I feel like shit now

I am having a bad day.

My interview got postponed again and again from July until now. I started submitting my research proposal from March and wanting to get in the June intake but now I am informed I could only join the October intake. It is three weeks until the commencement and I have not received any email about the scholarship interview yet.

Then I start to doubt myself if I am the reason for failing to get the interview. Or is it because they have poor management and could not afford to pay out the scholarship at once?

Yet I can't blame anyone. I called the agent who is responsible for my application, he just had his surgery for a kidney stone and unable to help me. I asked his colleague and she just replied me that they are trying to get me an evaluator and could not confirm with me now.

Then I can only blame myself for being slow in discussing the proposal with my supervisor, and being slow to start my application, and being slow to submit my documents for the interview.

Or I am simply not good enough to get this place...

Oh, I haven't been writing any assignment from customers for like.. a week? Tired from the thesis of the previous customer, I rested for one week and I feel like crap in this one week. I know I have a few necessary expenses that I need to work hard now to cover, but I simply don't take any job because I am stressed over my interview thing. Isn't it stupid that I am aware I couldn't do anything but to wait, but I wasted my time instead of earning money?

It is normal to make changes on assignment, even when you have submitted everything and asked everything beforehand just so you don't have to modify after you done writing. Normally I would just accept the "new" requirement and make changes when no additional payment will be given for the changes. As I am having a terrible day I just told my boss that it is clearly the customer's fault as I have questioned the part earlier. And I told me I am not gonna change.

And I win, he said he will change it himself.

But why did I say so? I know my salary depends on him. If he doesn't give me any works I would not have income.

Realizing that I have shot myself in the foot, I feel like a shit now...

What should I do huh?

This is pretty good, I wrote it two years ago without publishing it and I think I should X)

“那你有女朋友吗？”

记者的闪光灯不断地照，蓦然紧绷着笑容，露出一排牙齿，微微转头看向身边的人。

什么想法都没有，有的只是这就是她要击败的对手。

男孩的嘴角好似往上扬了几分，他擦擦鼻子，一副尴尬的样子：“没有，都没有人要我。”

台下的欢呼声响起。

顿了顿，男孩继续说：“我不会讨好女生，恐怕连薛小姐都看不起我。”

台下的欢呼声又再次响起。

你没有女朋友咁我屁事啊，为什么要烧到我这里？蓦然差点就没有给他一个白眼。转头看向台下的记者观众，似乎全部人都期待着她回应些什么。

“咦，我们不是才第一次见面吗？难道你对我一见钟情了？”

男孩不得不对她有些改观，她看起来就是一副娇柔天真的样子，明明故意说这话好让她难下台，不管她是说她没有考虑要谈恋爱，还是她说没有看不起我，都让观众对她形成一个刻板无趣的印象，而且还能衬托出男孩的独特。但这女孩却相反地如此自信地反问他是否对他一见钟情了。

“哈哈哈，好像被看穿了。没关系，我们有的是时间。”

男孩转头看着蓦然，那双桃花眼和似笑非笑的唇，仿佛让时间都晕眩。蓦然忍不住想问，就是一见钟情的是自己还是他啊。

“你好，我叫 莊格君，请多多指教。”

随后绅士般地伸出手。

蓦然愣了愣，这就是披着羊皮的狼啊，谦谦君子是假的，他是你的对手啊，清醒点。

脑子经过短暂的当机，终于恢复运作。

“好。”

蓦然的手握上他的，闪光灯就这时被按下。

It has been so long

其实有很多很多次都想要把心里的想法记录下来，可是事情很多就渐渐忘了。

没有了父母的管辖，我用电脑的自由多了很多，娱乐与发泄这些事情必须要再通过思考、写作来宣泄。

因为不需要，太麻烦了。

我只需要玩一玩手游，看一看电影，或是吃一吃美食。

是啊，我多久没有来这里写写自己心里的想法了。

今天念了一篇文，要说很好的文吗，我其实不全然赞同，但是有些观点是同意的。

文里说，全球化让贫富悬殊，世界上最富有的人群只有20%，而80%的人过着平庸的生活。是什么让着80%不追求成为那20%呢？就是这些“少付出，高收入”的娱乐。人们对生活的不满，不再是通过努力还是改变而让自己渐入佳境，反而是用发泄式的娱乐来解决。所以我们的高等思考能力退化了，我们将就现在的生活，也满足于现况。

我不赞同的是文里所说那80%的人都没有努力去追求成为20%的人，因为你永远不知道别人努力的过程。但是娱乐占了大部分的人的想法，是真的。

放眼望去，如果你在LRT等着，多少人是在滑手机玩手游？多少人在读书看新闻思考？

不要说什么啊FB很多资讯，有多少是真的多少是假的，可靠吗？

我不是装什么清高才在这里说这些。因为我正正就是不爱思考的人，玩手游的人，使用少付出的娱乐的人。

这几年，我做了什么可以让我自豪的事。完成Master？不。去打工？不。我想不到。我不知道。我喜欢这样的自己吗？

每天做着没有长久意义的事情，我每天都在得过且过。

所以觉得沮丧。

我其实是知道的，我多不喜欢这样的自己。

我17岁的时候一定不是希望看到这样25岁的自己。

好像有好多事情我觉得25岁可以做的。我自己去旅行，想写一本小说，想认识多一点人，想走出自己的comfort zone，想去做义工……

我想，但是不做。因为我把自己丢进了自己也不喜欢但是舒适的圈子。

我好像很久，没有让自己觉得骄傲了……