Lately, due to Chinese New Year, there are many people asking me about my ex, because we shared the same social circle even though I tried to not mingle with them anymore. I don't see the point of having a lot of friends who can't understand me and keep talking at my back so yea.
People discuss, when they don't know you entirely, they easily disclose things to third party who don't know you at all. I mean, I do discuss, I know how people discuss, I have seen and done it before so I know.
I really don't have to try so hard getting people's approval for these rumors. So yea, I didn't join those celebrations, I didn't join those crowds of "When are you graduating? Where are you now? Where are you going to stay after graduation?". If I know I am going to have these conversations, I would rather not join.
Yes, this world is all about network, I don't have a good network, because I am too arrogant to make networks, I am too lazy to maintain it, or to ask people out when I know they are all busy and they will reject me.
And the ex, ha, I have heard some other things that make me really happy. I didn't know he would still ask about me in front of our friends, I feel funny.
I never ask about him from any of my friends, I would answer if they bring up but I am really not interested to know anything about him. Not how his mom guarded him at Australia, not how he is still single now, not how he gain weight. Please, I am happy with my life now so stop bringing him up.
People have been telling to forgive him to let go, we can still be friends, it was not his fault. Oh really? Not his fault? Okay, you told me he got what he deserved as he was suffering between me and his mom and it was really hard. Fine. Then how about his betrayal? How about he flirted with his ex when he was with me? How about he told his ex he love her when we argued? How about he deleted conversation of another ex? How about he had feeling towards another girl in Australia? How about he cheated me he said he will be sleeping instead he went out? How about all these?
Not his fault? Nope. Hell no.
We both were hurt, but I don't deserve it too. He stepped into my social circle and he knows those are my friends, we are very close, and he still step into my social circle. Yes, you could say he is just trying to make friends but there is no need to make friends with my friends when you have bunches of friends out there. I don't like seeing you mingle with my friends okay?
Because they will tell me about how are you but I really have no interest for that. You and your mom have been doing a good job keeping all the rumors up in this small town, You really want to get rid of every single friends of mine then you will stop?
I regretted, a lot.
They told me I was in love so I shouldn't blame on you, yes I have fault too, being too controlling being too emotional being to harsh on you. But if people have eyes, they know, these only happens after your betrayal. Only after your betrayal. ONLY happen after I saw you said "I do" for her question of "Do you love me?"
I let go of the part how he treated me, how his mom treated me, how they let the rumors fly. But I am very sorry that I could not forgive you messing with my friends and still act innocent.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
I have to
Been attached to my blog these few days, it might really due to the fact that I have been listening some good songs recently. I personally appreciate nice songs, any genre of songs is okay, as long as it touches my heart.
Today when I met my counselor, I have to admit that I was tearing up when I talked about my family. I myself point out that I can do nothing on my past, so I should take control of my future. That's why I got so depressed when the future doesn't go with my plan. That's why I am pushing myself so hard and placing everyone in a position that I think they are supposed to be. When things get messy, I got angry. I am incompetent, I guess.
Then, my counselor ask me what shape me into this. I was a bit.. dumbfounded? To the fact that I didn't realize I wanted control everything so bad. Then I trace back my way, and realize oh, it is not that hard to guess, the cause itself have been haunting me since forever -- my family.
People who know me will know I don't really have a happy family, I don't know what define a happy family, but mine is definitely not. I told my story to her and she asked me do I blame because I have this kind of family? I said yes, when I was young, when I was so innocent I could still blame everything, I blamed it to myself.
I remember I always holding back my tears and hide at somewhere to cry. There is always a "safe" place in my home, my school... I like the feeling of being alone, crying to myself, get better and walk out like I just won a war. She then asked, how do I feel to my mom, all these time. I would say it is kind of complicated and contrasting. I don't like the fact that she was pushing me so hard in my studies, I don't like I was being put in a position where I need to be the best in order to get attention, I don't like how she compared me with my step-siblings. I don't like how she always complaint things I shouldn't know in that age. But... In another side, I understand why she did all these, how she endure all the pain, how much hope she put on me, so I tried to be a good, filial yet confident child. I speak out when she is wrong, I comfort her when she needs me, I hold a responsibility of taking care of her since small. I couldn't complaint to her that she born me in such a family, because she wouldn't like this herself.
To my dad, I hated him. My boyfriend did confuse when listening to my story, asking me if my dad is good or bad. How do I define whether he is a good or bad dad. He is not good enough in a sense that he is almost absent in my life until I entered university. He is not bad enough as he still take care of me financially and sometimes prepare me breakfasts and some subtle things. I can't blame on him either, I only get close to him in these few years. I can't ruin this.
Then, there is really no an exit for me to run away from this trauma. I called it a trauma, that have been prolonged for 22 years of my life, and it will only keep haunting until I died. Not to say the time when my parents are gone, I will still need to face those siblings that I didn't even meet up once in a year.
The fact is I am forced to grow up.
She then asked, do you think you are okay with this? The effect of growing up in this family... isn't that bad, to be honest. I am much mature than others who are in same age, I am much independent, much brave, much tough, much likely to take control of things, but I am very careful. I am being extra careful in making friends and choosing a mate, I am scared of many things. I will get teary when I listen to soft songs, I can see the scar on my heart, and hoping there will not be new wound.
Do I like myself?
I can't imagine a self that is not independent, so how am I suppose to think if I like current self when I can't compared myself with another self? I have to like myself.
I have to...
Just like how I have to accept being in this family...
Today when I met my counselor, I have to admit that I was tearing up when I talked about my family. I myself point out that I can do nothing on my past, so I should take control of my future. That's why I got so depressed when the future doesn't go with my plan. That's why I am pushing myself so hard and placing everyone in a position that I think they are supposed to be. When things get messy, I got angry. I am incompetent, I guess.
Then, my counselor ask me what shape me into this. I was a bit.. dumbfounded? To the fact that I didn't realize I wanted control everything so bad. Then I trace back my way, and realize oh, it is not that hard to guess, the cause itself have been haunting me since forever -- my family.
People who know me will know I don't really have a happy family, I don't know what define a happy family, but mine is definitely not. I told my story to her and she asked me do I blame because I have this kind of family? I said yes, when I was young, when I was so innocent I could still blame everything, I blamed it to myself.
I remember I always holding back my tears and hide at somewhere to cry. There is always a "safe" place in my home, my school... I like the feeling of being alone, crying to myself, get better and walk out like I just won a war. She then asked, how do I feel to my mom, all these time. I would say it is kind of complicated and contrasting. I don't like the fact that she was pushing me so hard in my studies, I don't like I was being put in a position where I need to be the best in order to get attention, I don't like how she compared me with my step-siblings. I don't like how she always complaint things I shouldn't know in that age. But... In another side, I understand why she did all these, how she endure all the pain, how much hope she put on me, so I tried to be a good, filial yet confident child. I speak out when she is wrong, I comfort her when she needs me, I hold a responsibility of taking care of her since small. I couldn't complaint to her that she born me in such a family, because she wouldn't like this herself.
To my dad, I hated him. My boyfriend did confuse when listening to my story, asking me if my dad is good or bad. How do I define whether he is a good or bad dad. He is not good enough in a sense that he is almost absent in my life until I entered university. He is not bad enough as he still take care of me financially and sometimes prepare me breakfasts and some subtle things. I can't blame on him either, I only get close to him in these few years. I can't ruin this.
Then, there is really no an exit for me to run away from this trauma. I called it a trauma, that have been prolonged for 22 years of my life, and it will only keep haunting until I died. Not to say the time when my parents are gone, I will still need to face those siblings that I didn't even meet up once in a year.
The fact is I am forced to grow up.
She then asked, do you think you are okay with this? The effect of growing up in this family... isn't that bad, to be honest. I am much mature than others who are in same age, I am much independent, much brave, much tough, much likely to take control of things, but I am very careful. I am being extra careful in making friends and choosing a mate, I am scared of many things. I will get teary when I listen to soft songs, I can see the scar on my heart, and hoping there will not be new wound.
Do I like myself?
I can't imagine a self that is not independent, so how am I suppose to think if I like current self when I can't compared myself with another self? I have to like myself.
I have to...
Just like how I have to accept being in this family...
Sunday, September 27, 2015
年上、年下
可能被韩国的用字所影响，我的标题用了年上、年下。年上就是指比自己年龄大的人，年下也就不说而破了。老实说，自己本身是喜欢年上男的，成熟可靠，什么事情都精通的人。这样的人一定会引领自己去到很多不同的阶层。而至于，为什么我的现任会是年下，这些事情其实根本说不清楚。我可能知道自己喜欢年上男，却明白自己不适合他们。这叫什么，潜意识作祟？
我不喜欢骄傲的人，不喜欢自我的人，不喜欢霸道的人。成熟稳重的人，虽然不是一百巴仙都是这样的人，但是老实说，如果这样有主见的人不自我，我可能早遇到了。可惜没有，我目前为止，没有遇到一个这样的人，或者应该说，没遇到这样而且我又对他有感觉的人。
我的确喜欢有主见会表达会带领我的人，但是不是控制我命令我的人。和太聪明的人相处很累，你总是需要处处留意你是不是做错了事，你笨的时候他有耐心吗，你想得到的心机他是否会用在你身上。不是什么，这世上有种东西叫善意的谎言，但是是我不想要的谎言。聪明的人用来躲掉麻烦，而很显然的，女人的存在本来就是很麻烦的。
我本来就不能再去相信别人，单纯去喜欢一个人不想他的心机不想他的背景不想他的脾气，这样的事情我大概只有初恋才做得到。除非，找一个本来就单纯的人，找一个本来就没有心机的人，你一辈子放心。
真正要得到一个成熟的男人最好的方法就是陪他成长。他若是抛弃了你，他也会一声惦记着你。是谁说过的，一个完美的情人不是好情人，他只是在之前的情人身上学会了如何和你相处。可是如果你不是他最后一任，那么他日后想起的也会是让他成长的女人而不是你。
其实我觉得这世上还是有人，天生又成熟又稳重又不自我还体贴温柔的。找到这样极品男人的女人不懂是修了多好的福分。但是对我来说来日方长，说不定我就是那个幸运的女人呢？毕竟我的男人才刚成年，说成熟稳重对他实在太长远。
但是，他忠心、他不会逃避问题、不会和别的女生暧昧、不会是密码不让我知道。但是，他对我家人好、爸爸妈妈随时叫他来他都不会拒绝、过节也会送礼物。但是，他孝顺、他明白家里的情况会学着控制自己的脾气、他对家人好会买礼品回去。但是，他很够义气、哪个朋友有难他第一个说要帮忙、连我的朋友也不放过直到我开始吃醋。但是，他很疼我、他煮的一手好菜、会老远驾车过来陪我、舍不得我受苦。
他或许没有耐心，举不出什么舆论，给不到好的意见，还健忘。可是他有很多优点是我不能忘记的。可能这些有点里面最大的就是，他让我回归平凡。我是他的初恋，没有前任的压力、没有担心、没有焦虑。别人说，男人最忘不了的是第一任，女人则是最后一任。我不介意慢慢陪他摸索未来，因为我知道我现在很喜欢这样平淡的幸福。
我不喜欢骄傲的人，不喜欢自我的人，不喜欢霸道的人。成熟稳重的人，虽然不是一百巴仙都是这样的人，但是老实说，如果这样有主见的人不自我，我可能早遇到了。可惜没有，我目前为止，没有遇到一个这样的人，或者应该说，没遇到这样而且我又对他有感觉的人。
我的确喜欢有主见会表达会带领我的人，但是不是控制我命令我的人。和太聪明的人相处很累，你总是需要处处留意你是不是做错了事，你笨的时候他有耐心吗，你想得到的心机他是否会用在你身上。不是什么，这世上有种东西叫善意的谎言，但是是我不想要的谎言。聪明的人用来躲掉麻烦，而很显然的，女人的存在本来就是很麻烦的。
我本来就不能再去相信别人，单纯去喜欢一个人不想他的心机不想他的背景不想他的脾气，这样的事情我大概只有初恋才做得到。除非，找一个本来就单纯的人，找一个本来就没有心机的人，你一辈子放心。
真正要得到一个成熟的男人最好的方法就是陪他成长。他若是抛弃了你，他也会一声惦记着你。是谁说过的，一个完美的情人不是好情人，他只是在之前的情人身上学会了如何和你相处。可是如果你不是他最后一任，那么他日后想起的也会是让他成长的女人而不是你。
其实我觉得这世上还是有人，天生又成熟又稳重又不自我还体贴温柔的。找到这样极品男人的女人不懂是修了多好的福分。但是对我来说来日方长，说不定我就是那个幸运的女人呢？毕竟我的男人才刚成年，说成熟稳重对他实在太长远。
但是，他忠心、他不会逃避问题、不会和别的女生暧昧、不会是密码不让我知道。但是，他对我家人好、爸爸妈妈随时叫他来他都不会拒绝、过节也会送礼物。但是，他孝顺、他明白家里的情况会学着控制自己的脾气、他对家人好会买礼品回去。但是，他很够义气、哪个朋友有难他第一个说要帮忙、连我的朋友也不放过直到我开始吃醋。但是，他很疼我、他煮的一手好菜、会老远驾车过来陪我、舍不得我受苦。
他或许没有耐心，举不出什么舆论，给不到好的意见，还健忘。可是他有很多优点是我不能忘记的。可能这些有点里面最大的就是，他让我回归平凡。我是他的初恋，没有前任的压力、没有担心、没有焦虑。别人说，男人最忘不了的是第一任，女人则是最后一任。我不介意慢慢陪他摸索未来，因为我知道我现在很喜欢这样平淡的幸福。
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