I have to

Been attached to my blog these few days, it might really due to the fact that I have been listening some good songs recently. I personally appreciate nice songs, any genre of songs is okay, as long as it touches my heart.

Today when I met my counselor, I have to admit that I was tearing up when I talked about my family. I myself point out that I can do nothing on my past, so I should take control of my future. That's why I got so depressed when the future doesn't go with my plan. That's why I am pushing myself so hard and placing everyone in a position that I think they are supposed to be. When things get messy, I got angry. I am incompetent, I guess.

Then, my counselor ask me what shape me into this. I was a bit.. dumbfounded? To the fact that I didn't realize I wanted control everything so bad. Then I trace back my way, and realize oh, it is not that hard to guess, the cause itself have been haunting me since forever -- my family.

People who know me will know I don't really have a happy family, I don't know what define a happy family, but mine is definitely not. I told my story to her and she asked me do I blame because I have this kind of family? I said yes, when I was young, when I was so innocent I could still blame everything, I blamed it to myself.

I remember I always holding back my tears and hide at somewhere to cry. There is always a "safe" place in my home, my school... I like the feeling of being alone, crying to myself, get better and walk out like I just won a war. She then asked, how do I feel to my mom, all these time. I would say it is kind of complicated and contrasting. I don't like the fact that she was pushing me so hard in my studies, I don't like I was being put in a position where I need to be the best in order to get attention, I don't like how she compared me with my step-siblings. I don't like how she always complaint things I shouldn't know in that age. But... In another side, I understand why she did all these, how she endure all the pain, how much hope she put on me, so I tried to be a good, filial yet confident child. I speak out when she is wrong, I comfort her when she needs me, I hold a responsibility of taking care of her since small. I couldn't complaint to her that she born me in such a family, because she wouldn't like this herself.

To my dad, I hated him. My boyfriend did confuse when listening to my story, asking me if my dad is good or bad. How do I define whether he is a good or bad dad. He is not good enough in a sense that he is almost absent in my life until I entered university. He is not bad enough as he still take care of me financially and sometimes prepare me breakfasts and some subtle things. I can't blame on him either, I only get close to him in these few years. I can't ruin this.

Then, there is really no an exit for me to run away from this trauma. I called it a trauma, that have been prolonged for 22 years of my life, and it will only keep haunting until I died. Not to say the time when my parents are gone, I will still need to face those siblings that I didn't even meet up once in a year.

The fact is I am forced to grow up.

She then asked, do you think you are okay with this? The effect of growing up in this family... isn't that bad, to be honest. I am much mature than others who are in same age, I am much independent, much brave, much tough, much likely to take control of things, but I am very careful. I am being extra careful in making friends and choosing a mate, I am scared of many things. I will get teary when I listen to soft songs, I can see the scar on my heart, and hoping there will not be new wound.

Do I like myself?

I can't imagine a self that is not independent, so how am I suppose to think if I like current self when I can't compared myself with another self? I have to like myself.

I have to...

Just like how I have to accept being in this family...