If you are not

If you are not cheating on me, if it is just parent problems, no matter how hard is it, I would find thousands reasons to get back to you. Even though small part of the rational me say we have no future, but the large part of emotional me say we should try harder.

I have the thought of making you my last guy, do you know that?

It just turn out you are a liar, it just turn out you are still as flirty as the time I just known you, and that is what I cannot stand.

It has been so many times, big lies, small lies, good lies, bad lies... They didn't start 9 months ago, you first cheated on me at last day of October 2012, at which we had only been together half year.

I am that ego, and this egoistic girl is willing to lower down my partner's standard of not lying for you. I became sensitive and insecure, and I am not longer the Tsen Mung Khie in high school.

Breaking up with you is painful but in the same time I feel relief. We, finally, break up. Both of us finally free from torturing each other, I finally don't have to think of your parents, you finally can hang out with friends without hiding it. I finally don't have to worry for your empty promises, you finally don't have to get scolded by parents for dating me. We are finally free, and empty.

Yes, I should thank you for cheating, ignoring, and acting like you don't give a shit. If you insist to find me I would fall back into you again and all the tortures come again. You do until every very extend even deleted all the photos all the memories we had. That is good, because I always keep it. I always holding on memories but since you let them go so easily then I think I can do it. And I did.

It is painful.

When the one you believe he won't walk away from your life finally make his move, this is so painful. I don't hide my feelings I don't have to act like I am not sad, even though you are an asshole of cheating me but I guess you did put in a lot of effort to maintain this relationship. Yet I won't wish you the best, I just can't. Not yet.

Because I am still so angry of finding all the truths and realizing you are actually doing fine, at least better than me.

My phone become so silent. When I am having quiz no one come to say jia you to me. When I am going to sleep no one say sayang to me. When I am having lunch no one say eat full full yea. Or when I am not in a good mood no one say you still have me.

I am not cold-blooded, I am just a human. I seriously don't have to hide my feelings. They say I should not show any emotions in fb or in blog, I should just move on. Yea, I should, but it is not like these 2 years I was in a dream, even if it is, this dream is a bit too long.

You are not like that when we first dated, you are not like that when you just reached Brisbane, you were not like what you are now.

Same goes to me. I was not like what I am now.

If you are not cheating, I might wait for you maybe for years, I don't know. Now I have nothing to wait, because you cheated on me, too many times.