Weight

What would people think if you put on weight. 1) you MUST be eating a lot. 2) you MUST be too lazy to exercise. 3) you are getting OBESE.

To be honest, some people just gain weight when they eat sightly more or when they are not that active as compared to before. Some people will never gain weight no matter what they eat, what they are experiencing, what lifestyle they are having. Most wouldn't think that either they eat a lot nor they are too lazy to exercise. And they are always healthy because they are slim, even though whatsoever nutrient they are consuming doesn't really absorb into their body, but they are still considered "healthy".

Come on, who wouldn't want to be slim all the time? Who wouldn't want to have S line body? Just who wouldn't want it?

But it is really hard for me to cut down all the food that I like to maintain a very slim figure. You might say exercise, but it is not I am not trying, but I am starting. It is just I am back to my hometown and I stop exercising for few weeks. Some people just don't want to avoid all the good food to be excluded from friend's gathering, and eat clean really makes life boring, you know?

I have been told that my health is at risk and I need to cut down my weight, because I have gained almost 10kg in the past 8-10 months. It might be the hormone imbalance causing me to gain weight, or the weight gain causes my hormone imbalance. Not to mention my insomnia problem that have been haunting me since forever and all the stress.

Some body maintained their normal food intake and still gain weight. That is me. How unlucky isn't it?

And this really makes my mom worries, my bf worries, my close friends etc. And everyone wants me to do what they wants. Eating clean, exercise everyday, telling everyone about my situation to find me a solution, no carbs, no bread, no cake, no ice cream, no butter, no nothing. Even doctor ask me not to eat fruits.

I am very stressful of this. I never know I would be insomnia thinking how to cut down my weight, what plan should I use, how many cheat days I should set, what recipe is suitable. I am really very stressful of this. Very. I hope you understand that I am so sensitive to it that anything people say about my health I will get mad. I know exactly how to live a very healthy life. But, I can't sleep early. But I have assignments. But I am stressed. But I have no time to cook. But I am not full with no carbs. But I can't.

I am trying, can't you guys see? So please, can you just stop judging my plan? Can you just stop on talking non-stop about weight? Can you just give me at least three months and see how it turns out? Just be patient, give me some space to breath?

你看，我不是你想象中的那样

记得小时候，三年级被妈妈逼着去学校露营。晚上回到宿舍，大家聚在一起说话，我看着天花板突然就想家了，就躲在妈妈做的睡袋里哭。然后被学姐发现，她们问我怎么哭了，我只是说我的手电筒不见了，怕回去被妈妈骂。那个时候很多家长都会来看孩子，帮孩子拿换洗的衣服。可是妈妈说她不会来看。结果露营第二天，我在洗澡时间看到了爸爸妈妈，那个时候我很兴奋地介绍我的学校。其实你看，我的勇气不是天生的。

记得五年级的时候，因为没有参加童子军了，没办法参加野外的一个露营，所以想回到童子军里，只是为了参加。结果妈妈不要，她说我本来就没有心在童子军，为什么要参加，之后一定又会退出。我哭了，我说我就是要这样不行吗？妈妈说我长大了，应该要会想了。我说我还是个孩子，不能任性吗？妈妈说做她的孩子，要早点长大。我抱着妈妈哭了，那次之后我下定决心要长大。其实你看，我不是天生成熟的。

记得我和姐姐们相处的时候，我总是要争。我一定要拿第一，让父母看得起我。因为实在太多兄弟姐妹，我想被疼？我也不知道，我只知道妈妈说，我一定要成功、要赚钱养爸爸妈妈。可是其实，我不想努力的，我也会懒惰的，我也考过不及格，我也被撕过考卷。所以你看，我的成绩不是天生就好的。

记得在中二的时候，她们在我的部落格毁谤我、骂我、咒我，我那个时候在知道，交不到好的朋友的是怎样、自己的性格又该怎样去改。说什么会得罪人，说什么不会。什么是自己无法忍受、什么是自己放得开的。所以你看，我现在和朋友没有摩擦不是天生的。

记得三年前的时候我谈了一场将我自己都赔进去的恋爱。我知道什么是生不如死的滋味，我知道不是什么都垂手可得的，我知道原来不是我去放下自尊、去屈求，别人就会配合我。我知道原来不能去纵容别的女人靠近我的男人，我知道原来我的男人也能对我撒谎还要别人替他圆谎。你看，我的防备心不是天生的。

我不坚强，不勇敢，不成熟，也不会交际，更加不会防备别人。这样的我，还是我吗？你，明白吗？坚强不是我要的，勇敢也不是，成熟也不是。如果我的防备心伤害了你，对不起，不是我要的。