我的精神支柱

亲爱的少女时代，真正成为你们的粉丝只有一年，真的，就是这个发生最多事情的一年里。

刚刚来到KL的时候，什么都没有，没有车没有朋友，只能在家上网。那个时候开始注意Kpop，后来不知道怎么了，开始注意少时。

我觉得，你们很坚强，什么组合都没有给我这种感觉，因为七年了，你们出道七年却没有一个成员离开，还是一样九个。

女生嘛，肯定的，会嫉妒会抱怨会累，可是你们都熬过来了。都七年了。你们还是GG。

在那些很难过的时候，我会听你们的歌，一遍一遍告诉自己，看看这些和你几乎同年的人，她们都还没有放弃，她们的日子比你更加难过，那就不要放弃。

比起欣赏她们的才华，她们的表演，她们的外表。我更加喜欢她们的故事，背后的种种，还有很多很多的友情。她们，就真的像一家人。

肯定还有我不知道的故事，可是，都没有人退出。

但是这次例外了。

Jessica，其中一个主唱，退出了。其实，我没有抱怨没有什么特别想说的话，毕竟七年了，这种日子不好过。我其实更希望她们有她们自己的生活，我希望她们能够快乐，无论是以少时之名，还是以自己的身份。都应该快乐。

可是我敢说的是，这么多的成员中，当然不只是她一个人想离开，当然还是有其他人感到很气愤很不公很想逃跑。可是大家都没有。就是因为这份情谊，而没有离开。我无法指责她的离开，可是我却不禁不舍，这样的情谊，断了，没了。

我突然觉得这样的精神支柱没了，好像被催坏了。

少女时代再也不是我爱的少女时代。

好像在我最糟糕的时间点，连续发生更加糟糕的事情。

好朋友

有一种朋友，好像比朋友来得多一点，却比爱人少一点，我们管它叫蓝颜知己。

六年的朋友，两年的情侣，一辈子的陌生人。

如果，那个时候我再多考虑，或许后来的事情都不会发生。我真的想，什么都没有发生，那么我们可以做一辈子的朋友，或是一辈子的蓝颜知己。

我和你，没有激情没有澎湃，有的是漫漫的陪伴和关怀。我们就是这样开始的吧。

我却不懂，没有自制力的我究竟是做对了吗？我们快乐过，可是我却没有想过终剧居然是陌生人。我们在一起前说好的，如果我们分手了，要做朋友，不要恨对方，因为爱过。

已经，一个月。

这一个月没有你的生活，原来，我还能走下去。原来，我还在呼吸。原来，我还会吃饭睡觉。我还可以考试读书温习。我还可以和朋友出去说说话，哭一哭。我还可以为了让父母不担心假装我很好。我还能坚强。

我，那个还没有经历这一切风浪的我，好像回来了。

因为你之前认识的曾梦琦回来了，我恨不起你了。你知道的，无论发生什么事，到头来我还是急着原谅，还有抱怨自己。是的，我能放下对你的恨了。你呢？过得好吗，我的朋友？

某些方面吧，我还是变了。我了解到，不是有感觉就一定要做情侣，不是喜欢就需要披荆斩棘而在一起，不是说爱了所有承诺就需要兑现。人不能总是无私，总是要留一些爱给自己，自私一点。

没有人会记得你的伟大，所以要残忍一点。

如果再来一次，我们不要做情人，爱情太不可靠。

全家福

全家福，一张一张的，多好，真好。

渴望着一个家的我，渴望着一个完整的家的父母，今天，心情应该很沉重。

有一些事情，多努力都好，多在乎都好，如果只是一厢情愿，又有什么办法。放手吧，别再想下去了亲爱的。因为，你看，你流了好多眼泪可是没有人看见啊，你还是一个人的呀。不是你自己说的吗，有父母就好了，有一群像家人的朋友就够了，别再去想了。

可是好难过。

七个哥哥姐姐，他们聚在了一起，今天，是姐姐的婚礼。

可是我不在相片里，我不在。

我看见了很多年不见的你们，我看到了很多年前你们的笑容，没有我，没有我妈妈，没有爸爸，你们是如此快乐。

从小觉得自己多余，那么突兀。从小被你们讨厌可是不知道原因。后来知道了，也只是理所当然地接受。从出生起就好像低你们一级。渴望被别人接纳吧，我想我真的很努力。想要有你们的注意，你们的关心，那个时候我很调皮，就是很想和你们混在一起。

直到中五我还天真的以为，我们会像拍戏一样，大家会和好，会坐在一起吃饭，会说话会笑，我真的以为……可是后来……后来我自己也没有信心。

是谁说呢，情人是从陌生人再变回陌生人，家人居然也会这样。

我和你们，就好像陌生人一样，不是吧，路过的人好歹也会说，恭喜你结婚啊，我却没有那个勇气。你的号码明明存在了我的手机里，可是我不确定，我的号码又在不在你的手机里。

那是属于你们的全家福。

没有我的位置。

就这样吧

“当你选择相信一个人之后，可是真相却不是你所想象的那个情况的时候，你不能怪谁。真的，我学习到了，这是自己的问题，不是他们的问题。

可是在不断的道歉及弥补之后，你会发现，你的心已经回不到最可靠的时候。你还是可以再次相信那个人，可是已经不是那么多了。你不能再去负荷同样的失去，一个人总不会让自己在同一个地方跌倒两次。

在这种时候，不要将自己埋在框框里，走出来。请走出来。否则你会很辛苦。
如果不断相信是我的性格，那么在相信那么多人之后总会有人让我失望，那么我总是会受伤，那么这就是我的命运。

如果跌到了我还是学不会教训，那么这就是我的问题。

如果我就是要埋在自己的框框里辛苦自己，那么这就是我的下场。

是我自己走不出来，是我抓太紧，这从来就不是你们的问题。

你们。”


早在两年前我写下了这一段。现在发现其实我真的没变。我没有学聪明，没有变的更加精打细算，我还是那个我，想相信的话就会相信的我。我没有逃避，直到最后，我还是觉得这些都不是他的问题，都是我的，因为我没有学会保护自己。

可是，难道不能吗？

难道选择不断去相信也有问题？我只是喜欢这样的自己，不需要伪装什么。我喜欢待在我喜欢的人身边，我喜欢去相信这个世界不是那么冷血无情，我喜欢不要太现实。连朋友家人爱人都要防备那么是不是太累了？

我的生活，是因为身边的人维持下来。而我的存在，也支持着别人的生活。我们的生命本来就息息相关，本来，我们就分不开。那为什么要让自己寂寞？为什么拒绝相信？

究竟是我太天真？还是你们太残忍？

I don't wanna be your hero

And I dream of you just now, I am not sure what got us start talking and you invited me to your place for some cookies or hot drinks. It was raining. When you were preparing the snacks I was browsing around your house, checking all the little decor. We were talking, laughing like good friends. And your mom broke in, shouting at me asking me to get out. I wore my angers and shouted back with teary eyes. You tried to hold her so she won't step forward to hurt me, but she was out of control. I stared at her, looking straight into her eyes. The only sentence I remembered is "You know what? After this guy (then point at you), I won't be able to trust any other guy." as my tears falling down I continued, "You and your son will definitely be regret one day, for treating me like this."

And I woke up, in a very bad mood.

Yes, you guys will be regret of this, but I am not saying I will plan on revenge or anything. It just that after years when you guys look back, you guys should know this is wrong to get rid of a girl in that way. It's actually alright to let me go, you know? I have told you that if you are struggling between me and your parents, then just choose your parents. You only have one parents, but you still can have other girl as your wife. I have told you, if you are leaving me because of this I wouldn't blame you.

And I have found this song through a kdrama named "It's Okay, That's Love" this is so far my favorite kdrama by this year. And this OST touches my heart. This is special as we seldom have English song in kdrama.

I thought of you when I listen to it. It even fits our situations. You see, imagine you are the guy who is singing this song, who says you want me to let you go as you need to chase your dream. I can't help but feel guilty.

Back then I was too controlling. Guess it is the results of your betrayal and I have lose the sense of security in this relationship. From that time on, I don't know how to love. I was too sensitive and anxious, I can say I don't develop any trust on you no matter how hard I have tried. All the plans are ruined, you just can't make it but still I believe you should do it in my way.

You are just a kid, not a hero that I want.

And now, you are free to fight for yourself, maybe you are still under your parents' control, but at least not me. I wish, you would be free from their wish, hope or any expectation. I know they are too much. You just don't live as your own self but it is more to a puppet. This is what I see from my point of view. No offense please.

Perhaps I couldn't forgive your parents, I don't think I will ever put down. However, I wish you the best in persuading your dream.

To the bride

It has been so long from I last saw you, bet I was still studying in my secondary school, I am not sure if it is Form 3 or Form 4? It was just an ordinary day, but you have disappeared from my life. That's the road you choose, I have no right to blame you, you were already an adult back then.

We shared the same horoscope, I remembered you didn't have many friends to share your problems, I was the one who listen to you and asked you whether you are okay or not. You cried countless times in front of me. You just didn't know what to do I guess.

I asked you to be strong and leave the bastard, but you are just soft heart like I do and you get back to him again and again. Guess this is the reason you leave our house to forget all the pain here.

But you forget about us too, both me and my parents.

I have actually used to it. How many of you guys actually inform me when you guys leave this house. There were 10 people lived in this house when we moved in when I was just 2. But now there are only 3 people.

I only get to see you through fb, I can't attend your wedding. Dad is not joining too. Are you happy? A wedding without the blessing from family? Or actually you don't take us as a part of your family..? I wonder.

I can't recognize you. I zoom in the photo and stare at it for seconds but I still cannot recognize you. Perhaps we haven't meet up for too long.

To the bride, I hope you are happy, I hope you can welcome your baby safely, I hope your husband loves you, I hope you can still remember you have this little sister who still cares about you.

宣泄

21天了，我好像宣泄得不够。

我还没有喝醉还没有变坏还没有不读书不去考试，我还没有宣泄出来，我累了。

当了好好学生那么久，好的成绩、好的Cert、好的印象。我是那么乖，我是那么听话，我是别人眼中的乖乖女。可是我累了。我不想当了行不行？

我不想上课，不想一个人，不想伪装说我还可以我能努力，我不想回家，不想听话。我想使坏。

我想，去玩。

玩吧，感情这种东西，那么认真干嘛呢，我们又不是要结婚的年龄，大家年轻有什么不可以？我的心只是空了，可是它只能装下空气呢，谁能来闯开这扇门，告诉我，“喂，别难过了我还在这呢”

我有很多朋友，我想只有他们能稍微减轻我的痛苦，可是不是全部。

我的确依赖他们了，太依赖，连我自己都觉得自己烦。我想，把自己所在房里，不要出去，不要去看不要去听，好好颓废自己。好想好想。我不想去烦身边的朋友，我自己都觉得自己在利用他们，他们的陪伴、他们的笑声，而我不知道，他们究竟有没有因为我感到很累。就算我问他们，没有人会当面告诉我他们觉得我烦吧。

是一群好的朋友，我不能这样下去，我不想失去他们。

可是我怎么办呢，我空了的心怎么办，没有了感情的心怎么办，想叛逆的我怎么办，想逃离现实的我，怎么办……

我想变坏，然后等一个人要告诉我，不要再坏了，你不值得。

总觉得这样结束了这段感情，我有点对不起自己。

19 days

I have made a promise to myself that I want to get rid of all these after 21 days. What I mean is to stop stalking and stop crying in front of friends. It is now 19th, today is supposed to be 28th monthsary, but no more, nothing is left.

I should be thankful for friends who stay besides me, who trust me, who know my pain. Here, I have to apologize if I was sensitive in the past 19 days, I am sorry if I have done something that hurt feelings. I just don't really think before I say something. Sorry, I am sincere.

19 days, I feel like this has been a year long, long enough to kill me. I don't even dare to fall asleep. When you and your mom appear in my dream, I woke up and found myself crying. 2 years and 4 months is not just a dream.

As what I have said in past, I don't have to hide my feelings. I am going to say this, yes, I miss you, everyday every moment every single minute. But I just can't find you, because you won't reply. I have no one to ask if you are doing well, because your friends wouldn't reply me as well.

I feel the pain when I know you are doing well, but at the same time I feel relief, since you are doing well, maybe it is not that painful for you. That's something I should be happy with, at least this decision is not a wrong decision. Someone have to be happy isn't it?

I told my mom I said I regret starting this relationship, my mom told me there's nothing to be regret of, because you choose it, you should be thankful you have this chance to feel the pain so you won't do the same mistake again. Maybe yes, maybe no. But if I have to admit I am not regret, then I will be suffer. Because, if I don't make myself hate you, I don't know how should I survive through this. I could only tell myself you are just an asshole who cheated me again and again. So I won't think that I have let you go. This sounds like an excuse, but this is true.

After all, thanks for the effort, thanks for the time you have spent, thanks for saving me from despair, thanks for telling me everyone is deserved to be love, thanks for the vanilla ice cream and the little Patrick, thanks for fighting for me, thanks for holding my hand when I am falling, thanks for loving me for who I am, thanks for accepting all the bad sides of me, thanks for everything.

But, Lister, can I not to see your post or anything? I am suffering, so much. I don't know if you really feel nothing so there's not even one post is dedicating to me, but I am suffering.

They said, independent girl doesn't trust easily, but once they rely on one person, then they will really stick to that person. Yes, this is me. 2 years and 4 months, I have be putting my whole self onto you. I lived my life depend on you. That's why I feel that I can't live on now.

Psychologist said if you want to use to a habit, you need at least 21 days. So I tell myself I should have feel better after 21 days. But, I am not feeling any better. As I keep on discovering new lies, as I keep on stalking you and find that you seems alright, as you and your friends seems to misunderstand me, as everything in my room keep remind me of you, I don't feel any better even if the time pass.

I wish you were here to embrace me tell me, sorry you lied on me. Tell me, it's okay we can be friends. Tell me, you wish me the best so I should move on. Tell me, it's alright to be alone because I am Tsen Mung Khie. Tell me, thank you for the time I spent on you. But you are not saying a thing, not a text, not a call, not a post. Nothing.

I am just tired.

If you are not

If you are not cheating on me, if it is just parent problems, no matter how hard is it, I would find thousands reasons to get back to you. Even though small part of the rational me say we have no future, but the large part of emotional me say we should try harder.

I have the thought of making you my last guy, do you know that?

It just turn out you are a liar, it just turn out you are still as flirty as the time I just known you, and that is what I cannot stand.

It has been so many times, big lies, small lies, good lies, bad lies... They didn't start 9 months ago, you first cheated on me at last day of October 2012, at which we had only been together half year.

I am that ego, and this egoistic girl is willing to lower down my partner's standard of not lying for you. I became sensitive and insecure, and I am not longer the Tsen Mung Khie in high school.

Breaking up with you is painful but in the same time I feel relief. We, finally, break up. Both of us finally free from torturing each other, I finally don't have to think of your parents, you finally can hang out with friends without hiding it. I finally don't have to worry for your empty promises, you finally don't have to get scolded by parents for dating me. We are finally free, and empty.

Yes, I should thank you for cheating, ignoring, and acting like you don't give a shit. If you insist to find me I would fall back into you again and all the tortures come again. You do until every very extend even deleted all the photos all the memories we had. That is good, because I always keep it. I always holding on memories but since you let them go so easily then I think I can do it. And I did.

It is painful.

When the one you believe he won't walk away from your life finally make his move, this is so painful. I don't hide my feelings I don't have to act like I am not sad, even though you are an asshole of cheating me but I guess you did put in a lot of effort to maintain this relationship. Yet I won't wish you the best, I just can't. Not yet.

Because I am still so angry of finding all the truths and realizing you are actually doing fine, at least better than me.

My phone become so silent. When I am having quiz no one come to say jia you to me. When I am going to sleep no one say sayang to me. When I am having lunch no one say eat full full yea. Or when I am not in a good mood no one say you still have me.

I am not cold-blooded, I am just a human. I seriously don't have to hide my feelings. They say I should not show any emotions in fb or in blog, I should just move on. Yea, I should, but it is not like these 2 years I was in a dream, even if it is, this dream is a bit too long.

You are not like that when we first dated, you are not like that when you just reached Brisbane, you were not like what you are now.

Same goes to me. I was not like what I am now.

If you are not cheating, I might wait for you maybe for years, I don't know. Now I have nothing to wait, because you cheated on me, too many times.

Am I that good to be lied?

So, now I know you have been lying for so long, so long even last year the concert of Muse is a lie too. You went with her right? You said she is just a friend, she said she won't fall for you. But now you guys went out every night, texting calling, even don't reply me and ignore me together.

Does she even know how hard I have tried to move on? I am doing so well today but then why, you know I follow your insta, why you want to post a photo of him?

It has been so long I ask him to wear a shirt, not a T-shirt or a polo-T but a nice shirt. He wore it in that picture, purple in color, you guys went out for dinner and desert and played poker right?

My stalker level has upgraded until I don't think any of others can pro than me. But I quit it today. I have decided not to stalk you guys but now, you see. You purposely showing off in fb, in insta, posting a photo of birthday gift from her.

You feel loved? Is it? Then that's it. They are all lies. Such an asshole.

What? So long-distance will surely make people fall out of love? Hey I didn't, but you do! Don't lie don't cheat because now I am not important to you. Lister you are such a liar.

This is so unfair.

Nothing is left

No, nothing is left, I know nothing and I can do nothing. I have tried my best and that's it, this is all I can give and it is your limit too. You had your birthday celebration in club last night, you only go home at 4. I know everything Lister, you had fun and I am sad, I can't even know what to do, everything is a mess.

I tried to find you clarify things, you don't even reply. Do you need me to remind you? You forget to change your cover photo, your profile picture in viber, in skype, and you forget to unpair in Between and Couple. Lister, do all these, do all these so I will leave you even faster.

Now your friends don't even update me with your situation, I cannot get any information from you, but why should I do all these since we won't be together again, you have already moved on before me. Nothing can be returned.

I am gonna pass this process and be alright. I will be alright.

No again you are wrong

You think that you should get pissed off when I used your account to change your profile picture to your single photo and your relationship status to single is offending you? No Lister, who is more offending? How many times I got angry because you cheat on me? And you are still doing the same and claiming you love me, you will chase me back and things like that. You love me by endlessly cheating me? Are you serious?

You think that you are supposed to get be angry when I login your account to ask your friend? Lister, if I wait you wake up and ask you, what would be happened? More excuses? More lies? More stories? More coincidence? Lister I have had enough of them, give me a reason why should I let you explain everything? When your explanation will just be another lie?

You think you have tried your best for me. No Lister you didn't. You just choose to tell me things you want me to know. If you can't keep your lie forever please don't tell it, I have told you many times if I found out myself I would be angry. I have gave you so many chances so you will stop cheating, but you won't stop it. You just keep cheating and still thinking it is for my good sake.

You think you suffered the most from this relationship but still you are holding on? No Lister, if I am the one who insult your parents, ignored you, betrayed you, cheated on you, you think you still can stand until now? I believe we both suffer equal amount of hurting, there is no who suffer more.

You think I challenged your privacy? Hey Lister, I am doing it on purpose to piss you off. Why? I want you to leave me, to live your life, to be a filial son, a good student and just be yourself Lister. We both suffered too much until I don't live as Tsen Mung Khie now, I just feel she died, now she is struggling to be revive again and I don't see any signs of you going through this process. You changed all your profile picture in one day, to get rid of me, posting unrelated posts, wishing others happy birthday, but what about me Lister? You just live your life well, and yet, I have problems eating even sleeping here like an idiot.

You think you should lie so I won't leave you? Truths are just truths, it won't change. You out with a girl that I will get jealous is a truth, you purposely deleted her message is a truth, you hide all the coincidences from me is a truth, all these won't change. You are hiding them from me so I won't get jealous and leave you, no Lister, you are just trying to save troubles from argument.

You think you promise your mom you should break me off before your birthday is a good choice? Yes it will be a good choice if you tell me beforehand so I have preparation. I just wonder why if this is true you still not spending more time on me but yet you lied me and you went out. You said you have hurt your lower back and can't move so didn't find me. But the next day you woke up early for barista course without telling me you are going. But you lied me instead. What are you going to do if this is your last time with me before birthday? Trying to make me have a very bad last image of you cheating me is it?

You put me down too easily when I really summoned up a lot of courage blocking you, you just put me down not even asking me why. You will say I've blocked you everywhere how are you supposed to find me, but sorry Lister, it is not everywhere, you still have a lot of ways to find me if you want but you just don't. You just got pissed off, you just think I am the bad one, you just think you are the only victim. You said you love me but you just let me go when I let you go, no hold back, no anything. I am pretty sure you are tired of this relationship, but you said... until I got married you would still wait for me. But you didn't.

Again, you are wrong, you think all the way you don't express yourself is a fucking good idea so I won't feel stress? But you just simply turn away and walk away from my life.

I still miss you, I can admit it and say so, but do you give a fuck on it?