Hurting my pride

And I am hurting myself again, slowly torture myself and see how long I can last. Let's just pretend you are okay and fake smile when people talks about him, your past, or your heart, just put a show and laugh over those sarcasm.

You are not in pain, not painful enough to let him go.

Yea, so, let's do this.

I thought I was alright, so I check on her, not him but her. Surprisingly I got affected by her, not him. Someone please come and tell me you guys are together now, so I can move on more quickly. Actually it should be painful enough to let go, since he did cheat on me, liking another girl while dating me, he ignored me, his mom disrespect me and my family. What is not enough to let go? But seriously, do I have to remind myself all these shits he did so I can move on? I have to tell myself he is a bastard that I have loved for 2 years so I can move on? There are surely some good points about him, but I just don't want to think in that way.

Just done my another quiz, I feel tired of studying.

I remember my mom did ask me do I want to skip one semester since I can't concentrate on my study, I should just say yes. I am living like a zombie now.

I got much better, but I am still sensitive over people who don't reply me after reading my message. Oh, talking about this. It is so funny, my friend go and take my phone to send him a message on fb, and I just realize it just now. He didn't reply, good, if he replies then it would be awkward. But my friend is dead by doing so.

Because I am still not okay. My friends are all busying suggesting me new guys, but I don't feel like starting anything. I feel like they are all the same. Why make it so complicated when it can be simple? If you like me then you would just reply me, you wouldn't lie, you will care if your text put a smile on my face. Don't blur the line. You don't have to act like him who likes another girl while dating me, there's no point.

Talk about the girl, I think too much on her post, yea, I guess I did. Seems like she thinks she might have fallen into a guy who take care of her when she was sick. She said he is being so patient. If the guy she mentioned is my ex, I wouldn't be surprised. He has all the patient in this world, and he is good in taking care of others, not himself, but others. When he wanted to woo me, it was during the time I was sick too. He got all the ways to get close to a girl if he wants.

Another friend of mine that I am close with told me he did chase her long time ago. And he never mention this to me before. We all know the girl and we did count on how many girls he was interested or chased before, and I then realized now, all the patterns of playboy are the same. I meet a playboy before, he only told me his exs that I know, but in fact he chased after so many girls that I don't know.

Judging only from this point, I should get rid of him. And I did, but it is still not complete yet.

I feel like whoever flirting with me is disgusting now. I see those as another strategies that they did on other girls, it is just they use it on me this time.

And I feel that there is nothing bad to be a playgirl. This is the results of suffering too much pain, but the one who cause me pain won't care this anymore. But I really wish to be one now, desperately. Even if I will regret one day.