不是为了自己

几天前去看了《Home》这部电影。在戏院居然就流泪了。好久没有觉得自己这么感性。

好像觉得，我的所有不开心的过去，其实很简单就可以抛在后头。因为什么什么比现在重要。没有什么比好好珍惜自己身边的人重要。

虽然我很害怕，可是还是应该要勇敢。我觉得，如果因为过去而浪费了可以快乐的机会，太不值得了。不是吗？

所以当对的人出现，我虽然犹豫虽然痛苦，可是我还是去勇敢了不是吗？

我最近，有点心情不好。也不知道是女生每个月的问题要到了，还是功课太多太重。我觉得我自己一个人生活，好像还不行。我好像还是得要依赖别人才能活下去。还是要有人陪着。

我不知道这是因为什么，是因为我自己本来就不甘寂寞？还是因为我曾经受过伤？

我想，自己一个人勇敢坚强，像我以前一样。那个时候我自己都觉得自己很耀眼、霸道，做什么都有一道信念在心头。是我现在看不到的。我很羡慕以前的自己，在还没有复杂之前，相信着自己觉得对的事情，然后开始一段旅程。

我现在没有那种冲动，所以觉得心里很空。

我在为了别人活着，父母、爱人、朋友，可是不是为了自己。我唤不起我的梦想我的目标。

Confused

Sometimes, I get myself confused with what I really want in life. I believe I am not too young to think of this. 22 years of life, this is a very important period of time to think of what you really want in life.

I have choices, looking at all the entrepreneur that makes successful life with a difficult start, I wonder what can I do at my 22nd. Try to think of it, should I start my own business and push myself further and further, up until the peak I want? Or should I be satisfied with friends and family around and settle down as other woman does?

I want it both. Can I? I want a balanced life with both achievement and social support.

I wanted to spend more time enjoying what I can do but not about earning money and position. I have to admit that authority and power sometimes really take the better of me, but they do not last long. They are just temporarily.

Which one would you envy more? The one that earn a lot of money with many respect from others? Or the one that enjoy their life to fullest, experiencing all the possible joy one could have?

No matter which one I want, these both lifestyle looks so interesting and attracting.

I wish to have a bag-packing journey travelling around Europe country, tasting every bitter sweet of being out of own country. Even if I got discriminated as an Asian, or even if I cannot get a comfortable bed to sleep in, or perhaps I have to walk for few or more kilometers to save my money. I would still want to do it.

I wish to have done a lot of extreme sports, particularly the sky diving. To be free at that moment and feel like nothing is no longer important to you since you are so near to death.

Sometimes, I wonder the dramatic life I have is due to my personality. I always seek for challenges. So people are now wondering why I did not take part in society in uni or work more hard to get scholarship.

They said, the better grade you get, the better attitude you have from the perspective of employer. This, is, not, true. Yea really? Because they never see people who can play DotA everyday yet getting good grade.

You know what, Google company now do not employ you based on your academic performance anymore. They look at what experience you have, what have you done, what kind of life you want. So what with good grade? You want a good grade so you can get a good job? NO. Any job you can get with a good grade are not good job. Why? They make you work for them. Why is it not good? Because you are still earning money for them, not yourself.

Never underestimate what you can do, even if you do not have a good grade okay?

So now I do not work hard on my results, nor my society/ club anything in uni. I do not need a cert to tell you, hey I am great come employ me. All these can be proved when you started working and gaining experience. The fastest way to learn something? Go ahead and challenge it, don't care if you will fall, make mistakes and learn from it. You do not need a cert.

Now I am thinking, should I push myself at the full speed to work part time now, to gain more experience? or should I just enjoy my university life and just play?

Should I learn more to achieve high? so in future I might have no time for family for friends? Or should I maintain like this, and YOLO?

That dream

That intense feeling I got when I dream of you, yes, these 3 months I never thought of you, that's why this dream got me in a very bad mood for whole day long.

I was screaming in this dream, being sarcastic, yelling at you, trying to slap you. I really wanted to just wreck your face. I never know I could hate this much, I thought I have let it go but no. I can't just forgot how stupid I was trying to impress you, how brainless I was trying to get close to you, just because a worthless guy I bend down my head, give in my ego and pride. But yet, what was in your mind? Didn't you just mock at me? Didn't you just laugh it off on my effort?

Didn't you spread rumors around the town?

I am not satisfied, and I never will. I will never tolerate with this outcome. I am more evil than I thought I could be. I let go of my love but I can't put own this hatreds.

Yet, I got no one to blame, I can't blame on the guy that I had once chosen to be together with, it was my decision. Now then I realize I can only blame on myself, the old stubborn me that ruin my own life, putting my health at risk and still think it worth.

And now, I am so insecure to love. I know I still have the ability to love, I am glad that I can find a way to reach the old me, but I am still not secure. I cannot just stay in a room alone, especially this room in KL, whenever I lay on my bed alone, I feel like this is a torture that never end. I cannot just stay at home one whole day, I feel like I am dying. I couldn't help myself, I just... can't think of anyway to go through this.

Now, I am considering whether I should go for counselling in my school, since my uni is have free counselling services anyway. Not to mention they are the best psychology school in Malaysia. Should I or should I not?

白色情人节

没有鲜花玫瑰，我只是在十二点收到了一条简讯。内容简单明确，我却笑开了花。明明就在我的旁边还发什么简讯。

最近好像习惯了有人在我的身边，开始没有失眠的问题，开始运动，开始变胖。是的，都已经运动了我还是胖了。

你曾经说过，我什么都给了别人，留下什么给你。

坦白说，我真的没有什么留下的。很多第一次经历的事情都不是和你一起。我很多次，一直想，如果我早一点遇到你，多好。不必承受那么多没必要的风浪。我还剩下什么。只剩下下半辈子，看你要不要而已。

我可能真的不太相信人生，所以觉得太好的事情都不属于我。遇到你我很幸福。这是我一直觉得的事。尤其是在我生病你吃好饭我的时候，尤其是我忙不过来你帮我做家务时候，尤其是你明明气急败坏可是我一嘟嘴你就抱我的时候，还有很多很多，和你家人见面的时候。

虽然，之前那个一点点小事就害羞半天的你已经不知道去了哪里，之前那个牵着我的手说我是玻璃做的不知去了哪里，之前屁都不敢在我前面放的你不知道去了哪里。老实说，喂，你最近好像开始越来越大胆，动不动就瘙我痒，动不动就玩电脑不和我说话，有时还叫我猪...

算了，我大人有大量嘛，你说是不是？哈哈哈哈。

每段感情都不是那么简单的。意见不合是会有的，不要为了小事钻牛角尖好吗？其实哦，虽然看起来有很多时候我们的事都是我说了算，可是好笑的是，为什么我生气你一流泪我就没辙？为什么我发脾气你一撒娇我就安慰？到底是你被我吃得死死，还是我被你吃得死死？哈哈。

最后，情人节快乐。不要再为了我没有回你简讯而闹我了宝贝。

我以为我能

或许我只能够成为我，而戏剧化的生活并不是因为我不幸运而围绕我，是因为我自己的本身。我真的很固执吧，不喜欢的事情、嫌麻烦的事情、我不想做的事情，谁都逼不了我。

我以为我能保护你，可是我连自己都保护不了，这样的我，谈什么别人？

如果我能够宣泄，如果我能够不再对着荧幕发呆，如果我能够忘掉以前的我，我想，我不会再为了这些琐碎的事情哭泣。

我想起，以前的自己，还是会痛。

我看着，现在的自己，觉得太不可思议。

是幸福来的太快？还是我实在太悲观？我没有能力去弥补什么，我也没有能力去回报什么，这些恩惠，我需要多少时间才能还清？

我很少让别人请我，不管是吃饭看戏喝酒，我都自己付钱。为什么？我想，我怕欠别人的感觉吧。总觉得你对我好，我以后要对你好，可是我不知道我有没有机会回报别人，所以我真的不想别人请我。

对于，别人给我好意，我想了想，可是不觉得有什么能够回报。为此我居然觉得难过，难过我怎么不好好珍惜。其实不是吧，多珍惜都好，还不清的还是换不清的。

我很久，没有这样模糊地写下部落格，每次这样的时候，我想我都是在保护自己吧。

我的脾气

脾气不好的我，从中二到现在的臭脾气，不知道要遇到怎样的人才会完全没有。就像我妈，在我爸面前有脾气也会压着，有时候觉得爸爸太大男人，但是不大男人怎么能够唬着我妈？

有时候我想，为什么我就是这么爱面子。

爱面子，在朋友吵架冷战的时候我不敢打扰，就算心里心急如焚但是还要按兵不动。像现在这样，我在乎并介意很多人对我的想法看法，可是还是要假装潇洒防护如果你离开了我也不屑一顾。

这么害怕寂寞的我，偏偏这样爱逞强的薄脸皮性格真让我上火。

有时候也会想说，收受自己的脾气吧，都几岁了还要这样残害自己的细胞。明明功课很多，心情很乱，就不要再浪费我的脑细胞了，可是就是……徒劳。