单身多好

我不必去担心什么时候被背叛，什么时候接到别人的电话来骂我，或是谁又和我通风报信说什么我需要通过第三者知道的事情。也不必在处理男朋友的事情时战战兢兢，和别人说话时面露愁色。我不必过这样的生活，每天每天，觉得自己觉快在悬崖边掉下去。

单身多好，你看。

可是，在冷的日子，发抖的身体，情人一个怀抱的体温总是比棉被来的暖。生病的时候，情人的照料总是比自己的倔强来的有效。看戏的时候你还是要一个伴，失落的时候需要别人凝听。

单身多好，我不知道。

今天去看了好久不见的朋友，一个许诺如果我需要他他一直都会在的朋友，旧朋友，老朋友。我们没有情绪激动没有流泪没有过度地描写他生前的轨迹，只是嘻嘻哈哈地闹了，问问看他有没有看到Steve Jobs，什么时候selfie给我们看。

我想，他一定在保佑我。

就算不是在我的身边陪伴，他一定在保护我，所以我遇到了这样的一个人。他说，上天说，祂已经玩腻了我，现在开始会有好日子。

我突然觉得有勇气去面对接下来的考验，我突然觉得不是的我的人生真的不糟糕，我突然觉得其实我一直很幸福。我是那种一转身就急着捂着伤口原谅别人的人，有朋友说她真是恨透我这种性格。可是没有办法，我是我。

我也说过，这就是我的性格，我的倔强，我不是圣人我没有办法轻易原谅，我也放不开，可是我无所谓。我没有办法在别人对我好的时候不削一顾，我做不到，没有办法。

如果我的性格使然，那么不要让外面的世界改变我，就让我这样下去。如果会受伤，就受伤吧，我经得起。

可是你说，不，不能受伤，你说你不允许。

可是你知道吗，我连一次背叛我都接受不了，一次，都不能。如果有了一次背叛，别来求我，我会心软然后原谅。如果背叛了，请离开。

你说的，我的心已经满是伤痕，我真的不知道，再来一次。

我，究竟能不能撑下去。

The me who loves Christmas

Over the 21 years of my life, I never like Christmas, not even for once. Somehow my birthday got forgotten thanks to this big event. I wish to have a special Christmas, not just stay at home while everyone else going to church or having party, I was actually hoping for someone to break this rule of staying home in Christmas night for me.

I thought I would have a better Christmas last year, when I was in Australia, a place where they really celebrate Christmas in a more Western way. But no, you see, I was arguing with my ex on the Gold Coast beach, crying and trying to walk away from him.

To be honest, I feel blessed. This year I had best Christmas celebration ever, in Tawau. Yea, you don't have to go that far to have a good Christmas when you are with right person. Any places will do, any celebrations will do, when you are besides someone who truly appreciate you.

Recently, things just go on too smoothly. My friends, my family even my relationship are going on so peacefully and this makes me feel so insecure. Somehow I think my dramatic life would never get this peaceful, so I am expecting something bad to happen next, and I am always ready of it. What will be next? Argument with family? Fail to get the grade I want? Or worse...? I wonder.

I was having so much fun in my Christmas eve. I think I do really love clubbing, it is just that I don't like socializing with strangers, I love those crazy things I did with my friends. Sometimes it is good to drink and let your prenatal lobe stop functioning for awhile, let go your rational and just be wild. But of course, I am not saying it is alright to have one night stand. Not that extend please.

Tonight I am having my birthday party. Yo, birthday party, I am getting nervous. I never host so many people before, and I have different gangs of friends, they might not have the same topics. But hey, it has been so long for my family to have a big celebration in house. I guess my parents would love to take charge of this and have some fun organizing party. 

Hope everything is alright tonight :D

但是不是现在

你说，好像只要一放手，我就会到很远的地方。

连我自己都不敢下担保说我不逃跑，越幸福越害怕，这种随时溜走的快乐。老是说，很抱歉我让你有这样的感觉，连我自己我都说服不了我怎么去保证什么？可是我不想让你受伤，我想让你一直快乐，我很害怕因为这样我自己又付出太多。我也很害怕因为我的不安让你太累。我的出现，对你来说是否是个错误？

我说，我的世界就好像一株小草，风吹雨打天生天养，我习惯了接受现实，防备心重，处处提放着危险，可你不一样。你的世界把你保护的太好，我很羡慕你，从里到外没有一丝杂念没有多少污染，真心诚意付出而不要留后路，这样的率真和冲劲我早已不复拥有。我说，把我硬拉进你的世界，你注定成长注定会痛会受伤。你居然说，多好，这样就能够进入我的世界了。

我说，我不是玻璃做的。真的，不用怕我疼，不用怕我辛苦，我多有能耐你不知道，我多认真你没看过。可是，你却牵着我的手说，不，对你来说我就是玻璃。坚强的人听不得软话，我差点就哭了出来。

曾经，我也牵着别人的手，觉得一辈子近在尺边。可惜计划赶不上变化，当一次又一次的谎言和嘲讽袭来，我的爱情脆弱得无懈可击。那个时候我恨，我想，我这辈子就这能再这样的牢笼中生存。的确，现在的我幸福得不真实，可是我害怕，我知道你不是他，你和他不一样，我知道他做的事情你也许不会这样做，我们要遇见的问题也不会一样，可是我害怕。

我不敢去想以后更加不想去算日子，不要期待什么反而更加快乐，我们都同意了。

可是亲爱的，给我多一点时间好吗？我会好好回报你，但是不是现在。

不要疯狂炽热的爱情

看回去，我不敢承认那是自己，过去的自己、卑微的自己、笨了的自己。那是一种变相的自残：不吃不喝、不想接触别人，那个时候，我真的想从十四楼跳下去。昨天晚上第一次承认了这样的自己，原来没有想象中难接受。我跑了出去，在澳洲人生地不熟的地方，跑在街上，头也不回。那个时候，我真的不知打要怎么面对你。我用头敲着墙壁，一下一下，心都敲碎了，你用力扯着我的头，那个时候，我看着你，然后问自己，究竟够了没有。究竟要什么时候，你说的幸福我才能够感受。

朋友说我很爱你。不，不是。我只是对爱情太过认真。

我自己知道，早在不知道什么时候，你的背叛你的骗话已经取代了爱情。我不甘心。我为疯狂的自己感到不甘心。因为，现在我再也没有那个勇气去描绘我和别人的未来。

是的，没有勇气没有力气没有办法。

我只是想念，那个自己。无畏无惧能付出能笑能去保护的自己。现在，还有很多人我想守护，也出现了值得我努力的对象，可笑的是，我不敢付出。我越给，我越怕。

我已经逃了很多次，我只是想好好认真。我不要一段疯狂炽热的爱情，那样真是燃烧殆尽了我们。可不是吗？我什么都给了你，自己都不剩。你恐怕不知道，我的健康现在受到了什么威胁，你是一个逃不掉的因素。

我需要互相灌溉的爱情。

最近，我开始笑了。我开始会因为别人的一句话睡不着了。我开始觉得我的身边有个人一直都在。可是，连夜噩梦的我是怎么回事？我多害怕失去，可是不舍得抓太紧，不舍得太依赖。

如果换个人，如果不是这样好的人出现，如果对方不是无私付出单纯害羞，我敢说我没有这样的胆量，再把自己押出去。是的，爱情就是有风险的赌局。如果，这一次没有到最后，我不知道我又要多受罪，才能让自己又有勇气。

如果我不勇敢

我能对别人有好感，感到敬仰，受到冲击，欣赏别人的可爱。可是，爱一个人，再和另一个人开始一段感情，慢慢去经营，我，恐怕要用很长一段时间。我不敢说我需要用一辈子，一辈子太长，太难下定论。

我想给，我想给的很多，我想不畏惧不害怕地去温暖别人的双手甚至是别人的心，让别人依靠让别人成长，对我感到自豪。可是我做不到。

我需要能够给我安全感能让我依赖的人，我承受不了再给予什么。

这样的认知卷席了我的每个知觉，刺激着每寸毛孔。我实在不想辜负别人。这三个月，我因为我的自私依赖了多少人我知道，不是每个人让我依赖一会儿都能潇洒地离去我知道。你说，我是不是害人不浅。

我真的没有力气，再去开始什么。

如果我不勇敢，有人会谅解吗？

是什么让我遇见这样的你

有朋友和我说，为什么好的男人都跑到我这里来，好吧，我把她的句子美化了，原来的版本是：“做么好的男人都死去你那里！”哈哈哈哈，原谅我的出卖宝贝，你说得出口我就写得出来。

好的，男人？哦，美女就是有一个坏处，他们觉得太多人追没有机会，所以没有去追。不要羡慕了，我只是没有那么美，所以别人觉得我好追。我知道你在想什么亲爱的，如果你在看这篇文你心里一定大骂什么鬼逻辑！哈哈哈哈，看在姐姐为了陪你而去看看过了的电影，你就不要抱怨了哈。

好好好，回到主题，好的男人，呃，男人，不算吧，男孩吧。

我是幸运的，幸运得我觉得我的运气会不会到结婚就用完，最后我结不了婚？哈哈哈，呃，开玩笑的。我只是觉得我看人还不错吧，应该，呱。所以前几任都没有背叛我，直到最近这任。所以他们都真心喜欢过我，至少没有玩弄我。所以他们至少努力，虽然不都是我先说分手，可是至少他们都后悔过让我走。哈，让我走的后果不想而知，我怎么可能回头？

我老实说，真的不知道这么糟糕的我，究竟是什么让你们喜欢上。不知道应该说你们笨，还是说我把我自己包装得太好。

我老实说不值得被对待得太好。

我说，你家地板有些油，明天你就赶忙地擦好了。我说，我想看电影，你就带我去看了。我说，我喝不下，你就帮我挡酒了。我说，要找就找Gamer的女朋友，你反问我是不是像我这样。我说，下次点餐不要让女生点，在韩国烤肉店你就点餐了。我试戴了耳机你不自觉说出我很好看。我说你的dota sets给我吧，你问我要哪套。我说如果我圣诞节接受你了，岂不是周年纪念和我的生日一起庆祝，我就亏了，你说你会分两天庆祝。我说想吃你煮的菜，第二天你就约我们了，还准备了一桌子的菜。我说我介绍你女朋友，你说没有兴趣。我说我没有车去机场，你就跳上了车。我说我回到家了有些情绪过涨，你说不要这样要不然你睡不好。我说的你都在听，然后做。这样好的人，我怕自己配不起。

你被保护得太好，说过了，我不忍心伤害你。这个世界不是像你的想象一样。而我需要别人保护我。你的思想成熟恐怕还没有我的一半。我若是将你拖进来我的世界你就注定接受这样复杂的我，复杂的人事，复杂的生活。我怕我害了你，如果后来我们没有走到最后，你会不会，从此不再相信爱情，就像现在的我。我没有那个自信让你幸福。也没有那个自信你能好好保护我并接受我。

我知道我自己幸运，可是更加是因为你好，所以我害怕。如果我也未接受这些人情世故，如果我也还单纯没有想法，如果我还不是这么复杂对一切抱有希望，我想我不会苦恼那么久。我从来没有相信过：“男人不坏女人不爱”的道理，我总觉得那是自找苦吃。这么好的人有些时候只能远观不能近赏。

我更加害怕，这是个过渡期，我只是想找人过时间不是真的喜欢上。如果这样那个时候你就是重伤了。我只是顾虑的事情太多。

被保护的你

是我自己想太多我知道，是我自己没有事情找事情来烦我知道，朋友昨晚就在说我，你你你，明明什么责任也没有，你为什么要介意呢？

这就是为什么我不能做个花花公主吧

Olaf from Frozen taught me something: "Some people are worth melting for."

老实说，这三个月，我听到情歌就反感，心里直骂bullshits。听到抒情歌就流泪，从心里流出来的那种。听不得情话，听下去就反胃想吐。我不夸张，我那个时候是草木皆兵。有一句话怎么说，一朝被蛇咬，十年怕草绳。我若真的拿个十年来怕，我还要不要结婚了？

颈上挂着二十一岁的金钥匙，我的路还有很长，不要太悲观了宝贝。

只能说，这样的时机我看清了很多人，逼得我太紧我会逃，没有任何表示的人我也不会主动去找。我只是觉得既然陪我不到最后，那也罢了。

我可能是太久没有被别人像女生对待，所以，稍微，感动了一下。真的，当我上不了机场失落不知所措的时候，有人和我说他正赶着上来，那种心意，你懂的。

我吹惯风雨晒惯太阳，不好听一点就是打不死的蟑螂。这样的我，怎么受得了别人的呵护。不是言语上的片面之词，是行为上的，好像……一道阳光吧，暖暖地洒在心上。这样的感觉。

所以我不明白，这样的你被保护得这么好，我若是打扰了我过意的去吗？我实在不忍心去破坏。这样的你好像唤起了我的良知，对啊，良知，找不到任何词来形容。

我太复杂。

要如何

回到这里，回到斗湖，回到我的家，要怎么不去难过，不去想起曾经的我们在这里生活过，那么多那么久，要怎么不想起哥哥姐姐们，要怎么去忽视父母的衰老。再一次在心里划下深深的印记，我要快点长大。

我想起一年前离开这里的时候，我的不舍我的心疼。我想起那个时候你载着我在我心情不好的时候载我出去买香草口味的冰激凌逗我让我咬让我打。我想起那个时候我最好的小姐姐离开我，那个时候我感叹为什么人能一转身就不见。我想起那段日子，和你Skype的每一天，和同事出去喝酒。我想起爸爸躺在沙发上连走路都痛，居然只有一个姐姐回来探望！我想起我喝醉哭了闹了我觉得整个世界都崩塌了，掏心掏肺地在别人面前痛哭，一点形象都没有，可是那个时候我还不知道你究竟有多少事情在骗我。我想起，我坐在床上，手里冒汗，拿着电话，你说，would you be my girlfriend?

回忆那么多那么痛，我要如何不难过……

我只能努力尝试去忽视，努力尝试不被影响，努力不哭忍住眼泪。

内心脆弱可是不想让别人知道，想哭可是不想显得懦弱。

我只能说自己幸运，这样的时候我遇到了真的对我好的人，我知道自己开始依赖，甚至可以说我知道我没有刻意控制自己。可是我怕啊，我怕我只是觉得你好，只是想有人疼我，不是真的准备好。这样不公平，你知道吗？

哭了就好，擦干眼泪就好。坚强点。

原来

其实我以为，伤心真的应该表现出来，哭、闹，就会比较好过。其实不然。我看过一个故事，有一只猴子受了伤，每当看到其他动物朋友，他都打开包扎好的伤口，说你看伤口很长呢，好痛呢。结果几个星期过去伤口没有痊愈，因为一直没有好好静静地疗伤，伤口怎么会好？

我其实没有多好，只是玩闹习惯了，玩笑习惯了，别人会以为其实我很好没事，可是伤口淋漓鲜血流淌要怎么展示人前？我不适应矫情的自己。

我其实幸运的很，在这样的时候，一直都遇到了照顾我的人。

真的很幸运，在我一次又一次逃掉了之后，总会有人留下，默默为我加油打气。我的倔强，被一次又一次的照顾化解，开始觉得被照顾是那么舒服舒心的事情。

我其实以为当我说起那些过去我会难过，其实不是不难过，我只是没有哭出来。那是一种痛，融入骨髓随着血液慢慢流动，一点一点侵蚀自己的心脏，直到麻痹。就像一根拔不出来的刺。其实静静笑着反而是最痛的。

我以为，我能够做到不再相信爱情，不怕伤害别人，可是其实我不能。我以为我能有勇气，去接受去想念去描绘无数次在心中想象的自己，但是结果徒劳。现实给我了洗礼，冲击太大，没有力气去反驳。

不能说我还有勇气去承受一次父母的反对，没有力气再去面对远距离的恋爱，经历不起别人的背叛，也无法接受别人的批评。我不知道这样的我，成熟了却失去了勇气，究竟是好不好。

喜欢这样的自己

喜欢自己要出去就出去，不会因为考试而耽误，更加不会因为外出而影响成绩。这是我要的自己，是我喜欢的自己。

之前说过，如果要找一些能够一直相处下去的朋友，首先在这群朋友面前你必须要喜欢这样的自己。你自己知道的，这些朋友比较虚伪做作，你也跟着戴上面具，或是那些朋友斤斤计较，你也对数字开始敏感。

所幸，我能找到一群在他们面前喜欢自己的朋友。

我们出去了，昨晚。明明我就还在final，后来从只是要看戏，去cc玩d2，吃宵夜，再在车上喝酒，就这样到了六点。六点，最迟回家的一次。有个刚认识的朋友要出国读书了，所以疯了一个晚上什么都不管什么都不顾，因为我们真的活在当下，就只是当下不想回家，所以没有回家。

我们，就是我们。

这样的日子多久没有试过了？工作的时候念着明天要上班，读书的时候又念着考试。这样的生活要去哪里找？

曾经的我，活得太认真，认真累了，我不想有这种生活。

是我太倔强还是太矫情，居然把心里难受的部分说了出来。其实我很累啊，可惜还需要累下去，因为我要过这样的生活，有点代价。因为从来不是不读书成绩就会好，我只是懂怎么分配时间。因为不是不出去就能有朋友，我只是知道在家里的房间里我更加的害怕。

需要承认

我以为我不会矫情，说自己受伤了需要靠一靠，至少在我常接触的朋友面前，我表现得冷静，恐怕大家以为我的伤口已经好了。其实不然，伤口很深，恐怕还在淌血，一点一点一滴一滴一串一串，没有停过。

我用了很多方法释怀，可是结果只是徒劳，我只是倦了想冷静，可是笨拙地不知道怎么样能够让自己好过一点。

当初的我，给了你这么多，多得我连自己都出卖，家人也不顾，现在我连自己都没有，看见别人我都在逃避。我执着于不能给别人一个完整的我，可是我忘了我应该找回我自己，才有余力去在意别人的感觉。

那样的我，爱了你那么久，久得我忘了过去的我是怎样的，究竟没有你的时候，我是怎么活着的。

我不爱你了，不是借口，我只是真的爱不起了。

不是我不想给，可以的话，我真想再来一次，再对你好一点，抱你紧一些，再说一次我爱你，再搂着你入睡，告诉你，你是你，要相信自己，不要害怕，要勇敢选择自己喜欢的，爱你自己的选的，好好坚持，不要被其他事情打扰，做你自己。

你知道，我恐怕这辈子再也不会爱别人。

就像刚在一起一个月的时候，我抱着你，说，就这样一辈子了，然后我哭了。因为我真心想着一辈子，再也不要去承受分手，就一辈子，怎么也打不走吵不散。

可是，事与愿违。

如果你没有骗我，我多不喜欢你的父母我都能忍，因为是你。就像你，明知道我多不喜欢你的父母，如果我没有干涉你的私隐，你也会忍，因为是我啊。

你知道我的底线，你走了过去，我再也不能忽视了。

只能说一声对不起，我没有坚持下去。对我自己对你，说抱歉，因为我忍受不了所以我离开了。我知道你很辛苦，一直都很辛苦，我和父母的压迫、功课，你已经很好。别人怎么说，我知道，你很好，我们没有缘分。

我，居然，能原谅你。

我一直以为我恨你，我以为我放不下你，可是已经到了一种地步，再不放开，我都要看不起我自己。我是应该放开你，放开自己，虽然很难，可是不知道该怎么做才好。

告诉我，用你的耐性和你的诚意告诉我要怎么放开过去。告诉我要怎么才让自己不对爱情感到反感害怕。告诉我这些眼泪要怎么停下来。自我堕落的我要怎么不自嘲。

女人，别醉在自己的幻想里。

不知道自己的肠胃什么时候才能适应酒，一喝酒就泻肚子，第二天没有宿醉可是就是要泻一泻，很无奈。

最近，我好像害人不浅。

有时，呆呆地看着手机，不知道要怎么回复，所以逃了，不想去想太复杂的事情，所以没有回复。这个解释很烂，可是我不知道我可以怎样，简单来说，我就是自私吧……

怎么了呢，我一向将就别人习惯了，无私习惯了，想自私了又怎样了？

就好像昨晚，我什么时候要别人帮我挡酒？第一次，我拍了拍朋友的手，喂帮我半杯。就好像上个星期，我什么时候要别人请我吃饭，第一次除了父母和男朋友，别人请我的时候我笑了笑，说谢谢。

你看，我其实不是那么大方，也没有那个肚量，可是我的这些小别扭谁会在意？

有人和我说我只是累了，其实我觉得自己没有这个资格说累，多得是人比我累，他们还撑着，他们还没有说累，我才年纪轻轻的，承受的压力就那么一丁点，我说累么？别笑话了，真的。

好像作了很长很长的梦，可是应该醒了。

就好像我的手机屏幕写的“女人，别醉在自己的幻想里。”。我不敢想得太多，不敢说自己有多重要，结果到最后自己的分量没有那么重，就成了一厢情愿的女人，多可耻啊。

锁链

“你这样和废人有什么两样？！”他拽着她的手，拉着她企图让她站起来，”你站起来啊！走啊！颓废在这里像什么一样！”

女孩静静将看向了男人暴走的脸，裙子本来就短，一拉一扯加上坐在地上的缘故而更短了，露出两双白藕般的腿，脚踝系着黑色细跟鞋，一圈一圈仿佛像是锁链一般，捆绑了她的自由。

“你说话啊！你就要这样坐在这里是不是！你知道这里很危险吗！”男人气急败坏，从一开始半哄半就地讨好她劝她回家，到后来才发觉这女人根本不把他放在眼里。

“你不要以为这样我就没有办法！”他咬了咬唇，用力地踢了她的腿，痛了就会醒了吧，痛了就会哭了，就不会这样了吧。

“啊——”女孩哀嚎一声，身体趴在地上，除此之外没有再做任何事。

“该死。”男人企图上前扶起女孩，却发现她根本动不了。腿上出现了鲜明的对比，白色的皮肤，紫黑色的淤青，究竟是用了多少力气，她居然没有掉下一滴眼泪。

男人将她横抱起，走向自己的公寓。

总该有点什么原因吧，才让她在这么失魂落魄的时候走到自己的公寓附近，在便利店的店面前捡到了她。

轻轻地将她放到了沙发上，他看着她的脸，双眼没有焦距只是静静地看着前方。是谁让她变得这样，是谁让她家破人亡，是谁让那个闪耀的璃玥远离了轨道，是谁让那个将自己的心思全无朝思暮想的女孩送到自己面前，是谁让她没了自尊没有骄傲收敛自己……想当初自己被她甩的时候她多一眼都不屑给予。

“我听说了，伯母的忧郁怔复发了，你现在这个样子你要怎么照顾她？”他的语气软了下来，牵着她的手，看着她的眼睛，慢慢地说。

“你说一句话好吗？”

“……借我钱吧。”由于长时间没有说话，女孩的声音沙哑而软弱。忽地，男人觉得自己眼眶湿润，她终于说话了，纵使这句话不是他预期内的。

“为什么？”

“弟弟的学费、妈妈的丧礼、爸爸生意上的债……”女孩浅浅地说。

“丧礼？！伯母……？”他没有继续说下去，一时半会不懂要怎么安慰她。

“所以借我钱吧。”

“条件呢？你如此过来和我借钱，可你什么都没有，你要怎么还？”

女孩仿佛没有预料这样的事情会发生，怔了怔看着他，轻轻叹了口气。

“你当初抛弃我的时候就没想过你有求我的一天？”

终于女孩眼里凝聚了泪，“我没有办法……如果妈妈没有自杀，我不用这样……”

男人没有说话，他需要把她逼哭，她太骄傲了，连哭都不肯。

“对不起，我打扰了。”女孩急急地站起，一把被男人推回沙发里，“你要来就要要走就走，你还没有问过我的批准呢！”

男人粗暴地吻她的颈脖，他知道她还是处女之身，对这些事情很抗拒，本来基于她的自尊她应该会哭，可是她没有，只是呆呆地盯着天花板，然后幽幽地说：“我卖我自己给你好了，我知道你还喜欢我，所以我还能卖的个好价钱，不像外面的那些有钱人，见得美女多了，凭我的姿色也赚不了多少。”

说完男人停止了动作，错愕地问：“你……将自己卖给了其他男人？”

“可是赚得不多。”

男人嚯的一声站起来，比起生气更多的是心疼，这女人真的疯了吧，居然将自己的处子给了别人，不是还有我在吗，我能给的更多更好，我可以真心对你，你怎么就这么笨……

突然他泪流满面，甩了门走向了卧室。

“是不是连你都嫌弃我了呢……”女孩轻轻地说。

这样的女生

朋友里，很少有多少个朋友把我照顾得很好，通常吧，女生嘛，别人会特别留心什么的，被请、被载、被保护，可是我都是相反的，都是我在照顾别人，然而我其实乐在其中。

我不喜欢懦弱需要别人照顾的感觉，是我自己不会用我是女生的优势吧。

曾经有人说，他尊重我，因为我不随便用我是女生的条件，所以我不会很麻烦照顾。我实在太御姐了，太坚强了，我还有什么需要照顾的地方？别人都这样说。

所以，我的弱点其实很好抓，如果你和我的相处够舒服，我就能让你照顾我，那就是致命伤。照顾我的人我都是在太感谢，太想报答，也有几分不好意思。然而如果我不习惯别人的关心，我就会逃得远远的。

能看到我真实的一面、软弱的一面，这样的朋友，不多，所以我很珍惜。

就算是看过我哭，下一次看到我，我还是会装。就算是安慰了我一次，下次我还是会说没关系。我是这样的人。

身边，其实有很多人，来来去去，可是我却选择逃跑了，我想一个人。

想听听自己是否还会心跳，还会勇敢，还会努力，如果不是为了别人而笑，我究竟还能不能为了自己笑，能不能去承受别人的关心，无私地付出。

我其实知道是我自己想得太多，多一阵子，我会恢复正常，我会看见现在我有多么无聊。可是现在的我不能，我还在想，还在自我陶醉。

其实我没事，我只是摔了下来痛了赖在地上不想起来，就不要让我起来，我自己冷静一下总会过去。

不要找我不要打听我不要关心我，我觉得自己的心里很空，谁都无以回报。

因为不管是谁，现在对我这个女生来说，都在不舒服的位子，你们不用照顾我。

死了

觉得心里透彻地死了，没了，不会再复活了。

我累了，伤了，不想继续了。

我开始讨厌我自己的不在乎，自己的善变，自己的伪装，然后又哭了。

我再也不能给了。

我只想自己一个人，因为只有这样，我的自尊属于我自己。

想说声对不起，现在的我那么不完整。

Meeting your ideal type

And this is over in one week.

I have meet my ideal type who is just like someone who walk out from my dream. We have almost the same thoughts, same direction, who agrees on how a relationship should go, who know my pain and how to drive me insane, just right.

It is not easy to meet your ideal type in real life, even if it is so brief but I am thankful for it.

But it is to hard to go easy on this one, since you are so insecure I am so sensitive, we just can't work this our. We both agree to go on a casual dating but end up putting more and more effort in and make things so complicated. I was so impressed by how much effort you put but I am afraid at the same time. I am not the one you want, I am not ready for anything, I just want a short break.

And soon you said you can't continue, you blamed me for not believing you.

So now, we are walking on different paths, still it would just be a beautiful memory for me, someone I got no chance to meet up but who is just perfect for me.

Now then I realize the song "Blank Space' suits the current me so well. When we check out for each other, I really have the thought "wow look at him, he is really my next mistake". And I got so curious what is the ending of us, ha, so now I know it.

Thank you and hoping the best for you.

我干嘛要往坑里跳

我只是喜欢，简单的生活，静静地享受这样的平静，累了有人让我靠，平时忙着功课，然后和死党一起去聊别人的坏话，叽叽咋咋的。

和人相处，最基本的就是，你应该喜欢和他们在一起的自己。这一点都做不到的话，我实在不喜欢勉强自己。

感情太复杂，疑心太重，或是把事情想太多的人，我不喜欢。

今天收到了一个学弟的电话，可我不喜欢他的处理方式，听他说话，我觉得累。我看到从前的自己，在乎别人的自己，迷失自己的自己，事实摆眼前却不要相信的自己。

我一直和自己说，不要丢脸，你可以先去找对方，因为失去了就真的不是丢不丢脸的问题。

记得吗，去年的这个时候，我放下我的自尊求你回来。后来，你回来了，可是那个一向自信一向坚强的我，走了。

为了取悦别人失去自己，我是有多笨真的做出这些事情。

天生不适合做花花公主的性格，感情什么的看太重，太容易受伤可是却喜欢付出。我干嘛要挖个坑往里跳？我明明知道我开始要认真，可是一直警告自己不能不能。

我是要有多糟糕，我是女生可我的防备心那么低，别人都在防备我了，我却还在这里想，没必要提防他。连我自己都想摇头。

爱，太累，我不想跳下去。

你要信不要信，随你，我不想争取。

最对的时间

要怎么开始说才能让我自己听起来不那么煽情，连我自己都开始自嘲，我怎么就变得骄纵了起来。

当我发现，他说的话，再也左右不了我的思绪，我觉得我逃出来了。

昨天去游泳了，可是说游泳吗，我们两个女的，简直就把游泳池当做我们的咖啡厅，小声说大声笑，直到夜都黑了，才勉勉强强游了两个圈。

我们一起说，这世界男的是怎么了，自私地想拥有，却自私地不肯付出。

她的结论是，她下一个遇到的人，就要好好地过一辈子，不要再分开。我的结论是，爱情这件事情太多负担，我不把真心交出去，大家玩玩就好。

不一样的结论，居然同样让人心疼。

她问我，我还爱着他吗，我说没有了。她问我为什么，我说折磨太久了，痛得够了，自自然然不爱了。

分手得真是好时机，我从十四岁开始依赖的那个人，他谈了四五年的感情也在同样的时间内没了，有那么巧吗，我甚至觉得这是一个机会，如果我们都能忘掉过去，这会是一个开始。可是，哪有那么简单，我根本不想开始什么事情，我根本没有准备。我想，但我做不到，我问他，要是我真的就和一个我不认识的人，开始一了段恋情，他会觉得可惜吗？他的回答至少温暖了我的心，他说你知道的。

这是玩笑吗，在最对的时间，或是可是说是最错的时间，遇到一个对的人。

这个人我想认真对待，直到那天我准备好了，认真对待的人，可惜不是现在。兜兜转转那么久，我们可能注定错过，我肯定还会后悔，可是我无能为力。

甚至有时候我在想我的运气是不是用完了，前几任将我保护得像公主一样，分手也把我的尊严保护得好好的。现在是该堕落了。

这个时候遇见了一个很危险的人，我从来没有有过这样的思想冲击。是的，我被他的野心他的梦想他的谈吐吸引。我不知道这是因为我第一次遇见这样的人，还是因为这样的人本来就是我的理想型，还是我遇见的人是他，在他面前我感到自卑。

我那个好强的性格，该死的被征服，老实说我很讨厌这种感觉。

还好的是，我的头脑还算清醒，虽然欣赏、虽然被吸引，可是我知道自己应该站在什么地方。我没有陷下去，因为对比实在太鲜明。

但是如果我开始控制不了自己，我会先离开的。

我不值得

我只是不值得拥有太好的事情。

你看，我知道自己在堕落，我知道自己在沉沦，我知道我就快要看不清自己的样子，可是我却由着自己如此下去。这种感觉很奇妙，我坐在了后头，双手抱胸，看着前方的自己掉入深渊，却没有冲上去的冲动，只是看着自己挣扎呐喊，一遍一遍地说着我会后悔的。

可我真的不知道我能怎么办，这颗被灼伤的心谁能治疗？

我不想被治愈，我不懂不能怎么样被救赎，我把真心对我好的人和有目的人分得很清楚。我知道什么人值得我用心什么人不值得。我看得很清楚。

看不清楚的不是别人，是我自己。

如果我不想被管谁能管得住我？如果病人没有意志力谁能让他痊愈？如果我想沉沦能有谁来阻止？

我老实说在等，在等时间过去伤口愈合，等待那个人后悔道歉说他错了，等待我能有能力不再悲伤勇敢去努力，等待我为了自己而活，不是为了满足别人，为了自己。

不就只是疯狂一次吗，何必那么在意……

那些日子（一）

那些日子，你我以兄弟对称，我们一起堆落叶、一起偷果子、一起在稻田里奔跑，把自己弄得到脏兮兮的然后一起被骂。

你说我是你的好哥哥，一辈子就算到死都会认我这个哥哥，我大笑说我们距离死还有很久。

后来，你和妈妈搬到了远方的小镇，你妈妈改嫁了，跟了个不错的男人。可他看了我们俩玩在了一块儿，他便不喜欢了，执拗着一定要搬走。

那年夏天，你穿上了那个时候罕有的裙子，你的样子那特别别扭，你将你珍藏的那颗弹珠交到我手中，你说我们的兄弟情谊永远不会变，调过头挥挥手就是道别了。

那个时候我就知道，我不知道从何开始我已经没心没肺地喜欢上你。

当时我的精神寄托就是每年的春节，你和你妈总会回来拜访外公外婆。每一次看到你，你总是会有不同的改变。直到妳十八岁的那年春节，听到你回来的消息我一如往常赶着回家。好久没有看见你，你留了长发，发丝透着香气，手里拽着我第一次看见的手机，我冲你了笑了笑，可你没有看我，眼里手里都忙着回复所谓的简讯，然后呵呵地笑。

我看到你眼里的雀跃，手机另一头应该是你喜欢的男生。

后来，你的外婆外公相继去世，我知道春节再也看不见你，那个时候我下了决定搬到你居住的城市工作。

还没等我去找你，我们已经碰面。地点很出乎意料地在医院，你双眼空洞地走着，甚至我向你打招呼你也没看见。“觅玥！”我喊你。

你怔了怔，转头看见是我，忽地你就扑在我身上哭了，一个劲地说怎么办怎么办。

当时我就慌了，深怕你有什么不测，但还得故作镇定。我让你坐了下来慢慢说，你收了收你的眼泪，说了简单的一句话，简单的让我把自己心碎的声音听得那么仔细：“哥，我怀孕了。”

当时的你，才二十岁。

“孩子爸爸知道吗？”我只好冷静。她摇了摇头，说：“我们分手了。”

“他必须要负责。”

“不可能的，哥，他……”她咬咬唇，低着头说：“他已经结婚了。”

又是你

你说你不回复我是理所当然，你没有义务，可是你却有时间上网回复朋友的留言。

你说你不懂你要怎么回我，可是别人敷衍的一句你却总是有想法。

你说你不想做坏人，可是你发现吗？你只是对我严苛。

你说你无所谓，可是你在等着她。

你说你怕我回不了头，究竟一心想和前任复合的人是你还是我。

你说直到你忘了她不要见面，可是我们本来就只是朋友，你会不会想太多了？

你说不要约束你因为我们只是朋友，可是我敏感不是一两天的事了，况且不是因为你我才敏感的。

你说不要拿你和他比较，可是你却能和我暧昧也和别人这样，这还有差吗？

你说你只是忙得没有看电话，我看你的在线的时间分明就是和别人在聊天。

你说你怕爱不上我，天知道我不需要你爱，没有爱更好，之后不会痛苦。

你说的全都有你的道理，分明是我看的太重，本来分不清界限的人就不只是我。

你说你不能照顾我是因为之前有女朋友，现在你说我还不是你女朋友。

你说的和我听的不一样，我只是要一段不负责任的感情，几个月就好，不需要你的这些认真。

到头来，心更加累了。

不要太坚强了

气匆匆地下了车，狠狠地踹了他的车门，“走！都走！我才不稀罕！你以为——”句子还没说完，宝蓝色的奥迪呼啸而去，剩下空气中的尘埃模糊了她的视线。

“去你的……”她喃喃地道。

这世界是怎么了，男人就这么肤浅了？都五年了，在一起都五年了他现在才来劈腿？还说什么真爱，得了吧，我不成全你们就我不对了？什么我不放手我们三个都辛苦，什么总要有人快乐？我去你的，老娘现在腻了不玩了不行了吗？去啊，去穿我的旧鞋，他肯定还会背叛你！

她恨恨地想着，气得直踹路边的树干。

夜已经沉了，那轮明媚的月亮也出来嘲笑着她和她那不堪的爱情。她不想一个人，于是进了酒吧，坐到了熟悉的吧台，没两分钟一排缤纷的试管酒就来了，她随手拿起了一支，血红得妖艳，一口干。

酒就是这么神奇，喝下去烈烈地，却让人变得诚实。

“倪倩你不要再喝了！”终于在她快没有意识的时候，那把熟悉的声音响起了，头还没有转过去，手中的酒就被男人一把扯开，突然失去重心的她摔在了吧台上。

“好慢啊。”她笑了，能够在这里并且够胆子拉开她手里的杯的人，只有他了。他来了，就好了。

“你究竟是喝了多少！”男人依然激动，究竟是酒吧里的音响太吵？还是他真的喊得那么大声，她的耳朵竟然有点疼。

“没多少啊，就一支Brandy，一排Test tube，霍少，你不是这样也要和我算吧？你付得起的！”

“走。”男人没有再啰嗦只是扯着她出去，这毕竟是他的店，应当留点面子。这疯女人又是怎么了，他接到酒保的电话马上就赶来了，吩咐过了不要再让她喝，结果还是徒劳。

她也不闹了，就乖乖地上车，然后眯着眼看着开车的他。

“有话就说。”男人好看的唇动了动，简单明了。

“我分手了。”

“嗯。”男人只是抿了抿嘴。

她似乎对他的反应不太满意，直了直身体，看了看前方的路。久久没有说话，突然间猛地起身凑近他的耳朵吼，“我说我分手了！！！”

他一把推开她，“你这样很危险！我在驾车！”

她大笑，“你什么时候变得这么认真？这不像你啊！”

“所以你到我店里闹就为了看我变得怎么样？你看到了，我很好，可以回家了。”

她看了看他，他真的变了吧，成熟了稳重了，他没有将她丢在人群里已经够让人惊讶。“我没有家，没有地方去。”

他没有回答，静静地开着车。她也没有再闹，静静地凝视窗外出神。

她知道他总会送她到安全的地方，他知道她只是要人陪。

他把她载到了自己家，领着她走到了卧室，从衣柜拿了棉被准备去客厅。“我可以问你问题吗？”她沙哑的声音响起，他转头望进了她的眼里，看到了她闪烁的眼神里满满不安和不知所措。这女人，原来在别的男人的卧室还是会紧张。

“当初为什么总是数落我，我要做什么你都不支持，为什么总是讽刺我小看我，为什么不体谅我一个人出来找工作不容易，为什么对我总是那么严厉……”她一口气说了出来。五年前的那些问题总该有个好的答案。

男人放下手中的被褥，前去摸了摸她的头。“因为我当时不懂女人，而你太过倔强。是我忽略了你的感受，对不起。”

还没说完的话已经湿润了她的双眸，他继续说：“不要太坚强了，不然全世界都会误会你没关系。”

Hurting my pride

And I am hurting myself again, slowly torture myself and see how long I can last. Let's just pretend you are okay and fake smile when people talks about him, your past, or your heart, just put a show and laugh over those sarcasm.

You are not in pain, not painful enough to let him go.

Yea, so, let's do this.

I thought I was alright, so I check on her, not him but her. Surprisingly I got affected by her, not him. Someone please come and tell me you guys are together now, so I can move on more quickly. Actually it should be painful enough to let go, since he did cheat on me, liking another girl while dating me, he ignored me, his mom disrespect me and my family. What is not enough to let go? But seriously, do I have to remind myself all these shits he did so I can move on? I have to tell myself he is a bastard that I have loved for 2 years so I can move on? There are surely some good points about him, but I just don't want to think in that way.

Just done my another quiz, I feel tired of studying.

I remember my mom did ask me do I want to skip one semester since I can't concentrate on my study, I should just say yes. I am living like a zombie now.

I got much better, but I am still sensitive over people who don't reply me after reading my message. Oh, talking about this. It is so funny, my friend go and take my phone to send him a message on fb, and I just realize it just now. He didn't reply, good, if he replies then it would be awkward. But my friend is dead by doing so.

Because I am still not okay. My friends are all busying suggesting me new guys, but I don't feel like starting anything. I feel like they are all the same. Why make it so complicated when it can be simple? If you like me then you would just reply me, you wouldn't lie, you will care if your text put a smile on my face. Don't blur the line. You don't have to act like him who likes another girl while dating me, there's no point.

Talk about the girl, I think too much on her post, yea, I guess I did. Seems like she thinks she might have fallen into a guy who take care of her when she was sick. She said he is being so patient. If the guy she mentioned is my ex, I wouldn't be surprised. He has all the patient in this world, and he is good in taking care of others, not himself, but others. When he wanted to woo me, it was during the time I was sick too. He got all the ways to get close to a girl if he wants.

Another friend of mine that I am close with told me he did chase her long time ago. And he never mention this to me before. We all know the girl and we did count on how many girls he was interested or chased before, and I then realized now, all the patterns of playboy are the same. I meet a playboy before, he only told me his exs that I know, but in fact he chased after so many girls that I don't know.

Judging only from this point, I should get rid of him. And I did, but it is still not complete yet.

I feel like whoever flirting with me is disgusting now. I see those as another strategies that they did on other girls, it is just they use it on me this time.

And I feel that there is nothing bad to be a playgirl. This is the results of suffering too much pain, but the one who cause me pain won't care this anymore. But I really wish to be one now, desperately. Even if I will regret one day.

他的心思不在你身上

我好了很多。

晚上不需要别人说晚安，做了噩梦醒来不会流泪，唱歌的时候没有歌需要回避，没有马上回复我不会在意，我甚至开始依赖起一个人的时间，为了我自己的而存在。

那天喝酒了，四个人喝了六个buckets，我们疯了、笑了，然后我是最清醒的那个，有时我在照顾别人，可是这次喝酒没有哭，第一次分手了喝酒没有掉泪，我笑了一个晚上，然后照顾了他们一个晚上，他们都吐了，都不能动了，可是第二天大家都和我说谢谢，多好。

被别人需要的感觉，真好。

我只是，像有人在这个时候告诉我，我做得很好，恢复得很好。可是没有。有人说，我不需要受这种苦去照顾别人，我不需要被别人需要而感觉存在，我自己需要自己。

他说得对，我的确不需要，我自己就需要我自己。

可是，让自己坚强、让自己强大、让别人依靠自己，有什么不好吗？我很好啊，我可以照顾好自己，这没有什么不好。

唯一不好的是我自己想太多了，是我自己给自己太多假象。其实不需要去在意的人，我去在意了。

要是他没有找你，就是他在忙，

要是他不忙，他就会找你，

如果他没有忙也没有找你，那就算了，他的心思不在你身上。

这是真的。我想，就因为你也是这样，我开始觉得这世界上的男生都是这样。不懂应该再鼓起勇气去相信，还是应该逃避。

我的退步

只想，过着不要听到他不要看到他的日子，
我却不知道这有如此之难，
像个鸵鸟，将自己埋在泥里，
只是对自己的部落格诚实，
活在这种分不清是梦亦是现实的时间里，
一日，如度一年之久。

朋友啊，
你们的关心我究竟该感谢还是谢绝，
你们一次次提醒我他已经不是我的，
却一次次让我觉得我不活在现实里，
我想逃，却逃不到，
他的名字充斥着我的生命，
一寸一寸，不留下一点空间让我透气。

在这种光是控制自己都吃力的日子，
不要来关心我，
过度的关心让我依赖，
甚至为此害怕颤抖，
你们总就要离开的，那就不要对我好。

你没有发现吗，
我的本性是溜，
你在爱我之前我不是将你让了出来，拱手相让吗，
不是我不够在意，我只是没有勇气，
那又为何等我下定决心你是一辈子的那个人，
然后将我推开？
你看不到吗，
现在的我，害怕你的一切消息。

I just have myself

One and half months, been trying so hard not to stalk you, and I didn't, congrats to me? But I looks at things that she posted. Your friend that I trusted the most. I guess I really dragged her in conflicts, I actually feel bad. I shouldn't ask her about you when we broke up. I shouldn't ask her to pass on msg. I should just shut myself in my own world and heal myself slowly.

She told me, that you like someone when you dated me. That is so heart-breaking and I realize you didn't change for these two and half years. Just the same when you cheated on your ex before me. I missed you so much but still I didn't want to find you, I will mock at myself and lose my ego if I find you.

There are so many hard times I have been through in this one and half months. I fight for them on my own. I am really alone now, you are really walking out of my life now. And these all seems like a dream. I still dream of you often, like twice in a week, and woke up in a bad mood. But I only got myself, I can't rely on anyone because I will end up being alone again. I know this.

I guess you won't pay attention to my blog so yea, I am speaking everything out from my heart here.

I don't know who to trust, not you, not your friend. Everyone is thinking like we are doing this to help each other, we are doing this to reduce the pain, we are doing this to avoid troubles. But hey, did you guys ever consider my feelings? You just leave, without giving explanation, yea, it is me who change your relationship status in fb, I pretend as you to ask your friend whether you cheated on me again. But it doesn't mean I am not expecting an explanation.

So now you know I know you liked another girl when you dated me, you don't give an explanation, your friend even remove me as friend in fb. Now what? everyone is avoiding me. And what? I annoyed you? Oh please, I am now crying my lungs out, but you know it, you know I am not that weak to accept facts, you can totally tell me I get you annoyed and you don't like me and then go. Like a man. You can totally clear out those conflicts before you leave.

You always know what I am thinking. I get pissed off then I ignored you, I get sad then I will find you, I am impulsive, bad in handling my temper and emotions, you know these. I just wanted your parents to respect me and my family, I just want you not to cheat on me or give me empty promises, I just want this. Yes I am sensitive and I don't know how to love you, because I never got cheated before, I don't know how to face you, whenever I look at your face I saw you sent her the msg saying : "I do" with a heart emoji.

I have gave you everything I can, Trust me this, I have tried every ways to make myself trust you, but it still ends up with lies. If you want to lie, then let me go. Don't lie, say you can't stand this and leave. Don't even reply and say you really can't stand this and leave.

And now, we broke up without any words. If you ever loved me, please, give an explanation on this. Why you want a break up why you seems alright after breaking up why you and your friend always telling me different things. Tell me?

No matter how much I cry I still don't get your attention, you guys are living so well. I just pity myself that cared so much. I did want to ask you all those whys, and get a reply. So I can move on. But, I don't think you will be replying? Then what for I ask? So I will pity myself again..?

或许

或许，你会遇到另一个人，然后开始一段新的恋情。有时甜蜜，有时难过，有时会想起我然后悄悄叹息。你的她可能爱你比你爱她多，可能你爱她比她爱你多。可能你们会分手，你们会结婚，你可能会再痛一次，你可能会幸福。

或许，你会留在了现在的地方，可能你的父母会过去和你一起住，可能他们会认为你长大了，成熟了，会留下一大笔钱让你创业。可能他们还是管你，只要你按照着他们的意思生活。可能你会妥协，可能你会反抗。

或许，你会后悔，为什么爱不起我还是执着不肯放手，看着我被你宠溺而骄纵，看着我堕落而沉沦，看着我活得自我陶醉。可能你早已抽身离开，可能你到最后还是放不下我。可能你现在在哭，可能你正在笑，又或者有了其他目标，用着她们离开我。就像从前一样，你还是可能不甘寂寞。

或许，回到了家乡，我们会相遇。我们可能会不说一句话，不打招呼，就像陌生人一样，就算心里有很多想法很多感觉，可是没有说出口。我们可能会大方地问一句，最近好吗，然后转身过自己的生活。我们可能会弄清楚当初我们的之间的错误纠纷，然后做朋友。

或许，我看见你的时候我会哭，可能我会伪装自己所以笑，可能我会不屑而调头就走。然后心里可能久久不能平息，心里也可能松了一口气。

或许，未来的我们，路那么不同，我们可能就到此为止，连相遇的机会也没有。

可是，我清楚地知道，没有一个或许，是我们能够再在一起。决定了，不后悔了，我们不能在一起。和你一起的快乐，看回去，就只是我自己的假象。你当初说的话，到最后，只有我自己遵守。那些回忆好像变成我一个人的。我从你身上，学到最为深刻的就是不要相信。不要相信任何一个人说的任何一句话，我已经没有爱一个人的资格。

Half Drunk

I was half drunk last night, yea, half not that drunk, I still can walked perfectly fine but I just kept laughing, laughing over bad jokes, laughing over my scar, laughing over a drunk friend who kept asking me to be happy.

I feel guilty, to be honest, for not being able to be happy.

I hide inside toilet to cry at first, but then end up tearing in public after my drunk friend called off my other female friend to take care of me. He was a cute brother that one can have, I love you as a brother.

To another younger brother who we tried to make him drunk, thank you for being there and not getting annoyed by me. Haha I was really having fun last night but too bad we didn't get you drunk, that was sad. And the birthday boy, you are supposed to get drunk last night since we were drinking for your birthday, but thank you that you teman me for supper even though I know you guys live far away. And two of my university friends who always be there when I am down. My house is far and have to ma fan you guys send me home because I insisted not to stay overnight at anyone's home. Thank you for taking care of me and my friend. And sincerely sorry for the troubles.

It wasn't that bad to get drunk once in a while, at least one thing is clear. I still know my limits and self-control. I didn't end up staying at someone else home or calling to talk to others, I didn't cry out loud I was still able to take care of my face. I have found my ego and myself back to me. So yea, it wasn't so bad. 

I still can't stop asking why, why this happen why that happen why always me. Just like when I was playing Dota I was like why only switch with my position and gamebang me??? I am so innocent lea. hahaha. But someone told me there will be reason but it is not important now.

As usual, when I drink I will have diarrhea, but it is just diarrhea, no headaches, no hangovers, which is really good. I still have another mid term later on in this Saturday, should be studying tonight.

Another thing is the habit of talking to others when I am drunk. How lucky am I to have friend who can spend time or wasting time with me. I know I can't ask for more, but thank you so much my friend, knowing you at this particular period of time is lucky.

Oh, another thing, I just woke up and was scrolling my fb with my blurred eyes, trying to add a guy who joined the drinking last night to thank him but I accidentally click send friend request to another person, my ex. How fascinating is it, so many people in the friend list but I only click on his. Since he has accepted it I won't delete it. It is just a coincidence just an accident, it is not like I am purposely doing this. And yea, when I look at his profile I feel nothing.

What really hurt me is another friend of his that I know, when I look at her profile I found out she remove me as friend. I guess maybe she just doesn't want to see any of my updates, since she is close to him, maybe she will be struggling to tell him my stuffs or not? Or in the past I was being too annoying to ask her about his stuffs? I don't want to make her suffer, but then since I added my ex back, then it should be alright for us to be friends on fb. So yea, trouble maker as me, I added her back. But the decision of accepting or not is up to her, I won't blame her.

Anyway, I feel that I value friendship over my relationship, it is just that relationship makes me give in more than a friendship. It is weird to give in a lot in a friendship right, it will be burdensome. So yea, I want to keep this friend, even if it means we will never meet up again.  

Wake me up when September ends

September is always worse for me. Two years ago it was death of my friend, then it was getting out from the comfort zone to a new environment last year, and now it is breaking up with the loved one. It becomes scary to have September in every year. And yes, I feel relief now September is ends.

After one month, it seems like we have really broke up for a long time. Our last movie was Feb this year, and I never thought the farewell in airport will be our last farewell. I am sure that when I am back to Tawau, we would meet up. Since we share mutual friends, same social circles, same hometown. Even if we don't plan to meet up we will still bump to each other one day. The question that I have been asking myself is, do I want to meet him up?

Now I have stopped stalking him for... 16 days. I am doing well in these 16 days. Of course, there are times where his name just pop out from fb, insta any social network I am using. But I didn't search for him intentionally. If you ask me did I put him down completely, that's why I am doing it with ease? I am not. I am just trying to protect myself from hurting. Checking him is painful, when I know he is doing well is killing me. What I am doing is just like running away from the problem.

I guess, I don't want to meet him up. Even for the rest of my life.

I am not sure if I can even smile at him. I hope he will be staying at Aus and don't have to come back. What a selfish me. But it is too painful to look at him, someone I have spent all of me loving. Yes, all of me, this reminds me of a song, the song from John Legend. We used to sing the song in car with the fm, we promised each other we will use all of ourselves to love each other, we will accept all the flaws. I have to admit I didn't do that, I can't endure all the pains he gave me, but at least, I have gave him all of me, a me in whole.

It is still fascinating to realize that I am actually crying for him. I guess I haven't been crying for past a week, at least not for this matter. But now I am crying, I thought I would at least able to not to cry when mentioning him. Anyway, Tsen Mung Khie you are doing fine, at least you are okay in front of friends and parents, you didn't mention his name to them for a long time. Keep it up Karen, keep it up.

I think it is time to take care of my health. I kept having hard time in falling asleep and even if I fall asleep, I would have countless of nightmares. I am not sure if I was too busy in studies or there is other factors that is affecting my sleep, but I know I should pay attention on this.

我的精神支柱

亲爱的少女时代，真正成为你们的粉丝只有一年，真的，就是这个发生最多事情的一年里。

刚刚来到KL的时候，什么都没有，没有车没有朋友，只能在家上网。那个时候开始注意Kpop，后来不知道怎么了，开始注意少时。

我觉得，你们很坚强，什么组合都没有给我这种感觉，因为七年了，你们出道七年却没有一个成员离开，还是一样九个。

女生嘛，肯定的，会嫉妒会抱怨会累，可是你们都熬过来了。都七年了。你们还是GG。

在那些很难过的时候，我会听你们的歌，一遍一遍告诉自己，看看这些和你几乎同年的人，她们都还没有放弃，她们的日子比你更加难过，那就不要放弃。

比起欣赏她们的才华，她们的表演，她们的外表。我更加喜欢她们的故事，背后的种种，还有很多很多的友情。她们，就真的像一家人。

肯定还有我不知道的故事，可是，都没有人退出。

但是这次例外了。

Jessica，其中一个主唱，退出了。其实，我没有抱怨没有什么特别想说的话，毕竟七年了，这种日子不好过。我其实更希望她们有她们自己的生活，我希望她们能够快乐，无论是以少时之名，还是以自己的身份。都应该快乐。

可是我敢说的是，这么多的成员中，当然不只是她一个人想离开，当然还是有其他人感到很气愤很不公很想逃跑。可是大家都没有。就是因为这份情谊，而没有离开。我无法指责她的离开，可是我却不禁不舍，这样的情谊，断了，没了。

我突然觉得这样的精神支柱没了，好像被催坏了。

少女时代再也不是我爱的少女时代。

好像在我最糟糕的时间点，连续发生更加糟糕的事情。

好朋友

有一种朋友，好像比朋友来得多一点，却比爱人少一点，我们管它叫蓝颜知己。

六年的朋友，两年的情侣，一辈子的陌生人。

如果，那个时候我再多考虑，或许后来的事情都不会发生。我真的想，什么都没有发生，那么我们可以做一辈子的朋友，或是一辈子的蓝颜知己。

我和你，没有激情没有澎湃，有的是漫漫的陪伴和关怀。我们就是这样开始的吧。

我却不懂，没有自制力的我究竟是做对了吗？我们快乐过，可是我却没有想过终剧居然是陌生人。我们在一起前说好的，如果我们分手了，要做朋友，不要恨对方，因为爱过。

已经，一个月。

这一个月没有你的生活，原来，我还能走下去。原来，我还在呼吸。原来，我还会吃饭睡觉。我还可以考试读书温习。我还可以和朋友出去说说话，哭一哭。我还可以为了让父母不担心假装我很好。我还能坚强。

我，那个还没有经历这一切风浪的我，好像回来了。

因为你之前认识的曾梦琦回来了，我恨不起你了。你知道的，无论发生什么事，到头来我还是急着原谅，还有抱怨自己。是的，我能放下对你的恨了。你呢？过得好吗，我的朋友？

某些方面吧，我还是变了。我了解到，不是有感觉就一定要做情侣，不是喜欢就需要披荆斩棘而在一起，不是说爱了所有承诺就需要兑现。人不能总是无私，总是要留一些爱给自己，自私一点。

没有人会记得你的伟大，所以要残忍一点。

如果再来一次，我们不要做情人，爱情太不可靠。

全家福

全家福，一张一张的，多好，真好。

渴望着一个家的我，渴望着一个完整的家的父母，今天，心情应该很沉重。

有一些事情，多努力都好，多在乎都好，如果只是一厢情愿，又有什么办法。放手吧，别再想下去了亲爱的。因为，你看，你流了好多眼泪可是没有人看见啊，你还是一个人的呀。不是你自己说的吗，有父母就好了，有一群像家人的朋友就够了，别再去想了。

可是好难过。

七个哥哥姐姐，他们聚在了一起，今天，是姐姐的婚礼。

可是我不在相片里，我不在。

我看见了很多年不见的你们，我看到了很多年前你们的笑容，没有我，没有我妈妈，没有爸爸，你们是如此快乐。

从小觉得自己多余，那么突兀。从小被你们讨厌可是不知道原因。后来知道了，也只是理所当然地接受。从出生起就好像低你们一级。渴望被别人接纳吧，我想我真的很努力。想要有你们的注意，你们的关心，那个时候我很调皮，就是很想和你们混在一起。

直到中五我还天真的以为，我们会像拍戏一样，大家会和好，会坐在一起吃饭，会说话会笑，我真的以为……可是后来……后来我自己也没有信心。

是谁说呢，情人是从陌生人再变回陌生人，家人居然也会这样。

我和你们，就好像陌生人一样，不是吧，路过的人好歹也会说，恭喜你结婚啊，我却没有那个勇气。你的号码明明存在了我的手机里，可是我不确定，我的号码又在不在你的手机里。

那是属于你们的全家福。

没有我的位置。

就这样吧

“当你选择相信一个人之后，可是真相却不是你所想象的那个情况的时候，你不能怪谁。真的，我学习到了，这是自己的问题，不是他们的问题。

可是在不断的道歉及弥补之后，你会发现，你的心已经回不到最可靠的时候。你还是可以再次相信那个人，可是已经不是那么多了。你不能再去负荷同样的失去，一个人总不会让自己在同一个地方跌倒两次。

在这种时候，不要将自己埋在框框里，走出来。请走出来。否则你会很辛苦。
如果不断相信是我的性格，那么在相信那么多人之后总会有人让我失望，那么我总是会受伤，那么这就是我的命运。

如果跌到了我还是学不会教训，那么这就是我的问题。

如果我就是要埋在自己的框框里辛苦自己，那么这就是我的下场。

是我自己走不出来，是我抓太紧，这从来就不是你们的问题。

你们。”


早在两年前我写下了这一段。现在发现其实我真的没变。我没有学聪明，没有变的更加精打细算，我还是那个我，想相信的话就会相信的我。我没有逃避，直到最后，我还是觉得这些都不是他的问题，都是我的，因为我没有学会保护自己。

可是，难道不能吗？

难道选择不断去相信也有问题？我只是喜欢这样的自己，不需要伪装什么。我喜欢待在我喜欢的人身边，我喜欢去相信这个世界不是那么冷血无情，我喜欢不要太现实。连朋友家人爱人都要防备那么是不是太累了？

我的生活，是因为身边的人维持下来。而我的存在，也支持着别人的生活。我们的生命本来就息息相关，本来，我们就分不开。那为什么要让自己寂寞？为什么拒绝相信？

究竟是我太天真？还是你们太残忍？

I don't wanna be your hero

And I dream of you just now, I am not sure what got us start talking and you invited me to your place for some cookies or hot drinks. It was raining. When you were preparing the snacks I was browsing around your house, checking all the little decor. We were talking, laughing like good friends. And your mom broke in, shouting at me asking me to get out. I wore my angers and shouted back with teary eyes. You tried to hold her so she won't step forward to hurt me, but she was out of control. I stared at her, looking straight into her eyes. The only sentence I remembered is "You know what? After this guy (then point at you), I won't be able to trust any other guy." as my tears falling down I continued, "You and your son will definitely be regret one day, for treating me like this."

And I woke up, in a very bad mood.

Yes, you guys will be regret of this, but I am not saying I will plan on revenge or anything. It just that after years when you guys look back, you guys should know this is wrong to get rid of a girl in that way. It's actually alright to let me go, you know? I have told you that if you are struggling between me and your parents, then just choose your parents. You only have one parents, but you still can have other girl as your wife. I have told you, if you are leaving me because of this I wouldn't blame you.

And I have found this song through a kdrama named "It's Okay, That's Love" this is so far my favorite kdrama by this year. And this OST touches my heart. This is special as we seldom have English song in kdrama.

I thought of you when I listen to it. It even fits our situations. You see, imagine you are the guy who is singing this song, who says you want me to let you go as you need to chase your dream. I can't help but feel guilty.

Back then I was too controlling. Guess it is the results of your betrayal and I have lose the sense of security in this relationship. From that time on, I don't know how to love. I was too sensitive and anxious, I can say I don't develop any trust on you no matter how hard I have tried. All the plans are ruined, you just can't make it but still I believe you should do it in my way.

You are just a kid, not a hero that I want.

And now, you are free to fight for yourself, maybe you are still under your parents' control, but at least not me. I wish, you would be free from their wish, hope or any expectation. I know they are too much. You just don't live as your own self but it is more to a puppet. This is what I see from my point of view. No offense please.

Perhaps I couldn't forgive your parents, I don't think I will ever put down. However, I wish you the best in persuading your dream.

To the bride

It has been so long from I last saw you, bet I was still studying in my secondary school, I am not sure if it is Form 3 or Form 4? It was just an ordinary day, but you have disappeared from my life. That's the road you choose, I have no right to blame you, you were already an adult back then.

We shared the same horoscope, I remembered you didn't have many friends to share your problems, I was the one who listen to you and asked you whether you are okay or not. You cried countless times in front of me. You just didn't know what to do I guess.

I asked you to be strong and leave the bastard, but you are just soft heart like I do and you get back to him again and again. Guess this is the reason you leave our house to forget all the pain here.

But you forget about us too, both me and my parents.

I have actually used to it. How many of you guys actually inform me when you guys leave this house. There were 10 people lived in this house when we moved in when I was just 2. But now there are only 3 people.

I only get to see you through fb, I can't attend your wedding. Dad is not joining too. Are you happy? A wedding without the blessing from family? Or actually you don't take us as a part of your family..? I wonder.

I can't recognize you. I zoom in the photo and stare at it for seconds but I still cannot recognize you. Perhaps we haven't meet up for too long.

To the bride, I hope you are happy, I hope you can welcome your baby safely, I hope your husband loves you, I hope you can still remember you have this little sister who still cares about you.

宣泄

21天了，我好像宣泄得不够。

我还没有喝醉还没有变坏还没有不读书不去考试，我还没有宣泄出来，我累了。

当了好好学生那么久，好的成绩、好的Cert、好的印象。我是那么乖，我是那么听话，我是别人眼中的乖乖女。可是我累了。我不想当了行不行？

我不想上课，不想一个人，不想伪装说我还可以我能努力，我不想回家，不想听话。我想使坏。

我想，去玩。

玩吧，感情这种东西，那么认真干嘛呢，我们又不是要结婚的年龄，大家年轻有什么不可以？我的心只是空了，可是它只能装下空气呢，谁能来闯开这扇门，告诉我，“喂，别难过了我还在这呢”

我有很多朋友，我想只有他们能稍微减轻我的痛苦，可是不是全部。

我的确依赖他们了，太依赖，连我自己都觉得自己烦。我想，把自己所在房里，不要出去，不要去看不要去听，好好颓废自己。好想好想。我不想去烦身边的朋友，我自己都觉得自己在利用他们，他们的陪伴、他们的笑声，而我不知道，他们究竟有没有因为我感到很累。就算我问他们，没有人会当面告诉我他们觉得我烦吧。

是一群好的朋友，我不能这样下去，我不想失去他们。

可是我怎么办呢，我空了的心怎么办，没有了感情的心怎么办，想叛逆的我怎么办，想逃离现实的我，怎么办……

我想变坏，然后等一个人要告诉我，不要再坏了，你不值得。

总觉得这样结束了这段感情，我有点对不起自己。

19 days

I have made a promise to myself that I want to get rid of all these after 21 days. What I mean is to stop stalking and stop crying in front of friends. It is now 19th, today is supposed to be 28th monthsary, but no more, nothing is left.

I should be thankful for friends who stay besides me, who trust me, who know my pain. Here, I have to apologize if I was sensitive in the past 19 days, I am sorry if I have done something that hurt feelings. I just don't really think before I say something. Sorry, I am sincere.

19 days, I feel like this has been a year long, long enough to kill me. I don't even dare to fall asleep. When you and your mom appear in my dream, I woke up and found myself crying. 2 years and 4 months is not just a dream.

As what I have said in past, I don't have to hide my feelings. I am going to say this, yes, I miss you, everyday every moment every single minute. But I just can't find you, because you won't reply. I have no one to ask if you are doing well, because your friends wouldn't reply me as well.

I feel the pain when I know you are doing well, but at the same time I feel relief, since you are doing well, maybe it is not that painful for you. That's something I should be happy with, at least this decision is not a wrong decision. Someone have to be happy isn't it?

I told my mom I said I regret starting this relationship, my mom told me there's nothing to be regret of, because you choose it, you should be thankful you have this chance to feel the pain so you won't do the same mistake again. Maybe yes, maybe no. But if I have to admit I am not regret, then I will be suffer. Because, if I don't make myself hate you, I don't know how should I survive through this. I could only tell myself you are just an asshole who cheated me again and again. So I won't think that I have let you go. This sounds like an excuse, but this is true.

After all, thanks for the effort, thanks for the time you have spent, thanks for saving me from despair, thanks for telling me everyone is deserved to be love, thanks for the vanilla ice cream and the little Patrick, thanks for fighting for me, thanks for holding my hand when I am falling, thanks for loving me for who I am, thanks for accepting all the bad sides of me, thanks for everything.

But, Lister, can I not to see your post or anything? I am suffering, so much. I don't know if you really feel nothing so there's not even one post is dedicating to me, but I am suffering.

They said, independent girl doesn't trust easily, but once they rely on one person, then they will really stick to that person. Yes, this is me. 2 years and 4 months, I have be putting my whole self onto you. I lived my life depend on you. That's why I feel that I can't live on now.

Psychologist said if you want to use to a habit, you need at least 21 days. So I tell myself I should have feel better after 21 days. But, I am not feeling any better. As I keep on discovering new lies, as I keep on stalking you and find that you seems alright, as you and your friends seems to misunderstand me, as everything in my room keep remind me of you, I don't feel any better even if the time pass.

I wish you were here to embrace me tell me, sorry you lied on me. Tell me, it's okay we can be friends. Tell me, you wish me the best so I should move on. Tell me, it's alright to be alone because I am Tsen Mung Khie. Tell me, thank you for the time I spent on you. But you are not saying a thing, not a text, not a call, not a post. Nothing.

I am just tired.

If you are not

If you are not cheating on me, if it is just parent problems, no matter how hard is it, I would find thousands reasons to get back to you. Even though small part of the rational me say we have no future, but the large part of emotional me say we should try harder.

I have the thought of making you my last guy, do you know that?

It just turn out you are a liar, it just turn out you are still as flirty as the time I just known you, and that is what I cannot stand.

It has been so many times, big lies, small lies, good lies, bad lies... They didn't start 9 months ago, you first cheated on me at last day of October 2012, at which we had only been together half year.

I am that ego, and this egoistic girl is willing to lower down my partner's standard of not lying for you. I became sensitive and insecure, and I am not longer the Tsen Mung Khie in high school.

Breaking up with you is painful but in the same time I feel relief. We, finally, break up. Both of us finally free from torturing each other, I finally don't have to think of your parents, you finally can hang out with friends without hiding it. I finally don't have to worry for your empty promises, you finally don't have to get scolded by parents for dating me. We are finally free, and empty.

Yes, I should thank you for cheating, ignoring, and acting like you don't give a shit. If you insist to find me I would fall back into you again and all the tortures come again. You do until every very extend even deleted all the photos all the memories we had. That is good, because I always keep it. I always holding on memories but since you let them go so easily then I think I can do it. And I did.

It is painful.

When the one you believe he won't walk away from your life finally make his move, this is so painful. I don't hide my feelings I don't have to act like I am not sad, even though you are an asshole of cheating me but I guess you did put in a lot of effort to maintain this relationship. Yet I won't wish you the best, I just can't. Not yet.

Because I am still so angry of finding all the truths and realizing you are actually doing fine, at least better than me.

My phone become so silent. When I am having quiz no one come to say jia you to me. When I am going to sleep no one say sayang to me. When I am having lunch no one say eat full full yea. Or when I am not in a good mood no one say you still have me.

I am not cold-blooded, I am just a human. I seriously don't have to hide my feelings. They say I should not show any emotions in fb or in blog, I should just move on. Yea, I should, but it is not like these 2 years I was in a dream, even if it is, this dream is a bit too long.

You are not like that when we first dated, you are not like that when you just reached Brisbane, you were not like what you are now.

Same goes to me. I was not like what I am now.

If you are not cheating, I might wait for you maybe for years, I don't know. Now I have nothing to wait, because you cheated on me, too many times.

Am I that good to be lied?

So, now I know you have been lying for so long, so long even last year the concert of Muse is a lie too. You went with her right? You said she is just a friend, she said she won't fall for you. But now you guys went out every night, texting calling, even don't reply me and ignore me together.

Does she even know how hard I have tried to move on? I am doing so well today but then why, you know I follow your insta, why you want to post a photo of him?

It has been so long I ask him to wear a shirt, not a T-shirt or a polo-T but a nice shirt. He wore it in that picture, purple in color, you guys went out for dinner and desert and played poker right?

My stalker level has upgraded until I don't think any of others can pro than me. But I quit it today. I have decided not to stalk you guys but now, you see. You purposely showing off in fb, in insta, posting a photo of birthday gift from her.

You feel loved? Is it? Then that's it. They are all lies. Such an asshole.

What? So long-distance will surely make people fall out of love? Hey I didn't, but you do! Don't lie don't cheat because now I am not important to you. Lister you are such a liar.

This is so unfair.

Nothing is left

No, nothing is left, I know nothing and I can do nothing. I have tried my best and that's it, this is all I can give and it is your limit too. You had your birthday celebration in club last night, you only go home at 4. I know everything Lister, you had fun and I am sad, I can't even know what to do, everything is a mess.

I tried to find you clarify things, you don't even reply. Do you need me to remind you? You forget to change your cover photo, your profile picture in viber, in skype, and you forget to unpair in Between and Couple. Lister, do all these, do all these so I will leave you even faster.

Now your friends don't even update me with your situation, I cannot get any information from you, but why should I do all these since we won't be together again, you have already moved on before me. Nothing can be returned.

I am gonna pass this process and be alright. I will be alright.

No again you are wrong

You think that you should get pissed off when I used your account to change your profile picture to your single photo and your relationship status to single is offending you? No Lister, who is more offending? How many times I got angry because you cheat on me? And you are still doing the same and claiming you love me, you will chase me back and things like that. You love me by endlessly cheating me? Are you serious?

You think that you are supposed to get be angry when I login your account to ask your friend? Lister, if I wait you wake up and ask you, what would be happened? More excuses? More lies? More stories? More coincidence? Lister I have had enough of them, give me a reason why should I let you explain everything? When your explanation will just be another lie?

You think you have tried your best for me. No Lister you didn't. You just choose to tell me things you want me to know. If you can't keep your lie forever please don't tell it, I have told you many times if I found out myself I would be angry. I have gave you so many chances so you will stop cheating, but you won't stop it. You just keep cheating and still thinking it is for my good sake.

You think you suffered the most from this relationship but still you are holding on? No Lister, if I am the one who insult your parents, ignored you, betrayed you, cheated on you, you think you still can stand until now? I believe we both suffer equal amount of hurting, there is no who suffer more.

You think I challenged your privacy? Hey Lister, I am doing it on purpose to piss you off. Why? I want you to leave me, to live your life, to be a filial son, a good student and just be yourself Lister. We both suffered too much until I don't live as Tsen Mung Khie now, I just feel she died, now she is struggling to be revive again and I don't see any signs of you going through this process. You changed all your profile picture in one day, to get rid of me, posting unrelated posts, wishing others happy birthday, but what about me Lister? You just live your life well, and yet, I have problems eating even sleeping here like an idiot.

You think you should lie so I won't leave you? Truths are just truths, it won't change. You out with a girl that I will get jealous is a truth, you purposely deleted her message is a truth, you hide all the coincidences from me is a truth, all these won't change. You are hiding them from me so I won't get jealous and leave you, no Lister, you are just trying to save troubles from argument.

You think you promise your mom you should break me off before your birthday is a good choice? Yes it will be a good choice if you tell me beforehand so I have preparation. I just wonder why if this is true you still not spending more time on me but yet you lied me and you went out. You said you have hurt your lower back and can't move so didn't find me. But the next day you woke up early for barista course without telling me you are going. But you lied me instead. What are you going to do if this is your last time with me before birthday? Trying to make me have a very bad last image of you cheating me is it?

You put me down too easily when I really summoned up a lot of courage blocking you, you just put me down not even asking me why. You will say I've blocked you everywhere how are you supposed to find me, but sorry Lister, it is not everywhere, you still have a lot of ways to find me if you want but you just don't. You just got pissed off, you just think I am the bad one, you just think you are the only victim. You said you love me but you just let me go when I let you go, no hold back, no anything. I am pretty sure you are tired of this relationship, but you said... until I got married you would still wait for me. But you didn't.

Again, you are wrong, you think all the way you don't express yourself is a fucking good idea so I won't feel stress? But you just simply turn away and walk away from my life.

I still miss you, I can admit it and say so, but do you give a fuck on it?

远距离的恋爱

远距离的恋爱，让你开始习惯时差，把自己的生活习惯改变就为了多腾出一些时间给对方。

远距离的恋爱，刚分开的时候好像回到了热恋，之后迎接的是一方的冷落、一方的等待。

远距离的恋爱，为了不让对方担心而开始说着善意的谎言，只是每当被发现，那些信任渐渐冷却。

远距离的恋爱，经不起瞒骗、经不起冷漠，需要的是信任和耐性，还有沟通。

远距离的恋爱，后来开始越来越习惯，习惯得忘了对方肩膀的宽度、身上的味道、手中的温度。

远距离的恋爱，吵起架来开不见对方的表情，不知道究竟对方的表情多心痛，自己说的话多伤人。

远距离的恋爱，只要冷战什么都完了，心里想冲到对方的面前紧紧抱着她、呵护她，可是她不接电话你永远剩下的只有耐性。

远距离的恋爱，她的朋友变成你的依赖，心里担心憋得忍不住的时候就去找他的朋友，这种时候觉得自己好渺小。

远距离的恋爱，让我觉得你突然变了个人，习惯变了、口气不同了、态度也不一样了，我好像在和陌生人谈恋爱。

远距离的恋爱，开始找不到话题，除了吃饭睡觉天气，我们没有同样的社交圈子。

远距离的恋爱，原来分手了不是什么事都没有，至少我觉得心里空了、大得我说话都有回音。

远距离的恋爱，我多想让你知道我有多痛、多么辛苦，这段路我的信任和期望全部崩溃，站也站不起来的我却没有得到你的关心。

远距离的恋爱，我以为你爱我多一点，我比你自私一点，所以我不想痛了，我放手了。可是虽然放手是我说的，做得出来的人居然是你。

远距离的恋爱，多希望我们之间的问题就只是距离，那么我能够等待……可是，我们注定要分开。没有第二个选项。

这场恋爱，我多希望你能让我相信你说的话，至少我知道我并不是笨蛋。

迟来的懦弱

从小到大，没有什么崩溃的时候，给太多人的印象就是很坚强、很成熟、很理智，要不然就是太认真。好吧，至今为止我还是被标记成这几个样子。但是我开始觉得，我不像那样的我了。

我开始依赖然后开始觉得“怎么了？我就是懦弱了想哭了，就是想闹了变成小孩子了，你们要那我怎么办？总不能防着我不管了吧？”

可能真的有点久了，心累了不想撑了，然后发现其实身边有很多人疼爱我、支持我，甚至也以为了我担心和焦虑，我想我是不是可以松懈了，我是不是可以不坚强了？

也更加是因为和父母的关系更加融洽了，出来读书了之后很想回去，喜欢在家里。可不是吗，斗湖这个小镇有什么娱乐？不就是一个电影院、一些茶室，还有唱K和跑步的公园？像样的Shopping mall都没有。可是我的朋友我的家人知道我的过去陪着我走过20年的人都在这里。我怎么能不喜欢这个地方？

我就好像一只流浪猫，习惯了风雨习惯了挨饿，突然有了一个家，有人疼、有人照顾、有人喂饱的公主一样。突然间我的坚强和理智消失得干干净净，我所谓”迟来的懦弱“就出来了。

真的，谁不喜欢有人照顾、不喜欢有人呵护？

可是我知道这只是暂时的，我嘛，就是命贱吧。就是喜欢找个墙撞得头破血流，然后自豪地宣布“这堵墙是我撞开的，怎样？强吧？”然后很笨地自己疗伤。所以在这个时候，任何一个人闯进来抢着心疼我，我就会感动了，我就会说，“这个人我不会辜负。”

有一个声音一直在心里说，“曾梦琦你看看你自己吧，你有什么值得别人关心你的。”就算是幸福，也是暂时的，就是是开心，也有期限的。

如果到最后别人还是会骗我、还是要伤害我，我又为什么一开始要相信？我没有了相信别人的勇气，至少对于爱情这件事，我彻底明白了我没有别人所谓的命定的那位。

做家人好了、做朋友好了，这些都是一辈子的。那么我就再也不会受伤。

上个礼拜我喝醉了，真的醉了、吐了、哭了。我没有想到我居然能够抛开所有自制和局限，哭出来，使劲地闹，直到酒精退去。就算是身边有朋友和家人陪伴，就算喝醉的时候有人牵着我的手，有人打电话，有人心疼，我还是觉得我寂寞得不像话。

这些人的陪伴我真的很感谢，我真的觉得有他们我的人生就够好了，不值得再更好。他们能幸福就好了，我可以不用幸福。真的。真的这样觉得。

功课上有两个Assignments要写关于自己的。一个是要你说出自己的优点，简单点就是sell yourself。另一个要写自己的价值观和想做counselor的原因。真的，不难。可是我莫名其妙地害怕。

优点？我有吗？我除了理智我还有什么？现在连理智都没有了，我还剩什么？原因？我就只是想别人快乐幸福，甚至我连自己的快乐也不想考虑，这种价值观能写进去吗？

我明白我真的可以随便写、随便交，结果应该不会太差，可是知道我的人知道，这么感性的我怎么会对自己这么敷衍了事？

Lost the ability to love

I guess, I have lost the ability to love, I start to not being appreciate and cherish. Everything seems like a lie. Everything become so negative to me, love songs aren't sincere, caring isn't sweet anymore.

I feel like I am dying.

I cannot see anything with a neutral stand, I am just being selfish. I cannot love anyone now, I cannot trust anyone now. It's just like the world is fading away from me, and I am still all alone being here. No one care no one would know the existence of me.

Before you get me, before you become my bf, I was being sensitive too. I can't trust in love too. I was afraid to love too. I know starting a relationship definitely means you are going to get hurt while creating some sweet memories. It is in a package. But you changed me, you make me believe everyone deserve to be loved. No one should be left out. We all are human, we have the right.

The sweetest phrase I've learned from you.

You said, I shouldn't be worried, because you didn't expect anything from me.

You are saying I only need to be there, let you love me, let you treat me nice, let you be my hero, my dad, my bro, my friend and my lover. I only have to be there. Since you only need me to love you back. All you need is just my love.

Do you realize I am actually putting more and more and the scale is getting more and more imbalance?

You save me from being no confident but now you make me think that I am such a bad gf that you need to lie me. Am I doing bad? Or am I too demanding? Is it I am too controllable? Or I am being too strict?

And once again, I feel that I have lost the confidence to love.

You know, there is one thing that I seriously admire you --- your patient. You never give up no matter how hard is our situation, how matter what is next to us or how pain you are, you never say goodbye. All the way long, you never leave me.

I guess maybe I think this is important, the will to insist in love is way too important so I gave you a lot of chance to change. Maybe, you don't know how to change, or you forgot that it is wrong doing so, so you lie again and hurt me again.

Someone told me, if you wanna break up and get back together, you should make sure you can trust and forgive 100%. I think I can't. I can't even think that all guys wouldn't lie, I can't even think that there is someone who won't betray. So, tell me, how am I supposed to be with you?

I can't isn't it? Can't you see I have lost the ability to love you.

忙、我忙着忽略

本来嘛，在部落格里写下我和男朋友的问题不是我的作风，我真的以为为什么要把男朋友的事情写上去让所有人知道你们过得不好是不？可是现在我居然动了这些感受。

我的前几任，就算我不说也会定时上我的部落格看看，可能我没有更新了还是怎样，可能我写中文他看不了，我不知道什么原因可是我一百巴仙肯定他不是不会看到这篇文，除非我叫他来看。

我下个礼拜大考，这个星期读书周，我原本应该很有空，应该能够花花时间和朋友聚聚可是我却窝在家里读书，为什么呢，我想我不想要朋友问起你，而我无从说起。

每一次道歉、每一次讲电话、每一次的每一次，你都是那么诚恳。你做错事情让我哭了一场、担心、生气，可是你总是告诉我你不知情，不是故意的，或是你抱歉。

抱歉你就改改你的脾性，改改你的习惯，改改好让我知道你想我快乐。

多少次了我打你的手机打到天亮、多少次了我说想睡前说说话、多少次了你出去了手机没电要不手机有电可是联系我让我要找你澳洲的朋友来找你。

男人，你找他的时候他没有理你，就是因为他要不在忙、要不他不忙。他忙的话你应该理解，不忙的话却又不找你，你就该秤秤自己在他心中的位子。

那么好了，不说你嗜睡的习惯，也不说你不喜欢报备的性格（报备是常常做到，但是就是有好多次好多的小时不上线不找你，反而更让人担心。）可是最基本的保护，你给不到你做不了。你的承诺的基础是你父母，任何关于你的决定你必须经过他们，哪怕只是一个去旅行。我们多久没见了，好像半年了。我开始不知道你的头发发线是在哪边，肩膀有多宽。

他们不喜欢我，我知道；同样我不喜欢他们，甚至可以说我讨厌。为什么呢，能够直接去干扰我家人的人，我不讨厌都难。我真的，因为他们想和你分手可是很不甘心不是吗，不甘心因为这样的理由分了不是吗。我不想看见他们，也不想去应付他们的脸色。我不是一定要嫁给你，你说我干嘛要受他们的气？你说如果那天他们没有打给我妈我会对他们有这种看法？难道一个不懂尊重的人我应该尊重她？说了n遍了，不爽我，冲我来，告诉我原因，为什么去打扰我妈？

她错了，很挫，错的离谱，为什么？因为她更加应该劝你和我分手，别劝不动去劝我妈，你该带直接打电话给我，我的电话号码你那么神通广大很容易就拿到。

那，这也不是你的错，那是你父母，我觉得你也够压力了被夹在中间。那么好吧，我们再说一件事。背叛。

我从来，没有，试过，被背叛。你让我试了第一次，第二次……

究竟在你心里我是什么位置？可以让你在我们的热恋期，就因为我不小心惹怒了你，你就开始和别的女孩暧昧。你就可以对别人说爱她。搞得我好像都不存在一样。

我应该很感谢，在你之前我有三任前任，他们把我保护的密不透风害怕我受一点伤，可能笨拙，可是他们不背叛。你却把那么痛苦的经历给我。这两年，我和男生简讯也不多发，都光和女生聊，男生都是见到面才聊天，你说我为毛要这样？你说我是不是笨让别人觉得I'm taken？你让我知道了我真的不应该不好好经营自己的市场，任其荒废。

你知道我又哭了吗，你又做了什么值得我原谅？

Hatres

I couldn't help myself but to hate someone I am not suppose to hate. My friend once said to me "What for I care so much of what others think about you? Just because you see them everyday? You don't like people to judge at you? Oh please, you will not see them anymore after graduation."

Yes, I was once judged by my classmates to that extent them posted on fb scolding me b*tch.

But, what if, this is a person you are going to see for the rest of your life? (Don't start guessing who is it.) *giggles*

I have a choice not to see that someone, I do have a choice but I need to give up something important to let that someone get out of my life.

I am always sure that I deserve the best, I am unique, I should have get a better one, or the best one, but obviously... not this one. Sometimes I laugh at myself, looking at what I have done last time and realize they were all wrong. My life just gone to a wrong direction.

How should I face that someone now? I can't even smile and say hi, I can't even praise them from my heart, I just hate anything they do. The thought of "they are doing this with intention or purpose" keep lingering in my mind. They are just faking themselves, presenting to be good.

今天，我走了。

今天，我走了。

这是一件我们共同住过的公寓，两年，可是如今看回去，我好想再也看不到任何好的回忆。你曾经在楼梯间推开我，我曾经甩了门跑了出去，你曾经砸坏了茶几，我曾经站在阳台自己看着月亮流泪。

一开始你尊重了我的意愿，我想自己睡一个房间，你也由了我。你找了两个单人房的房子，我们开心地搬家，买了看起来有质地但是便宜的家具、把厨房漆成红白色、换了蓝色棉质沙发、苹果青的窗帘，没有电视，但是客厅放着双屏幕电脑。墙上挂起了我们的合照，橱里放着我的奖杯还有你的模型车。

当时真的很穷，为了这个家我们花了许多储蓄，当时我们没有家人的支持，硬着头皮做了一次很长的梦。

没有婚纸、没有签名、没有婚纱照，我们说了没有家人的祝福，我们不结婚。

我们可以在一起一辈子，这样就够了。

童话真的太美好，我们俩都快被冲昏了头。后来的后来，大家掉入了现实的生活中。忙得焦头烂额。

我是个咨询师，上班时间虽然固定，但是很长时间要单独见顾客。你说你不喜欢这份工作，要我辞掉，说你会照顾我。我不肯，你开始软磨硬泡。

你开始出差，刚开始一个月一次，一次三天。但后来一个星期一次。我开始觉得我是单身的。

有一次，你出差了，说好今晚会接我下班一起吃饭。好不容易到了快放工的时间，还有最后一个客人，是个妻子出轨的四十岁男人，事业有成，虽然他自己也在外面偷吃但是容忍不了妻子，却觉得离婚很没有面子。真是个糟糕的男人。

只是我没有想到他真的那么糟糕。

你进入我的办公室的时候，我想，我狼狈得想凭空消失。我以为你会揍那个混蛋，我以为你会问我难过吗，我以为你会说你在别怕。

可是你没有。

你看到我衣衫不整、满脸喘红的时候，你的嘴角勾了一下。当下我就知道你误会了。你过来拉起我的手，比他还要粗暴还要过分。一路拉着我将我甩进车座，一句话也没说。你好像忽略了我的眼泪。

“你误会了。”我静静地说着。我不知道为什么在你面前我还要装作冷静。

“我没有。”你没有看我只是握着方向盘。

我想我没有控制好自己，只是轻轻笑了出来。你真的越来越不可理喻。

“很好笑？”你问，你看着我，“你觉得我的反应好笑？！”

我不知道你驾得到底有多快，只是突然有了一种想法，如果说我们现在发生了车祸，死了。一瞬间的一辈子，多好。

想着这些的时候，你大概觉得我在闹着你玩吧，结果说了一句：“这些事情你以为我出差的时候少见吗？我只是觉得你也太大胆了吧，居然玩到了办公室里。”

我转头看着他，我应该哭吗，还是应该笑呢，你对我那么诚实。

结果我笑着流下了眼泪。

车一停，我先下车，扭头转进了厕所，我开始浑身上下洗了起来。那个男人的气味，那个男人的吻，所有，我要洗干净。太肮脏了。

出来的时候，他在房里。

我当下收起了我的所有衣物，剩下的之后再拿吧。

一股脑收拾好了所有用品之后，我看着行李发了一会儿呆。就这样离开吗？真的就这样？我们那么坚定我们那么爱对方，结果互相折磨，结果我们都不快乐。

他居然可以在我差点被侮辱的时候，告诉我他在外面也一样在玩？

想到这里，我知道我必须离开，我一秒都不想和这样的男人待下去。所以，今天，我走了。

只希望你不要后悔。

So this is it

I will just type this in English so you can read it without translation, I am doing this to avoid any unnecessary misunderstanding.

I just want to live simple, with the power to make decision on my own. I just don't like to get in complicated conflicts. I want to be myself, just the me who can laugh and cry comfortably.

I love when I have tantrums angrily and shyly apologize afterwards. I love when I speak, there will always have someone who can listen well, giving me suggestions and silence understandably. I love to lay on shoulders when I cry or feel tired, recharging my battery to start off again.

I like who is responsible, sociable, confident and take care of details. He needs to be filial and loyal, putting his family in the first place. Appearance is just an extra, but he must be healthy and be aware of it. Who should be conscious enough to follow plans and promises. Who is protective and brave enough to take care of me, to be the guy who can lead me in life.

I must be setting too high for you that you stress away and being irrational in talking. Or else I cannot believe you say that, it is from your mouth. It is just like one and half years ago, do you remember? You answered: "I do" with an emoji of love followed. It is way out of my expectation, I just could not imagine you say that. It is hurt, even now it is still hurting my heart.

You must have thought that I am not going easy with you by all the requests. Anyway you had it all before. You fulfilled all the requests as I mentioned.

You worked on school society. You could social well with your friends. You could laugh like there is no tomorrow. You bought me breakfast when I talked to you on the meals I was craving. You mentioned the good of your parents. You did not betray me back then. You worked out often. You studied hard on STPM and got all credits. You was so angry when I get bullied and wanted to kick his ass off. You taught me to put my ego and guards down to accept and love new things.

You did.

You were the one I wanted back then.

But my life is a mess now. I don't know when and I don't know how it started but it just turn out to be like that. Perhaps I was going easy on you and that is why you think you should have challenge yourself to make me mad. And, congratulation, you have succeed.

I feel like I was a rose who protected herself well with thorns but you teared me off. Putting me into water and you thought that would make me survive. But in fact I'm fading day by day.

To guess this may be my limit, or perhaps, you did reach my limit before but I was the one who pushed my limits for you.

No one is wrong, you know. I have been saying all these to you that it is not about whose fault. We just can't make it, we just don't match, we just don't suit each other. Just like what your parents said.

Or maybe we can just be like those Korean drama who break all the obstacles and be together? Living happily ever after? Don't make me laugh. I am that realistic, you know it. You know me so well but you like to do things in an opposite way. Anyhow I am one of the factors making things into this way, but still... I don't get it, I don't understand this.

I can't stand this. I can't accept all these.

I won't talk to you until you stand in front of me.

I'm just tired

In a younger age, I mean when I was an adolescent, I used to speak out my thoughts, feelings and problems to people around me. I feel relief when people understand me or whenever they agree with me.

By and by, I rather joke around than explore my pain to others. I can be crying at home and forget about what made me cry at campus, just try to make fun with my friends and one day will be passed. I know there are still problems which I cannot solve them at this moment, so I am trying to ignore it.

How I wish there is no siblings war in my family, and how I wish there is no one that I don't want to see for the rest of my life. I started to question a lot of "if"s, I started to dream what I can't have, but it is all useless.

年少无知的我，活得真得很轻松自在，我或许没有别人那么自由，我或许有着很多责任很忙，或许也太正直没有试过犯下大错，可是那的时候的我，真的说是多洒脱就有多洒脱。我勇敢地说出我的话，我能大方地要求别人的回答，我也可以做我自己放肆大笑。可是现在的我，我也不懂自己缺少了什么，整个人很空。

我希望，我能好好地和男朋友的家人相处。我可以在他们也说出我的想法。我希望，我的英文不是那么烂，我不需要为了顾及别人的嘲笑、别人的眼光，大方地，说我想说的话，做我想做的事。我希望，我不是那么胖，又或者，自己不是那么介意体重机上的数字，走出去穿得怎样不需要介怀。

I think I know what is missing, my confidence have gone, since I graduated from my high school.

我可以做什么

就算是没有过生日，我也算是二十一岁了。很是应该一个年龄我应该考虑未来了。

老实说一直以来我实在是太过自我，标准的我行我素。我做的决定，也是我自己的决定，我好像习惯不去考虑别人的想法。

一直都被别人都说读书很好的读书妹，我一直很想摆脱这种形象，然而现在我再也不是那个读书妹。好笑的是，我摇身一变的头衔却变成了追随男朋友而放弃政府大学的资优生。我那个冤啊~

我想出国读书，是在我十七岁，还没有进中六就有的梦想。我只是觉得，既然我要念的，不是政府要我读的，那拉倒不是很好吗？怎知别人在我身后的言语有多么难听。

而现在好不容易，拿了奖学金进去私人大学，打算最后一年出国。我就开始想，出国真的值吗？好好的四万，好好的那笔钱，究竟应该不应该用去出国。

You know, YOLO.

You only live once.

我的疯狂，居然停在了这样的点上。

我的兢兢业业度过的那些第一名，瞬间不懂去了哪儿。我大概也是太倔强吧，被别人说是为了男朋友这件事，怎么样还是伤害了我的自尊心。难道不是很好笑吗？如果认定了他是你为了的另一半，到我大学最后一年的时候也快二十三了，那个时候如果为了男朋友，而出国和他一起，究竟有什么好嘲笑的？除非我不嫁了不成？

一个月待在家中放假，老实说我想到很多未来的事。我想到我该怎么让父母更好过，还是我应该定居在哪里他们才能放心，家里应该怎么装修，他们退休了以后应该做什么。我真的很讨厌我是最小的孩子，因为我是在长大的太缓慢了！

这样的情况下我想出国的这个决定究竟是任性，还是出去看世界？

读书

我应该感谢BBM1的书卷，就是因为如此我买了几本书，是在很久很久没有碰过新书，多久？有两年左右了。如此爱惜中国字的我，居然有那么一天没念过书了你说好笑吗？

我想，我有一段时间是真的迷失了，真的真的迷失了。

怎么说，中六毕业，我开始工作，进入了社会，明白了工资是一个很私密的问题，学会了喝酒，了解了生活是那么沉闷。那段日子，我没有投入心思在工作上，那是当然，我之后还要念书为什么要投入心思？我变了很多，在那段时间里。

我觉得我没有动力，也不懂自己要干什么能干什么，我想我绝大部分的注意，给跑到爱情上去了。是的，爱情、背叛、男朋友、分开、远距离……

我开始将时间空出来只为了他，我开始怨恨我给了太多，我开始变得很小心翼翼。现在想回去那个时候的我，真相被附身了一样。曾梦琦不再是曾梦琦。

我真的忘了，我原本就是喜欢去了解不一样的事物、听不一样的故事、明白不一样的人情。我认识的人，从茶餐厅老板到房屋产经理，从商人到药剂师，从税务员到律师，这么多，我竟然无聊到只去探讨自己的生活。那么有空。

真的，有空到去介意离家的姐姐，她如何变脸、如何不要脸、如何翻脸。有空到开始去在乎十划都没有一撇的婆媳关系。这些事实在不是不值得关心，只是我也未免花太多时间了。

再一次读书，是好的。我至少找回了我自己。

因为我知道，比起这些事，我更加应该花时间去发掘我想知道的故事。

大学

真的很久很久没有再写下自己的心情，包括日记、部落格，全部我都停止了。我真的还是原来的我吗？感觉自己变了很多。与其说我是变得没有那么敏感，倒不如说我已经学会了如何去忽略，如何去习惯我的感情。

最近，很多中文字开始写不出来、想不起来，很多字已经被英文字取代，需要用英文才会表达。最近，总觉得自己的身边少了什么，是我太挑剔，还是我太冷漠。不知不觉中，我开始习惯了一个人。

看见了很多人，好姐妹、好兄弟，穿着同样的衣服、用着同样的东西，炫耀他们的友情。我发现，我其实真的没有会这样和我做的朋友。可能有些朋友真的很熟络了，只是我和他们没有办法做到像这样。

开始很想家，我是说家乡。想父母，觉得自己应该快点长大。想家乡的朋友，总是觉得他们才明白我在说的话。

有时候会忘记今天究竟是几月，月中还是月尾，日复一日，有点麻木。

会开始梦见以前的人，或是，不存在的人，开始迷恋梦里的角色，甚至有时候想回到梦里。曾经有一次，我开始忘了为什么我会读这一科，开始彷徨，直到我上网找了很多关于心理系的资料，才安下心来。

开始迷恋起少女时代，更贴切来说，喜欢她们的友情。我不能说她们有多少是真的，或是他们之间有没有勾心斗角，还是她们会不会哪天解散，可是我知道的是，我很羡慕她们。也不是漂亮或是她们的才艺，只是因为她们有总是有人陪伴。偶像都是卖一个幻想，我只在没有什么兴趣去知道一些她们的坏事然后让自己的寄托涣散。

上了大学，觉得上课真的不是那么重要，甚至我觉得上大学好像让我变得不太有责任感。也太写意。