidentally click send friend request to another person, my ex. How fascinating is it, so many people in the friend list but I only click on his. Since he has accepted it I won't delete it. It is just a coincidence just an accident, it is not like I am purposely doing this. And yea, when I look at his profile I feel nothing.

What really hurt me is another friend of his that I know, when I look at her profile I found out she remove me as friend. I guess maybe she just doesn't want to see any of my updates, since she is close to him, maybe she will be struggling to tell him my stuffs or not? Or in the past I was being too annoying to ask her about his stuffs? I don't want to make her suffer, but then since I added my ex back, then it should be alright for us to be friends on fb. So yea, trouble maker as me, I added her back. But the decision of accepting or not is up to her, I won't blame her.

Anyway, I feel that I value friendship over my relationship, it is just that relationship makes me give in more than a friendship. It is weird to give in a lot in a friendship right, it will be burdensome. So yea, I want to keep this friend, even if it means we will never meet up again.  

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Wake me up when September ends


September is always worse for me. Two years ago it was death of my friend, then it was getting out from the comfort zone to a new environment last year, and now it is breaking up with the loved one. It becomes scary to have September in every year. And yes, I feel relief now September is ends.

After one month, it seems like we have really broke up for a long time. Our last movie was Feb this year, and I never thought the farewell in airport will be our last farewell. I am sure that when I am back to Tawau, we would meet up. Since we share mutual friends, same social circles, same hometown. Even if we don't plan to meet up we will still bump to each other one day. The question that I have been asking myself is, do I want to meet him up?

Now I have stopped stalking him for... 16 days. I am doing well in these 16 days. Of course, there are times where his name just pop out from fb, insta any social network I am using. But I didn't search for him intentionally. If you ask me did I put him down completely, that's why I am doing it with ease? I am not. I am just trying to protect myself from hurting. Checking him is painful, when I know he is doing well is killing me. What I am doing is just like running away from the problem.

I guess, I don't want to meet him up. Even for the rest of my life.

I am not sure if I can even smile at him. I hope he will be staying at Aus and don't have to come back. What a selfish me. But it is too painful to look at him, someone I have spent all of me loving. Yes, all of me, this reminds me of a song, the song from John Legend. We used to sing the song in car with the fm, we promised each other we will use all of ourselves to love each other, we will accept all the flaws. I have to admit I didn't do that, I can't endure all the pains he gave me, but at least, I have gave him all of me, a me in whole.

It is still fascinating to realize that I am actually crying for him. I guess I haven't been crying for past a week, at least not for this matter. But now I am crying, I thought I would at least able to not to cry when mentioning him. Anyway, Tsen Mung Khie you are doing fine, at least you are okay in front of friends and parents, you didn't mention his name to them for a long time. Keep it up Karen, keep it up.

I think it is time to take care of my health. I kept having hard time in falling asleep and even if I fall asleep, I would have countless of nightmares. I am not sure if I was too busy in studies or there is other factors that is affecting my sleep, but I know I should pay attention on this.