今天，我走了。

今天，我走了。

这是一件我们共同住过的公寓，两年，可是如今看回去，我好想再也看不到任何好的回忆。你曾经在楼梯间推开我，我曾经甩了门跑了出去，你曾经砸坏了茶几，我曾经站在阳台自己看着月亮流泪。

一开始你尊重了我的意愿，我想自己睡一个房间，你也由了我。你找了两个单人房的房子，我们开心地搬家，买了看起来有质地但是便宜的家具、把厨房漆成红白色、换了蓝色棉质沙发、苹果青的窗帘，没有电视，但是客厅放着双屏幕电脑。墙上挂起了我们的合照，橱里放着我的奖杯还有你的模型车。

当时真的很穷，为了这个家我们花了许多储蓄，当时我们没有家人的支持，硬着头皮做了一次很长的梦。

没有婚纸、没有签名、没有婚纱照，我们说了没有家人的祝福，我们不结婚。

我们可以在一起一辈子，这样就够了。

童话真的太美好，我们俩都快被冲昏了头。后来的后来，大家掉入了现实的生活中。忙得焦头烂额。

我是个咨询师，上班时间虽然固定，但是很长时间要单独见顾客。你说你不喜欢这份工作，要我辞掉，说你会照顾我。我不肯，你开始软磨硬泡。

你开始出差，刚开始一个月一次，一次三天。但后来一个星期一次。我开始觉得我是单身的。

有一次，你出差了，说好今晚会接我下班一起吃饭。好不容易到了快放工的时间，还有最后一个客人，是个妻子出轨的四十岁男人，事业有成，虽然他自己也在外面偷吃但是容忍不了妻子，却觉得离婚很没有面子。真是个糟糕的男人。

只是我没有想到他真的那么糟糕。

你进入我的办公室的时候，我想，我狼狈得想凭空消失。我以为你会揍那个混蛋，我以为你会问我难过吗，我以为你会说你在别怕。

可是你没有。

你看到我衣衫不整、满脸喘红的时候，你的嘴角勾了一下。当下我就知道你误会了。你过来拉起我的手，比他还要粗暴还要过分。一路拉着我将我甩进车座，一句话也没说。你好像忽略了我的眼泪。

“你误会了。”我静静地说着。我不知道为什么在你面前我还要装作冷静。

“我没有。”你没有看我只是握着方向盘。

我想我没有控制好自己，只是轻轻笑了出来。你真的越来越不可理喻。

“很好笑？”你问，你看着我，“你觉得我的反应好笑？！”

我不知道你驾得到底有多快，只是突然有了一种想法，如果说我们现在发生了车祸，死了。一瞬间的一辈子，多好。

想着这些的时候，你大概觉得我在闹着你玩吧，结果说了一句：“这些事情你以为我出差的时候少见吗？我只是觉得你也太大胆了吧，居然玩到了办公室里。”

我转头看着他，我应该哭吗，还是应该笑呢，你对我那么诚实。

结果我笑着流下了眼泪。

车一停，我先下车，扭头转进了厕所，我开始浑身上下洗了起来。那个男人的气味，那个男人的吻，所有，我要洗干净。太肮脏了。

出来的时候，他在房里。

我当下收起了我的所有衣物，剩下的之后再拿吧。

一股脑收拾好了所有用品之后，我看着行李发了一会儿呆。就这样离开吗？真的就这样？我们那么坚定我们那么爱对方，结果互相折磨，结果我们都不快乐。

他居然可以在我差点被侮辱的时候，告诉我他在外面也一样在玩？

想到这里，我知道我必须离开，我一秒都不想和这样的男人待下去。所以，今天，我走了。

只希望你不要后悔。

So this is it

I will just type this in English so you can read it without translation, I am doing this to avoid any unnecessary misunderstanding.

I just want to live simple, with the power to make decision on my own. I just don't like to get in complicated conflicts. I want to be myself, just the me who can laugh and cry comfortably.

I love when I have tantrums angrily and shyly apologize afterwards. I love when I speak, there will always have someone who can listen well, giving me suggestions and silence understandably. I love to lay on shoulders when I cry or feel tired, recharging my battery to start off again.

I like who is responsible, sociable, confident and take care of details. He needs to be filial and loyal, putting his family in the first place. Appearance is just an extra, but he must be healthy and be aware of it. Who should be conscious enough to follow plans and promises. Who is protective and brave enough to take care of me, to be the guy who can lead me in life.

I must be setting too high for you that you stress away and being irrational in talking. Or else I cannot believe you say that, it is from your mouth. It is just like one and half years ago, do you remember? You answered: "I do" with an emoji of love followed. It is way out of my expectation, I just could not imagine you say that. It is hurt, even now it is still hurting my heart.

You must have thought that I am not going easy with you by all the requests. Anyway you had it all before. You fulfilled all the requests as I mentioned.

You worked on school society. You could social well with your friends. You could laugh like there is no tomorrow. You bought me breakfast when I talked to you on the meals I was craving. You mentioned the good of your parents. You did not betray me back then. You worked out often. You studied hard on STPM and got all credits. You was so angry when I get bullied and wanted to kick his ass off. You taught me to put my ego and guards down to accept and love new things.

You did.

You were the one I wanted back then.

But my life is a mess now. I don't know when and I don't know how it started but it just turn out to be like that. Perhaps I was going easy on you and that is why you think you should have challenge yourself to make me mad. And, congratulation, you have succeed.

I feel like I was a rose who protected herself well with thorns but you teared me off. Putting me into water and you thought that would make me survive. But in fact I'm fading day by day.

To guess this may be my limit, or perhaps, you did reach my limit before but I was the one who pushed my limits for you.

No one is wrong, you know. I have been saying all these to you that it is not about whose fault. We just can't make it, we just don't match, we just don't suit each other. Just like what your parents said.

Or maybe we can just be like those Korean drama who break all the obstacles and be together? Living happily ever after? Don't make me laugh. I am that realistic, you know it. You know me so well but you like to do things in an opposite way. Anyhow I am one of the factors making things into this way, but still... I don't get it, I don't understand this.

I can't stand this. I can't accept all these.

I won't talk to you until you stand in front of me.

I'm just tired

In a younger age, I mean when I was an adolescent, I used to speak out my thoughts, feelings and problems to people around me. I feel relief when people understand me or whenever they agree with me.

By and by, I rather joke around than explore my pain to others. I can be crying at home and forget about what made me cry at campus, just try to make fun with my friends and one day will be passed. I know there are still problems which I cannot solve them at this moment, so I am trying to ignore it.

How I wish there is no siblings war in my family, and how I wish there is no one that I don't want to see for the rest of my life. I started to question a lot of "if"s, I started to dream what I can't have, but it is all useless.

年少无知的我，活得真得很轻松自在，我或许没有别人那么自由，我或许有着很多责任很忙，或许也太正直没有试过犯下大错，可是那的时候的我，真的说是多洒脱就有多洒脱。我勇敢地说出我的话，我能大方地要求别人的回答，我也可以做我自己放肆大笑。可是现在的我，我也不懂自己缺少了什么，整个人很空。

我希望，我能好好地和男朋友的家人相处。我可以在他们也说出我的想法。我希望，我的英文不是那么烂，我不需要为了顾及别人的嘲笑、别人的眼光，大方地，说我想说的话，做我想做的事。我希望，我不是那么胖，又或者，自己不是那么介意体重机上的数字，走出去穿得怎样不需要介怀。

I think I know what is missing, my confidence have gone, since I graduated from my high school.