September is always worse for me. Two years ago it was death of my friend, then it was getting out from the comfort zone to a new environment last year, and now it is breaking up with the loved one. It becomes scary to have September in every year. And yes, I feel relief now September is ends.
After one month, it seems like we have really broke up for a long time. Our last movie was Feb this year, and I never thought the farewell in airport will be our last farewell. I am sure that when I am back to Tawau, we would meet up. Since we share mutual friends, same social circles, same hometown. Even if we don't plan to meet up we will still bump to each other one day. The question that I have been asking myself is, do I want to meet him up?
Now I have stopped stalking him for... 16 days. I am doing well in these 16 days. Of course, there are times where his name just pop out from fb, insta any social network I am using. But I didn't search for him intentionally. If you ask me did I put him down completely, that's why I am doing it with ease? I am not. I am just trying to protect myself from hurting. Checking him is painful, when I know he is doing well is killing me. What I am doing is just like running away from the problem.
I guess, I don't want to meet him up. Even for the rest of my life.
I am not sure if I can even smile at him. I hope he will be staying at Aus and don't have to come back. What a selfish me. But it is too painful to look at him, someone I have spent all of me loving. Yes, all of me, this reminds me of a song, the song from John Legend. We used to sing the song in car with the fm, we promised each other we will use all of ourselves to love each other, we will accept all the flaws. I have to admit I didn't do that, I can't endure all the pains he gave me, but at least, I have gave him all of me, a me in whole.
It is still fascinating to realize that I am actually crying for him. I guess I haven't been crying for past a week, at least not for this matter. But now I am crying, I thought I would at least able to not to cry when mentioning him. Anyway, Tsen Mung Khie you are doing fine, at least you are okay in front of friends and parents, you didn't mention his name to them for a long time. Keep it up Karen, keep it up.
I think it is time to take care of my health. I kept having hard time in falling asleep and even if I fall asleep, I would have countless of nightmares. I am not sure if I was too busy in studies or there is other factors that is affecting my sleep, but I know I should pay attention on this.
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