Moving out and in

I have moved in to a completely new place. Here I have one of the most expensive night view a student could have, I have one of the most expensive rental a student should pay, I got all these for free. Because this is my boyfriend's house, but I don't feel happy.

Somehow I feel ashamed of myself that I am enjoying all these because I still want to earn my own luxury with my own hands, but not like this.

When I was in Damansara, I rented the whole unit and I am the boss there. The rest of my housemates are my tenants, I have the right to speak out. However, in here, I feel trapped. It is not like I can't be boss here, I still can if I want to. It is just that I am bounded to my boyfriend's family.

I want to marry him, at least for now, future is still too far to be certain now. So, at least for now, I want to stay with him forever. But since young I am an only child to my mom, I have used to control my freedom and decision. Staying in a big family only stay in my memory until I was maybe 10. Now I am too independent to be always fuse with big family. I like them, I like his family, just that I still don't think I am ready to live with them being one of my cores.

I don't stay with them in KL, it is just that I feel trapped even I just stay in a house under his name. And there are some dramas going on, where I am too lazy to bother with.

I am still me, I commend on things that I feel that is not right. I give out my opinions, if you think I am wrong, I will just keep quiet. I comment for your good, if I don't even see you as someone important, I don't even bother. People who know me know, I am too lazy to socialize with people now, so if it is not unavoidable, I would just stop keeping in touch with you.

Through these years, I have realized that boundaries are important to keep people work together. Now I have less conflicts with friends and family because we all have boundaries. I don't stay with my family now, I only contact with my parents now, me and my unimates don't always go out, me and my friends have own life but we still meet up often, me and my housemates sometimes eat together sometimes buy snacks for each other but we are not very close. The only person I am fused with is my boyfriend, and I have no problem for that.

It is just that when people get closer, the fiction get larger. Everyone is different, even twins growing up in the same environment can be different, so it is so normal for conflicts to happen.

I have been dodging conflicts for a few years, if I know there will be drama with this person, I just avoid seeing them, or just ignore. Now, staying in this house I have the responsibilities to take care of many people, not that kind of taking care, but be careful when I do everything. I can't just be me. I have to be the me people expecting me to, or else there will be conflicts.

I just don't like this feeling, can't I just have my freedom?