Throwback to Venice

I remember when we were back in Venice, we didn't plan our trip based on the tide. High tide in Venice will flood some walkways and we didn't know about that until we landed on the island.

We avoid going out early and always return to our accommodation before ten or else we may be stuck somewhere. They would lay out the wooden plank to make a walkway for the pedestrians but the way I see it is that it is rather dangerous. The only time we used the wooden plank was the day we took a train to Florence. Many of the tourists bought the rubber boots just to walk easily when it was flooded, but we don't have a budget for that, we can only work with our schedule.

There we had one of our most expensive meals, but the quality was just okay. Also he insisted to return for a liquor we saw the night before, so after we reached the train station on our last day, he took his way back to the store alone as we didn't want to carry all our baggage through the wooden plank anymore.

It was such a big challenge for him since he gets lost easily, but he made it with only the verbal instructions I gave. Big applause for him? 

The luck we had in our honeymoon

Right before this pandemic begins, we went to a one-month long trip in Europe, from Germany to Greece, we travelled through seven countries and 13 cities. 

It was a low-budget trip, we only spent RM12k per person throughout the whole trip. We did manage to stay in the hotels and not Airbnb for most of our trips, we had amazing meals and took multiple train trips and three flights in that month. When most people went to Europe to shop, we only brought back chocolates as souvenirs for our families and friends, because we only carried hand luggage to avoid paying for extra baggage. 

Our itinerary was planned to fulfil our needs, for him it is the food, and it is the scenery for me. We don't mind taking super early train and reaching our destination late night, one day we just took 7-8 hour train and stopped at Milan for one and a half hours for lunch. So we cut down most of the expenses on visiting the museum and historical sites that required entrance fee, also I make sure to book the trains and flights as early as I can book them so it saves the travel fee. Booking 3 months ahead and one day before the departure can have a huge difference for approximately 30-80 Euro. Not to mention that I actually used one whole year to plan for this trip. We didn't want to stay in one city for too long, usually 2-4 days, as we wanted to get a taste of each city this time. So our time is really limited.

But we got very lucky.

When we were in Berlin, despite having the most beautiful city park, the weather wasn't pleasant enough to make good photos. We planned to visit the Tiergarden on our last morning, we even picked our outfits to match each other. Thinking that we might have to cancel our plan but when we woke up that morning, the weather was so good. We managed to find a corner in the park for the photo shoot, and the result is so nice.

When we were in Prague, the last morning before our departure, the sky was blue and it was sunny for the first time. We got excited and took the train using the 24h pass we purchased the day before to the Old Town Square. Finally, we got to see the so-called romantic and pretty Prague's Square.

And then when we were in Switzerland, we only had one day to visit the snow mountain. It was the highlight of the whole trip so I was checking the weather forecast probably one month before our trip, although they are inaccurate. And because I bought the discounted ticket beforehand, we were not able to change the date if the weather is bad. Before we headed up to the mountain, the sky in the city was grey so we were a bit sceptical even when the weather from the live cam was good. The sky at Mt. Titlis turned out to be clear, the sun is up high, with no mist and almost no cloud. It happens that I also picked the right mountain as the condition of each mountain can be different. I even squeezed a very packed schedule to ride a ferry and visited another mountain. Mt Rigi on the day we leave Switzerland. 

It was also the same in Venice, where we only had one day to visit Burano aka the colourful island. The one-day pass ferry ticket was 20 Euro so we cannot afford to do it for two days, we also decide that if the weather isn't good then we will not waste that money and we can just go on our trip without visiting Burano island. Since we only stayed 2 nights there, so we only had one full day to fit the Burano trip, cancelling it would mean that we will only be able to visit the island the next time we visit Venice. And guess what, the weather turns out to be great, we even took good pictures from the Grand Canal when we were back from Burano island too.

Then, it is the visit to Santorini. We wanted to stay longer there as I know the scenery was too great to be missed. It also has the title of the most beautiful sunset, I didn't want to risk my chance of seeing it. But then visiting Santorini in December is boring as most of the shops would be closed. Even though it was cheap to eat, the hotel fee was affordable, but we can't visit the volcano, and we didn't enjoy spending money to dine on a ferry (even though that sounds very fancy). So we only stayed two days in Santorini, with only one sunset. I checked the live cam before our visit, and it was cloudy, the sun can hardly be seen. It happens for a few days continuously, but for the two days we stayed, it was sunny all the time. It is ridiculous to this point because when we were leaving, the sky wasn't that blue anymore.

I think the trip was amazing because the weather is always helping us. To have sunny days in Europe in November and December is rare, we had rainy and cloudy days most of the time but when it comes to the important schedules, the luck is on our side.

I am so thankful that we didn't happen to lose any money or miss any train. I am also thankful that my husband was calm and helpful all the time. <3

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Taking a trip back to Prague

Our days in Prague were not pleasant, mainly because of the weather.

I remember one day when it was raining when we were on our way back, he got a stomachache and we decided to stop at Starbucks. When he went to the toilet, I went to order and I fell down at the stairs again after doing the same thing at the Berlin main station where everyone was staring. This time no one noticed me as I fell down at the corner. 

The shop is small and pretty occupied as it was pouring outside. I ordered myself a festive drink, probably a hot toffee latte or cappuccino. I think that was the first and last toffee drink I had, it was sweet and warm. Now that Christmas is coming, Starbucks Malaysia also offers a toffee drink, it reminds me of Prague.

When it was cold and crowded, we were stuck together at Starbucks with a toffee latte.

咖啡醉人

或许我还是应该有点小确幸 自己还有这样的空间发泄一下满腔的感情

结婚了有什么不一样？

老实说我没有结婚的实感，我也不在乎这样的仪式，两个人要在一起就是会在一起的，仪式绑住对方、肆意庆祝并不会让我觉得更加快乐，或许这样大肆地宣告世界就不是我喜欢的方式。我甚至觉得"一辈子的承诺"也不需要执着。这辈子那么长啊，我也说不清我会不会违背自己的承诺，连自己都不信了，我要我的另一半做出这样的承诺好像也不是很合理。能在一起是缘分也是幸运，如果我或他中途离开了，那我庆幸我们相遇过。不想办婚礼也有另一个原因？我了解到了平淡是多么难能可贵，让故人聚在一堂总觉得惶惶不安，好像会闹出什么事。

梦真的是一个很可怕的事情。

我最近一直梦回中学的时候，要么考试迟到，考的科目我没有准备过；要么前男友劈腿离开，我一边慌一边想着自己忘了谁；要么就是家里进蛇了，现任把我关在家里（中学时我家真的进过，当时自己一个人在家里哈哈）……

啊，最近明星猝死的事情，可能也有点影响吧……我最近在想，九年前如果他没有离开，我们算不算是朋友？最近是他的忌日，昨天还是他原本的生日。只是他永远停在了17岁。

这些日子我都记得，我不提，但是我记得。可能是因为记性很好吧呵呵。九月一直是个多事之秋。

今年几岁了，哦，27了。我听着十年前的歌，为什么就不觉得旧呢？

我活着和27不符合的生活，熬夜、打游戏、不务正业，连我自己都感到空虚。可是我不敢改变。我害怕多姿多彩的生活，我发现我总是有意避开社交，然后又自怜自艾没生活。

和从前鲜明的生活对比，现在的平淡，我一边讨厌着一边庆幸着……

我或许成为了一个自己都讨厌自己的大人，天天喝着咖啡，一边讨厌咖啡的味道一边上瘾……

消化

我其实很崩溃。

刚开始的几天，我还努力地笑，不管是做什么，是运动、出去吃饭、上云顶赌博，总是好过什么都不做。啊，我还去了学校，还努力地修改要叫上去的论文。

直到父母说了——延期婚礼，我才松了一口气。

然后，现在学校假期，论文刚刚交上去，原本说好要完成的目标给我一而再再而三地拖延着……

为什么呢，哦，因为我的To-do List里，第一行醒目的字就是——inform delay of wedding。还有note里面其他To-do list和Budget，都是关于婚礼的。

我每天的行程就是，醒来、玩手机、玩电脑、玩到累、睡觉。也乘着新冠病毒的疫情，几乎待在家里一个星期，要知道我是不喜欢宅在家里的。一个星期一个星期这样地过，这样的日子居然快要一个月了。

前两天我终于问出口了，那个化妆师、摄影师还有酒席都要联络了吧……

是终于消化了这件事情吗……

今天，原本是试婚纱的日子……

非他不可

我最近在思考一些浪费时间的事，我为什么要思考呢，或许这样才是我吧，有些敏感和矫情的我。

我在想，这世界上多少对情人，是真的觉得如果不是对方就不能的？我是说，如果当初遇到的人不是对方，而是一个恰好可以相处、恰好可以沟通、恰好可以在一起一辈子的人，那么还会在一起吗？

这样的问题源自于最近看的一部综艺，是一个当红的女明星结婚了六年后的一个民宿综艺。里头记载了她和丈夫的相处模式和迎接客人的种种。

整部节目就是以温馨且温暖地呈现，算是疗愈吗，这么疗愈人心的一部综艺我已经是三刷了。

每一次看都能有不同的领悟，就是这部综艺高明之处。

当中有人问她，结婚六年……暧昧那样的人，没有吗？女明星答，有啊，可惜啊……

要知道当年是多么红的一线明星，就算已经40还是有人追的。

她笑说，她结婚时最害怕的就是自己劈腿，明明她就是那么喜欢暧昧又喜欢新鲜的人。

她有说，可是你总会遇到这样的一个人可以消除掉所有可惜的人，所以还没遇到这个人的时候好好充实自己，这样遇到了就是认出来。

她丈夫是个默默无名的音乐人，样子普通。当时结婚消息传出，评论都是不看好的，毕竟差距在那里。

可是看了节目的人无一不说她嫁给了爱情，也嫁对了人。

我就在想，是不是真有这样的人，让你死心塌地、非他不可？

我的经验是大部分人都很能将就自己，只要不是三观不合、或是性格太突兀、相处起来没有太大问题然后外表样貌登对，几乎就已经是个happy ending了。

你以为大多数离婚的原因是出轨还是暴力？不是的，是生活琐事。

由此可见，这些人是不是因为社会压力、父母逼迫还是什么的而姑且和不是对的人结婚？所以这些所谓的“非他不可”的理论是成立的？

我也不知道了。

我的不自信

这样的日子里，我莫名觉得不安。

他明明问了我，要吃什么，要干嘛，你要什么今天都能做。

可是晚餐我只点了外卖，让自己在他睡着的时候饿肚子也不愿叫醒他。

我的不自信，是从什么时候开始的。

或许很小的时候我就觉得自己不值得这么好的。就像是去欧洲旅行我觉得是奢侈。就像是买好的手机和电脑，我觉得不值得。或许这样很好，我很可以接受廉价的物品也很能省钱，也不觉得委屈。

我真的不觉得委屈，只是心里觉得自己也不是那么好，用那么贵的干嘛。

所以我也接受了，要还钱的事实？也不觉得委屈……

我贪婪者想要多一点你的关怀，可能只是为了证明我是一个值得你付出的人。

又是因为钱呢

那么多年都没有狗血情节终于找上了我，结果还是因为钱呢。

我一直以为我是幸运的，我也很感谢这么接纳我的家人，可是原来是我高估了自己。

我搞不明白是哪里出错了，你们要把我想成这样的人。我省吃俭用，每个月都存钱，勤家持简，努力丰富自己的学识，然后做一个懂事的女人，是为了什么，结果只是一句我很高傲。

男人努力工作，成就高，就被赞扬吧？女人努力工作，成就高，就是高傲。

我彩礼也没要，过门要的什么习俗也没跟，床不用添置新的，连钻戒也没有。我就不知道我哪里要贪你家的便宜了？

我念心理学我就必须是神，没有情绪，不会难过是吧。

就算是被羞辱我还要笑着说谢谢吗。

重点是钱吗？

重点是我不被尊重，我的真心被践踏，我以为的一切都是假的。

开个价吧，我会还清的。

写作试水

她如无其事地挽着他的手，娇嗔述说着今天站了一天好累。可是她没有看到他的眼里都是双手的交缠，还有他脸上一抹潮红。

她说，我们是朋友啊，还无害地眨了眨双眼，然后笑呵呵地跑了。

他的视线跟随着她的倩影远去，嘴角的酒窝淹没在深深地失落中，眼里的星芒沉没在一片深海里。

然后，他眼底就再也不闪耀，因为她开始挽起别人的手，并声称对方是自己男友。要知道，让他期望的这么些日子里，她从来没有给过他一点名分。

委屈巴巴地像个流浪狗，因为他的主人不要他了，从此他的心无家可归。

然而他不知道，这么狗血的剧情里，还有另一个人的存在，一双专注清澈的眼睛把这一切都看在眼底。

这个她说，我喜欢你。那么自信那么光明磊落那么骄傲。

这个她说，你不喜欢我？无所谓，我会让你喜欢我的。

从那天起，她竭尽所能地靠近他，一边尊重他心里的感受一边换着法子只为了更了解他。或许这样，能够找回来他的心？

她会在夜里颤抖地拨通他的电话，一次两次三次，有时通了没通明天再拨。

日子久了，这个她开始力不从心，这么狗血的剧情连她也演不下去了。

然后，她叹了一口气转身走了，只留了一句，你会后悔的。

她走远了，他终于回过神来，淡淡地凝视着手机笃定她会再打来，可是手机再也没有那串号码的出现……

不是最好的我

同学聚会里，我以为我会在意的人我没有在意，反倒是让我怀念地以前的自己。

27岁的爱情里，我不会再为了一个人一句话一个动作或是一颦一笑而感伤心悦，很可能会因为我生病时的照顾，我害怕时的陪伴而感动。但是对方付出的程度已经变大，我才会记在心里面。

这和17岁的我是很不一样的。

只是可惜了，我17岁的时候没有遇上你。

就算是遇上了，可能也看不上对方吧，你是个适合结婚的人，不适合谈恋爱。

在我经历了那样的灭顶之灾之后，我的爱情观已经被重新定义。

我没有了17岁的隐忍，我喜欢单刀直入。
我没有了17岁的可爱，我连你开我玩笑都能真生气。
我没有了17岁爱人的细心，我绝对不会在夜里记录自己与对方的每一天。
我27岁了，我不会再为了谁等下去，也不会牺牲自己的步伐，
我的爱变得不纯粹，不现实的承诺我已经不会相信。

每每这样想着，我怀念起自己，以前的自己，懂得牺牲会隐忍的自己。

让你遇到这样的我，我其实觉得难过。我们甚至没有很深的认识，也没有太多回忆……

真是可惜了，你遇到了我，一个不是最好的我。

我的庆幸

这几天回到斗湖就不禁在想以前的事。27岁了，17岁中五毕业居然是十年前的事情了。我翻了十年前的部落格，一边赞叹着自己的文笔流畅，一边开启了回忆的宝盒。

然后收到了同学聚会的邀约。我在想，我为什么去年没有去。去年我是有空的，也是想去的，后来出于各种心里的推迟教唆而没有去了。我在逃避吗，如果是指逃避不开心的回忆，我想是的，我在逃避。

我知道，中六与我深交的人不多，我去了可能也觉得无聊。那些话题，不外乎是，你现在在哪儿工作，要结婚了吗，生意好吗。就如果我们够熟悉，为什么还会问这些问题。就是不够熟悉，才没有主动报备，所以才要聚会。可是我就是讨厌这样的聚会，尤其是人数多过十人的聚会。位子都是坐下就不会起来换位的，能说上话的只有两三个人。肯定有一边聊的特别有趣，另一边特别死沉。收到这样的通知，我都习惯地拒绝。

可是，因为这次的聚会，多了那么一两个让人难受的存在，我在怀疑自己是不是在逃避。

唉，我是记恨吧，也是小气吧。我只能说现在这么微不足道的人，当时足足让我难过了好几年。而我的价值观、行为甚至是道德观都因为他们改变了很多。

所以我不想看到他们，在明明知道他们会在的情况下，我还要去看到他们的嘴脸。

而这么伤害过我的人，其实是不在乎我的存在的。

后来，他说，你本来就不是喜欢这样场合的人，你为什么要去？你去了那里你又见到几个你想见的朋友？

我弱弱地说，对啊，大不了就约那几个朋友单独出来见面就好。

他说，也好。你有你自己的生活，为什么为了这个苦恼？

然后，我就释怀了。

或许我真的不是要逃避，只是我的性格已经不是爱逞强的小女孩，我懂得如何让自己快乐，也知道我的人生还有更重要值得我深思的事情，但绝对不是这件。

我是抽了哪条经，我需要去一个让自己不快乐的地方。

只是我有时候会后悔，我为什么曾经将自己交给这么糟糕的人，在我最好的岁月里。如果我是遇到了别人，故事会不会有什么不同。

我虽然对我现在的结局感到满意，只是可惜了十八岁的自己。

我一直在想，什么时候会遇到一个人，然后，确定自己要和他相伴一生。我其实觉得这么严肃的事情，应该要想很久，或是性格要很契合，还是生活习惯一致，家人也要很融洽才行。可能，还要经过几个错的才能遇到对的，有比较了你就知道自己适合怎样的。

我问了他这个问题。

他说，因为人是不会被满足的，遇到了喜欢的可以相处的好的，就在一起一辈子就好了。

其实或许他很多时候是白痴，刚说过的话就忘，隐喻的话听不懂，我欣赏的他嘲笑，可是隐隐约约地我觉得，他的爱情观真的很好。

我是对十八岁的自己感到可惜，但是不这样我又要怎么遇到他？

或许，这就是我一生的庆幸。