二十三岁，说真的不是很老，也不是应该哀悼光阴的时候，但是大学要毕业了，难免感叹，唉，我好像不能任意耍脾气闹情绪了。（虽然说我平常也没有什么耍任性的时候啦）
但是啊，我好像还没有准备好，比如说，负责任。我是个蛮懒的人。不是真的很懒，就只是蛮懒吧。因为我真的很不喜欢按部就班地上课、做同样的东西。很多人喜欢把这些解释成追求自由、喜欢有弹性的生活，可是我就不掩饰什么了，我就是懒惰。我不喜欢在我心情不对的时候，做一些我被逼的事情。老实说，就算真的逼我做些我不喜欢的事，我也不见得会表现得特别不好，就是我不想而已。
我想，这就是我的任性吧，很该死的性格，我知道。
大家也可以诠释为，我成绩好，我任性。老实说我不介意别人这样说，因为连我自己都没办法反驳，我觉得就是吧。仗着成绩不错，就不用功读书。好吧，我知道这样说很多人会说，哇很窜哦！可是，我真的不能因此就说我有很努力。我最努力的时候不是现在，我最努力的时候是SPM，当时出来9个A，还拿不到奖学金，那个时候我就知道，读书好没有用，成绩好没有用，如果好不到能“赚钱”，那就是没用。虽然我还是拿了一万多的奖学金，但是远远不够，我觉得，不够好。所以大家能理解，为什么我在大学只是一直在混。
也不是没有压力啦，上大学完全没有压力是骗人的。但是这还不是我的最好，将来肯定会有更好的。
要毕业了，二十三岁，出来工作又会是最年轻的一辈。但是我还是觉得，二十三岁了，最小又怎样？没有人会理会你的青涩、你的胆怯，既然如此又为什么不要隐藏自己的弱点呢？摆出来让大家笑话好吗？我可能还是算早就接触这个社会的，十七岁，第一份工作，我就知道，不是每个人都像我如此幸运，两份工都有人照顾。那些很险恶的人，我想我还是见过几个的。
大人玩的游戏、客套的话，我听着腻了。我看到只是冰山一角我就已经开始不喜欢，真的不知道以后要怎样。
有点感到悲伤，毕竟好像真的要长大了，再矫情任性下去，就会让人讨厌了吧。
Monday, June 13, 2016
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
消失的人
而后来，多了那么多后来，我发现身边的人少了。
我读回了以前的文，留言的很多，可是很多很多我都不记得是谁了。身边的人来去又去，我觉得以前真像一个公主，有很多人关心、发文了抱抱怨，很快就会有人陪伴。中学的时候真好，大家都因为学校名正言顺地每天花五个小时培养感情、增进友谊。现在呢，约出来喝茶放飞机、忙、生活圈子变小。
我真的不习惯，变小了的圈子，以前真的随手找找人都可以打发时间，时间怎么过的，我一点都不知道。现在空下来的时候就是fb，要不然就是买买菜、吃吃饭。再不然就打打球。
我们都长大了，我们都有了自己想要的生活。
可是致那些消失的人，我亲爱的你们，照顾了我一个青春，让那么固执不懂事又吃力不讨好的我，有了很多很多回忆。现在的我没有活得很耀眼，没有变得很漂亮，不是学霸、也没有像以往那么凶不讲人情没有顾虑别人的感受。
可是对我来说这就是我的疯狂的日子，谢谢陪伴。
我读回了以前的文，留言的很多，可是很多很多我都不记得是谁了。身边的人来去又去，我觉得以前真像一个公主，有很多人关心、发文了抱抱怨，很快就会有人陪伴。中学的时候真好，大家都因为学校名正言顺地每天花五个小时培养感情、增进友谊。现在呢，约出来喝茶放飞机、忙、生活圈子变小。
我真的不习惯，变小了的圈子，以前真的随手找找人都可以打发时间，时间怎么过的，我一点都不知道。现在空下来的时候就是fb，要不然就是买买菜、吃吃饭。再不然就打打球。
我们都长大了，我们都有了自己想要的生活。
可是致那些消失的人，我亲爱的你们，照顾了我一个青春，让那么固执不懂事又吃力不讨好的我，有了很多很多回忆。现在的我没有活得很耀眼，没有变得很漂亮，不是学霸、也没有像以往那么凶不讲人情没有顾虑别人的感受。
可是对我来说这就是我的疯狂的日子，谢谢陪伴。
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Moving out and in
I have moved in to a completely new place. Here I have one of the most expensive night view a student could have, I have one of the most expensive rental a student should pay, I got all these for free. Because this is my boyfriend's house, but I don't feel happy.
Somehow I feel ashamed of myself that I am enjoying all these because I still want to earn my own luxury with my own hands, but not like this.
When I was in Damansara, I rented the whole unit and I am the boss there. The rest of my housemates are my tenants, I have the right to speak out. However, in here, I feel trapped. It is not like I can't be boss here, I still can if I want to. It is just that I am bounded to my boyfriend's family.
I want to marry him, at least for now, future is still too far to be certain now. So, at least for now, I want to stay with him forever. But since young I am an only child to my mom, I have used to control my freedom and decision. Staying in a big family only stay in my memory until I was maybe 10. Now I am too independent to be always fuse with big family. I like them, I like his family, just that I still don't think I am ready to live with them being one of my cores.
I don't stay with them in KL, it is just that I feel trapped even I just stay in a house under his name. And there are some dramas going on, where I am too lazy to bother with.
I am still me, I commend on things that I feel that is not right. I give out my opinions, if you think I am wrong, I will just keep quiet. I comment for your good, if I don't even see you as someone important, I don't even bother. People who know me know, I am too lazy to socialize with people now, so if it is not unavoidable, I would just stop keeping in touch with you.
Through these years, I have realized that boundaries are important to keep people work together. Now I have less conflicts with friends and family because we all have boundaries. I don't stay with my family now, I only contact with my parents now, me and my unimates don't always go out, me and my friends have own life but we still meet up often, me and my housemates sometimes eat together sometimes buy snacks for each other but we are not very close. The only person I am fused with is my boyfriend, and I have no problem for that.
It is just that when people get closer, the fiction get larger. Everyone is different, even twins growing up in the same environment can be different, so it is so normal for conflicts to happen.
I have been dodging conflicts for a few years, if I know there will be drama with this person, I just avoid seeing them, or just ignore. Now, staying in this house I have the responsibilities to take care of many people, not that kind of taking care, but be careful when I do everything. I can't just be me. I have to be the me people expecting me to, or else there will be conflicts.
I just don't like this feeling, can't I just have my freedom?
Somehow I feel ashamed of myself that I am enjoying all these because I still want to earn my own luxury with my own hands, but not like this.
When I was in Damansara, I rented the whole unit and I am the boss there. The rest of my housemates are my tenants, I have the right to speak out. However, in here, I feel trapped. It is not like I can't be boss here, I still can if I want to. It is just that I am bounded to my boyfriend's family.
I want to marry him, at least for now, future is still too far to be certain now. So, at least for now, I want to stay with him forever. But since young I am an only child to my mom, I have used to control my freedom and decision. Staying in a big family only stay in my memory until I was maybe 10. Now I am too independent to be always fuse with big family. I like them, I like his family, just that I still don't think I am ready to live with them being one of my cores.
I don't stay with them in KL, it is just that I feel trapped even I just stay in a house under his name. And there are some dramas going on, where I am too lazy to bother with.
I am still me, I commend on things that I feel that is not right. I give out my opinions, if you think I am wrong, I will just keep quiet. I comment for your good, if I don't even see you as someone important, I don't even bother. People who know me know, I am too lazy to socialize with people now, so if it is not unavoidable, I would just stop keeping in touch with you.
Through these years, I have realized that boundaries are important to keep people work together. Now I have less conflicts with friends and family because we all have boundaries. I don't stay with my family now, I only contact with my parents now, me and my unimates don't always go out, me and my friends have own life but we still meet up often, me and my housemates sometimes eat together sometimes buy snacks for each other but we are not very close. The only person I am fused with is my boyfriend, and I have no problem for that.
It is just that when people get closer, the fiction get larger. Everyone is different, even twins growing up in the same environment can be different, so it is so normal for conflicts to happen.
I have been dodging conflicts for a few years, if I know there will be drama with this person, I just avoid seeing them, or just ignore. Now, staying in this house I have the responsibilities to take care of many people, not that kind of taking care, but be careful when I do everything. I can't just be me. I have to be the me people expecting me to, or else there will be conflicts.
I just don't like this feeling, can't I just have my freedom?
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